To be so upset to not be chosen as a bridesmaid?

[aenre2or]

Would really appreciate advice as my family don't get why I'm upset and 99% of my friends are mutual friends with this person.
I am 33 my closest female friend since we were 5 is getting married next year. My invite arrived today which my mum said meant she definitely wouldn't ask me to be a bridesmaid, does everyone agree? I find it's really affecting my self esteem, that I can maintain a friendship for over 28 years but she doesn't consider me among her top 4-6 friends. She's always said that I give the best advice. Yet clearly she doesn't consider me as fun, likeable, interesting and whatever else as them. My mother said she couldn't understand why I would even think I might be a bridesmaid as she has such a wide circle of friends. This actually hurts possibly more than anything that my own mother thinks so little of me, I'm really trying to see how else she could mean this but its hard to see an alternative. Friend's always said she doesn't have a best friend which I respect and understand and I've never asked to be her best friend. She has called two other women sisters to her, I don't know how she talks about me to other people but I thought we had the same level of relationship as this. She does keep in good contact and has suggested us meeting up alone several times so I know she doesn't hate my company. I don't think i'm co-dependant or a nightmare. I'm generally described as kind and thoughtful by friends. I see her parents regularly and our parents are friendly. I doubt my mum would ask her mum if she's finished choosing bridesmaids because my mum hates conflict. I hate conflict too. I probably won't say anything to her because it would be too awkward and (as above) most of my friends are hers too. It's not about the day to me at all it's what not being chosen as a bridesmaid represents about our friendship and what she thinks of me compared to these other women (I know all of them or who I think they would be anyway). Whenever I've been forgotten about or excluded in the past I've cut that person out because I knew they weren't at all bothered. That isn't an option here and I don't want to end our friendship but I don't know how to deal with my hurt or the effect its having on my self esteem. I am literally not going on the group camping trip because I can't bear spending time with her. Its making me feel like I would feel really alone among all my other friends wondering what they think of me if the person I'm closest to holds me in so little regard. I don't know how to assess my personality/ traits, if its possible to change and if I should/need to. Sorry if I sound irrational I know I've probably based too much of my self esteem on my friendships, any advice much appreciated.

Love this. I really took exception to someone’s post that they were not surprised if op was that intense in real life. OP was just being real. If everyone was so open and authentic the world would be such a better place. Stuff like this treatment from people who show their true colors is a signpost from life that you have not yet met your tribe!

My god, if everyone was like OP there would be constant drama and tears and upset

And absolutely no one would have parties, weddings, bridesmaids or meals out, or anything that operated on a selective basis, because the people being 'open and authentic' would wail so much.

Dudes, the OP hasn't been back since Wednesday. ..

How are you making your friends wedding about yourself! Your reaction shows a lot about you so I’m not at all suprised she didn’t pick you! You sound like hard work.

I hope your friend has an amazing day and suggest you don’t take all this negativity to her as she won’t thank you for it and will probably have a laugh at your expense.

Don’t like not being picked and removing yourself from your friends… crazy!!! You will end up very sad and lonely.

I don’t have any advice, sorry, just that I’d be really upset too. I live my life very similarly - get hurt easily and cut people out. I often feel I’m overlooked/let down/left out etc. I actually had one of my bridesmaids say to me “you’ll be mine too!!” I wasn’t.. no idea really how I got like this?

Oh but also wanted to say - invites our 5 weeks after engagement? Are they getting married very quickly?! That seems odd! Is it invites or save the date?

Is it the full invite or a save the date? If she is sending full invites 5 weeks after getting engaged maybe it’s a small wedding with no bridesmaids? As that’s super fast, I’d barely even told everyone I was engaged at that point!

If she had indeed had asked another 6 women to be bridesmaid, then I’m afraid she just doesn’t see you as her closest friend as you do her. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t see you as a close friend at all, just that she has others in her life too. I don’t think anyone can blame her.

As someone else said, if you were bridesmaid or you were close enough to be, she would presumably have shared wedding plans with you before now, including asking your advice on the invites themselves!

I attended my closest friends wedding recently. She had no bridesmaids. But I was there for her throughout planning and on the day doing what a bridesmaid would normally do. Because that’s what friends do, it doesn’t need to be labelled imo and I actually find the whole wedding party thing quite outdated.

I disagree with the majority here. You're not being unreasonable. You're allowed to have feelings on this. You consider this person an important enough friend that you figured you would be an obvious choice for a bridesmaid to spend with them on their special day. You thought you were that kind of friend, and now you're wondering if you might not be to them. Regardless of why the choice has been made, it sounds like you're feeling disappoint, reflected and let down. How you feel is entirely valid and okay. You can't control how you feel. You can't change the fact you expected something (whether rightly or wrongly) and are now feeling lots of emotions because it hasn't happened. There's nothing wrong with feeling the way you feel. After 28 years of friendship, it's understandable.

Everything else actually doesn't matter here because you're allowed to feel the way you feel, and process that the way you need, as long it doesn't result in you blowing up at your friend or being unnecessarily cruel - which it sounds like won't happen anyway.

But maybe try not to completely reassess this friendship because 28 years is a long time, and it doesn't mean your friend doesn't care about you. It just might not be quite the way you feel about her, which sucks, a lot, just maybe give yourself some time to process and deal with how you're feeling before making any rash decisions about your friendships future.

You are allowed to feel upset just don’t let it get out of control.

I did notice you said your Mothers meet up all the time, every week. Is it that they were very good friends so you two know each other through your Mothers?

My mum is currently feeling this way about her friends wedding, she expected to be asked to be bridesmaid and she wasn't. She's really upset and annoyed so you're not anlone in your feelings OP

I'm engaged and haven't really started thinking about my own wedding yet, but I've decided one thing, I'm only asking my sisters. I have 3 and my fiancées sister to be bridesmaids, that's 4 and I think that's more than enough. I have 3 other close friends but 7 bridesmaids in my view is too many. And I couldn't leave any of them out. I will tell each of them beforehand though that I'm only having my sisters and I'm hoping that save any hurt feelings, I'm also not haven't a maid of honour because I'm not choosing a favourite sister, that's really cruel

Are you still friends? What did you say to her and how did she take the news?