To be so upset to not be chosen as a bridesmaid?

[aenre2or]

Would really appreciate advice as my family don't get why I'm upset and 99% of my friends are mutual friends with this person.
I am 33 my closest female friend since we were 5 is getting married next year. My invite arrived today which my mum said meant she definitely wouldn't ask me to be a bridesmaid, does everyone agree? I find it's really affecting my self esteem, that I can maintain a friendship for over 28 years but she doesn't consider me among her top 4-6 friends. She's always said that I give the best advice. Yet clearly she doesn't consider me as fun, likeable, interesting and whatever else as them. My mother said she couldn't understand why I would even think I might be a bridesmaid as she has such a wide circle of friends. This actually hurts possibly more than anything that my own mother thinks so little of me, I'm really trying to see how else she could mean this but its hard to see an alternative. Friend's always said she doesn't have a best friend which I respect and understand and I've never asked to be her best friend. She has called two other women sisters to her, I don't know how she talks about me to other people but I thought we had the same level of relationship as this. She does keep in good contact and has suggested us meeting up alone several times so I know she doesn't hate my company. I don't think i'm co-dependant or a nightmare. I'm generally described as kind and thoughtful by friends. I see her parents regularly and our parents are friendly. I doubt my mum would ask her mum if she's finished choosing bridesmaids because my mum hates conflict. I hate conflict too. I probably won't say anything to her because it would be too awkward and (as above) most of my friends are hers too. It's not about the day to me at all it's what not being chosen as a bridesmaid represents about our friendship and what she thinks of me compared to these other women (I know all of them or who I think they would be anyway). Whenever I've been forgotten about or excluded in the past I've cut that person out because I knew they weren't at all bothered. That isn't an option here and I don't want to end our friendship but I don't know how to deal with my hurt or the effect its having on my self esteem. I am literally not going on the group camping trip because I can't bear spending time with her. Its making me feel like I would feel really alone among all my other friends wondering what they think of me if the person I'm closest to holds me in so little regard. I don't know how to assess my personality/ traits, if its possible to change and if I should/need to. Sorry if I sound irrational I know I've probably based too much of my self esteem on my friendships, any advice much appreciated.

OP they really could be lots of reasons .. maybe she have just young children as bridesmaids, or like a girl
I knew she had a very close group
Of friends but also
Had 3 sisters 2 nieces ect and told her friends that she was just going to have family as bridesmaids .. they all
Understood .. I'm sure she values your friendship .. I've been a bridesmaids 3 times twice of those chief Im only still
In touch with one of the brides .. so don't let it effect your friendship and enjoy the wedding

In some cases yes. I have another destination wedding - we aren't close. I am not expecting to be asked to be part of the wedding but I am very honoured to attend.
VS a lifelong friend you grew up with, someone you are super close to. It's as though they are chasing other people over you. You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel hurt.
It's normal surely? But you live and move on. It's not the end of the world.

I am literally not going on the group camping trip because I can't bear spending time with her.

You're making her special day about you. To the point of avoiding her. I think it's unlikely you don't carry any of that energy and behaviour into real life interactions. People leak their emotions.

I have been a bridesmaid three times and got married twice. NONE of the people were replicated. So the people I was BM for weren't BM for me and the people who were BM for me didn't ask me. All still friends, all still fine. One woman I was BM for did a reading, but that's it.

It's not actually important. My friend has just been asked and she has to wear a floor-length peach clingy dress. She's 20 stone and really short. She dreading it. She'd much rather wear something that suits and have a good time.

As@coupdetonnerre says, you live and move on. Yes, you’re hurt, but it doesn’t mean that you’re not still friends.

I have a few close friends and I’ve realized that the best way to maintain adult friendships is to not expect too much of people. Yes, your closest friends are there for you when you need a good moan and vice versa, but we all have other things going on in our lives. Your friend may be under pressure from her/his family about the wedding arrangements, for example. Friendships are mainly about enjoying each other’s company, don’t stress about this, just enjoy being at her wedding. 💐

It's not actually important. My friend has just been asked and she has to wear a floor-length peach clingy dress. She's 20 stone and really short. She dreading it. She'd much rather wear something that suits and have a good time.

@MrsTerryPratchett Something similar happened to a friend of mine, it was a green monstrosity, she hated that dress!

Yikes.

OP I 100% understand the hurt.

But perhaps she isn’t having any to save money, or she has pressure to have cousins etc.

When you next see her tell her you’re so excited for her wedding, have you decided on bridesmaids best man etc. im sure it isn’t a case of she doesn’t find you fun!

I actually live in dread of people asking me to be a BM 🤣 and have said no a couple of times. I find it such a huge commitment and the expectation to organise so much, etc plus it’s an absolute fortune and the day is much more fun as a guest.

You need to grow up

OP, if you're good friends have you not had any chats about her wedding? When any of my friends have been getting married (whether I've been bridesmaid or not) there's lots of wedding chats long before the invites come out so I've always been aware who the wedding party is.

I don't think you're being ridiculous to feel hurt, I can imagine I'd find it quite hurtful too but I wouldn't jump the gun too much regarding bridesmaids, she might have one or two of just family. You don't even know yet.

personally I am not into the idea of adult bridesmaids - why does an adult woman of 33 want other adult women walking down the aisle with her - unless they are family i.e. sisters / cousins / the groom's sisters etc.
( as I personally think adult bridesmaids may be taller / slimmer etc. than the bride

Because they want to?

