To be so upset to not be chosen as a bridesmaid?

[aenre2or]

Would really appreciate advice as my family don't get why I'm upset and 99% of my friends are mutual friends with this person.
I am 33 my closest female friend since we were 5 is getting married next year. My invite arrived today which my mum said meant she definitely wouldn't ask me to be a bridesmaid, does everyone agree? I find it's really affecting my self esteem, that I can maintain a friendship for over 28 years but she doesn't consider me among her top 4-6 friends. She's always said that I give the best advice. Yet clearly she doesn't consider me as fun, likeable, interesting and whatever else as them. My mother said she couldn't understand why I would even think I might be a bridesmaid as she has such a wide circle of friends. This actually hurts possibly more than anything that my own mother thinks so little of me, I'm really trying to see how else she could mean this but its hard to see an alternative. Friend's always said she doesn't have a best friend which I respect and understand and I've never asked to be her best friend. She has called two other women sisters to her, I don't know how she talks about me to other people but I thought we had the same level of relationship as this. She does keep in good contact and has suggested us meeting up alone several times so I know she doesn't hate my company. I don't think i'm co-dependant or a nightmare. I'm generally described as kind and thoughtful by friends. I see her parents regularly and our parents are friendly. I doubt my mum would ask her mum if she's finished choosing bridesmaids because my mum hates conflict. I hate conflict too. I probably won't say anything to her because it would be too awkward and (as above) most of my friends are hers too. It's not about the day to me at all it's what not being chosen as a bridesmaid represents about our friendship and what she thinks of me compared to these other women (I know all of them or who I think they would be anyway). Whenever I've been forgotten about or excluded in the past I've cut that person out because I knew they weren't at all bothered. That isn't an option here and I don't want to end our friendship but I don't know how to deal with my hurt or the effect its having on my self esteem. I am literally not going on the group camping trip because I can't bear spending time with her. Its making me feel like I would feel really alone among all my other friends wondering what they think of me if the person I'm closest to holds me in so little regard. I don't know how to assess my personality/ traits, if its possible to change and if I should/need to. Sorry if I sound irrational I know I've probably based too much of my self esteem on my friendships, any advice much appreciated.

It certainly must. Not to mention being that self-centered and self-important.

From what I can see the op has no idea of who the bridesmaids are, how many or if any. She’s just assumed there is 4-6 and who they are, so I think some jealousy at play here.

@aenre2or I agree with lots of the previous posters.

Fully understand why you might be a bit sad, but there are many, many factors at play here.

My bestie asked me to be her best woman after we'd only known each other about 5 years. She had loads of other more established long standing friends but asked me because I'm very organised and she knew I'd keep her calm (her words). It was no reflection on any of the others and she is still friends with them years on. She wasn't my bestie then, but is now.

Things change in friendships all the time. Things wax and wane, life gets in the way sometimes , and sometimes we lean on those obviously right in front of us, sometimes those we feel emotionally more connected to, those who are party animals when we need that.

I'd really suggest you start working on your self esteem a bit as it does seem a bit fragile (very common so don't add that to the self-inflicted pile on of why you think you are a bit rubbish - you're not!).

Try turning your thinking around. What fabulous outfit will you wear so that you feel a million dollars? What lovely gift will you give that she's really love? Can you save up to stay in a nice hotel for that weekend and make it really special for you? Weddings are lovely occasions and you can now relax, turn up looking amazing, eat, dance, chat and have a smashing time- with no pressure at all. All whilst watching someone you care about having the best day of her life. That's pretty special I'd say, and she's chosen to share it with you. Nice!

Are you much prettier than she is? I had a colleague at work talk about not choosing any friends to be her bridesmaid who were better looking than her. She wanted to be the centre of attention in the day. I know it’s a bit weird, but who knows?

My best friend wasn't my bridesmaid, but then none of my friends were, I have 3 younger sisters and my ex had 3 younger sisters, so I chose all 6 of them to be my bridesmaids. I can understand why you feel that way, maybe talk to your friend and explain that you are confused as to why you were not chosen, since you have been very good friends since so young. She might be able to put your mind at rest.