Because it’s tradition?

https://simplepleasuresweddings.com/blog/dont-forget-about-the-groom/#:~:text=Protecting%2520the%2520duo%E2%80%93and%2520mainly,ten%2520bridesmaids%2520and%2520ten%2520groomsmen%253F

Blimey, you are seriously overreacting. I didn’t have any of my friends as bridesmaids, though I love them to death. I picked my two little goddaughters instead. One of my closest friends had no bridesmaids. I’d far rather be a guest than a bridesmaid anyway. You seem to have an abnormally strong and self-destructive reaction to perceived rejection, and jump quickly to extreme conclusions. Counselling could help you. Also go on the blooming camping trip. Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face!

You might want to research rejection sensitivity/rejection sensitive dysphoria. I think there are traits you might recognise.

Gosh that's a very intense reaction to something I would consider a non issue. I had two cousins as my bridesmaids as I had lots of friends and couldn't choose. Has she got sisters and other female relatives? Just go and enjoy seeing your friend get married.

I came here to say this.
having been a sufferer myself (until I had lots of therapy! Life is so much better without this kind of horrible pain!)
I know that no amount of people telling you it’s not a big deal will help.

if you have RSD, what you’re feeling might be a deep physical pain that makes it hard to enjoy life at all right now.

if that’s the case, know that you’re not alone in this, and that this is normal and what you’re feeling is okay! BUT the stories your mind is coming up with as to what it means that she hasn’t asked you- those things aren’t true. At ALL.

the only facts you have are that you’ve been invited to her wedding, and that she will have bridesmaids (are you certain of this? Some people don’t want bridesmaids.)

there is a lot of political family jostling when it comes to bridesmaids and all that - sometimes it can be an absolute nightmare. You don’t have any info as to what she’s going through, or who she’s having to please with this. Weddings can be such a minefield for creating strife!

if this is someone you consider a dear, close friend, just try to trust that there will be some reason for this, and it’s NOT a rejection of you.

there’s a TED talk out there about rejection, and how it shows up in the same place in our brain as when we are physically hurt. The brain lights up like we broke a leg or something.

the way to help it, it is said, is to choose a trait about yourself that you are glad you have, proud of, that you feel is good. For example, your loyalty to this friend is quite a lovely trait.
then write about that trait. For some reason, this has to be writing by hand (not typing), in order for the brain to heal. Write why it’s helpful, why it’s a lovely trait to have, and how you would value someone with that trait in your life.

it’s a way to set the wound. It’s a way to deal with the hurt. Whether or not she rejected you, you’re feeling as if she did, and those feelings need some care.

hugs, op. I hope you find out she had to ask family members - I hope you go to the wedding and have a wonderful time - I hope you wind up being so glad you’re not stuck in a bridesmaid’s dress, in that tedious job (it can be awful! And expensive!)

If you show her that you are reacting badly to this then it will affect the friendship and you will be difficult to be around. You should just be happy for her and not put yourself at the centre of this. Do adults even have best friends nowadays? What do you say to her to make her have to tell you she doesn't have best friends?

Thank you, both. I will definitely look into this. And thank you very much newnamehiwhodis for sharing your experience and advice.

Thank you for the advice. This was said about 15-20 years ago and I can't remember the context.

Just enjoy simply being one of the guests.

I don't think it is a snub. It looks like you aren't yet even sure whether she is having bridesmaids or not. They are not compulsory.

I have had periods where I have felt less important to friends than they are to me. It's hurts and sucks.

Counselling definitely helped me with my esteem.

Basically you are two different people, you feel close to her in an individual way. She feels close to you but also has several other friends she feels the same or perhaps more about.

That's not a negative on you I'm sure she loves you and you are great friends. You just have different situations.

Try not to let this taint your friendship, it's still as valid. Do you know who she has chosen as bridesmaids. ? There can be many reasons for choosing- pressure from family, proximity, confidence. You don't know why she hasn't asked you but it's unlikely to be because you're not a good friend.

I wouldn't say anything as it may spoil your friendship if she is made to feel bad for not asking.

Just be interested, get involved if asked and enjoy supporting your friend.

Again, the MN 'all relationships are transactional' trope.
No person is obligated to 'honour' any investment in a relationship. Friendhip and all that goes with it shoul be given freely without expectation.
Otherwise, it is very school playground

Just because someone is your closest friend, doesn’t always mean you are theirs.

That’s absolutely fine; there’s no need to avoid them, or end a friendship over it?

Sounds like a family friends-type situation.

I get not wanting to spend £6k

But you cancelled because you weren't a bridesmaid/no hen? 😳

Put a positive spin on it
you get to wear your choice of outfit
you won’t have any ‘responsibilities’ on the day
you can arrive and leave when you want on the day
you don’t need to get involved in any pre wedding drama
you may well spend less money / time
you’ll still be friends afterwards

I’d consider that you dodged a bullet. -have a scroll through the bridesmaids / wedding posts

Please don't consider ending a valued friendship over not being a bridesmaid - it's not the 'be all and end all' marker of what you mean to someone. You have your invite - go and enjoy the day celebrating with your friend, whether she has other bridesmaids or not.

From what you say, I also wonder if you're being a bit harsh on your mum, who was perhaps just trying to reassure you and move your thinking on a bit.

I ger your point.However when you have been friends from childhood., it sometimes means that while you are still close , maybe she has other uni friends or similar, maybe they have had her for their BM or something. Do go on the camping trip. It will be a chance to bond .When u marry you will see it is not as easy as it seems!