They have known each other since they were young, but here's what the OP said in her original post:

She does keep in good contact and has suggested us meeting up alone several times so I know she doesn't hate my company

"Keeping in contact" and getting together very occasionally doesn't point to an especially close friendship. And the OP's mother was surprised that she would expect to be asked to be a bridesmaid since the bride has such a wide circle of friends.

I think the OP and the bride would probably describe their relationship differently. It would be embarrassing for both of them if the OP questioned why she wasn't asked.

You sound like a dramatic princess who is incredibly needy. I tried four times to read your post and failed to read in full throughout. Me, me and me is all that came across from start to finish. Gave up on the middle. Your friend has been kind - what you fail to realise is that it is her wedding and she will no doubt choose to have around her friends that are not dramatic / princesses. This is her day not yours. Either accept the invite as a guest or decline gracefully - have you at least got that in you to do that without causing a hoohah?

I think the bridesmaids issue (or not) is a symptom of some far greater issues that people have spoke kindly about and OP has acknowledged to some extent. This is a real opportunity to ‘do the work’ OP, and extricate your self-validation from the actions of other people. Good luck.

GOOD HEAVENS! Is there some way to only quote part of a response???

YES, about political jostling in families when it comes to bridesmaids! And it can be overwhelming. When I married, my mother gave me a list of young women who I had to have as bridesmaids, or start WWIII. NONE of them were my dearest friends. To accommodate just two of my friends and the "Must Haves," I'd have had 16 bridesmaids. At that point, I managed to get the bit between my teeth, cancelled the venue, cancelled the printers for invitations, tore up the guest list, and announced that I would get married on the beach with no one but my parents, his parents, and my godparents in attendance. Reception would be as planned. OH, the tantrums that followed! But it was a lovely wedding, if far lower-key than my mother wanted (suited me to a tee), and the reception was a rousing success.

Perhaps your friend is in something of the same situation, without the fortitude to stand up to the pressure (GOD KNOWS where I found it!).

Perhaps she isn't even having bridesmaids. I didn't have any.

I have been friends with my bf since we where 3 she never asked me to be her bridesmaid but later on explained that she just couldn't afford another and wanted her family member to be included . Was I a little hurt yeah I'm human but I got over it . People have reasons for doing things they do . I think you have to focus on your own self worth and believe that you are a wonderful and amazing person but that not every thing is about you ( this isn't ment to be cheeky and it's hard )

I do completely understand your hurt. My son is getting married soon and there's 3 sisters but only 1 who hasn't been chosen for a bridesmaid. It's hurt that sisters feelings a lot but she won't say anything because she doesn't want to upset the bride.
As a friend though, we often can't have all our friends as numbers would be too high. So maybe she's sticking to family members only or not having any at all.

I've seen my maid of honour once in the 12 years since I got married. She was brilliant on the day and organised everything really well, but then got busy with work (because she's so good at organising everything that she keeps getting promoted).

It's ok to be hurt. As the invites have only come 5 weeks after engagement, it's more than possible that she hasn't chosen yet! I didn't choose mine until maybe 6 months after engagement (it was an 18 month engagement due to pregnancy) and I didn't give anything away before I asked, because I wanted it to be a special moment and I bought little personalised gifts.

If you can't help it, ask her "are you having bridesmaids?" And see what she says. It gives her an opportunity to 'let you down gently' without you explicitly asking "am I a bridesmaid?"

That is mean. In the case I mentioned further up the thread the bride had one of her sisters and not the other. She also had two work friends and she never bothered keeping in touch with them afterwards. Nobody had ever heard of them, it was odd. I know I was a real drama llama over it, but I had a lot of issues.

I am literally not going on the group camping trip because I can't bear spending time with her
In which case I assume you’ll politely decline attending her wedding so as not to appear a hypocrite?
Or see her again?

And I trust you will tell her why.

why not read the OP’s posts?

OP, please stop worrying yourself about this the possible scenarios in a nutshell are:
No bridesmaids or just a sister= result because it saves you feeling rejected and you also don't have to waste days faffing about in dress fittings and other painfully dull stuff.
Hasn't chosen them or notified them yet: is she one of these performative types that'll invite you all to dinner and make a big fuss of announcing it?
Is she an instatwat and isn't calling bridesmaids yet to check no ones gonna be preggers or dye their hair a stupid colour and spoil the aesthetics?
Is she having a big group of bridesmaids and excluding you? Well, fuck her. You don't need to say anything but you know the score, order really expensive drinks from the paid bar, leave early go to a fun bar once the tab runs out 😂
I've declined all 3 bridesmaid invites in my time and only attended 3 weddings in my 40 years because I can't think of many worse ways to spend a Saturday tbh 😂 I couldnt even be arsed to have my own wedding we signed and went for a pub crawl on the seafront, all 4 of us.
Life's too short, give it no thought.

You don’t even know want the bridesmaid situation is yet?

I just chose someone who was actually not one of my oldest friends, then there would be no squabbling.

Has she asked anyone to be a bridesmaid yet though? Have you seen her since the invitation came out? Maybe she is waiting to ask you in person?
Maybe she just has so many people to choose from and doesn't want to upset anyone so is just going to have one bridesmaid or something?
I would at least wait until you know the full situation before getting too upset x

i can understand you being a bit miffed, but really the feelings of rejection you have seem out of proportion. You need to work on your self esteem. As well as therapy, consider doing some volunteer work where you will see just what a positive difference you make to
other peoples lives and how valuable you are as an individual. Do things that bring you joy, swimming, art classes anything g to get out and make new friends. Borden your horizons.

Your mum is the problem

No wonder you have low self esteem! What a horrible thing to say to you!

Sod the bridesmaid thing and ditch your mum!

And yes you can get an invite and be asked to be a bridesmaid. That's how I did mine.

I’m not sure if the focus of your personal development and counselling should be limited to low self esteem, but also the question of why this one person is very much a focal person in your world and why so much of your emotions are pulled into her.

respectfully, your original post sounds so much younger than that of a 33 year old. I’d address this too.

I agree with other posters, I think that your mum/ your relationship with your mum is something to consider in this picture, too.

even your subsequent messages sound very consumed by this friendship .

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I had chronically low self esteem but learned the other way and was a loner and cut myself off from others including my own family. Therapy helped with this a lot, I’m sure you’re an amazing friend the fact that this has hurt you so much.

However, what strikes me is that if you choose this hill to die on you’ll likely lose your other friends too should it get nasty, or it’s certainly a risk to bear in mind. Honestly I would try and look fabulous, have a great time celebrating and leave it behind. If you hadn’t been invited at all that would be a bit different. I’m sure she’s very much looking forward to celebrating with you. Try and shake it off, and from personal experience a good therapist can be a massive help with issues like this once something identifies them to you and if you want to work on it.

FWIW I don’t think your Mum thinks little of you, it does sound a little like this is hurting you so much you’ve twisted things to fit the way you’re feeling. It’s easily done.

Good luck!

I sent all invites out and then messaged who I wanted as maid of honour and bridesmaids separately. Flower girls and page boys were chosen later too. Main was to get invites out so people could book work off etc. she may not have friends as bridesmaids and just have family. Mine were family and 1 friend and who knows why that friend was chosen. It wasn't my friends that I had known forever and was friends with parents etc. it was one that was pregnant like I was and her mam thought I was a bad influence at school and my mam thought same about her 😂. It's not to make anyone feel bad it's just a choice in that moment so please don't feel bad about it. It's definitely not because it's a rubbish friendship just there will be other unknown factors in it that you aren't privvy to. Even now only one I really know why I chose was my sister as maid of honour. Others were just chosen and no rhyme nor reason 16yrs on that I can think of tbh. I'm still on great terms with everyone and no one told me they were upset about it, thankfully even now they say how great it was.