To be so upset to not be chosen as a bridesmaid?

[aenre2or]

Would really appreciate advice as my family don't get why I'm upset and 99% of my friends are mutual friends with this person.
I am 33 my closest female friend since we were 5 is getting married next year. My invite arrived today which my mum said meant she definitely wouldn't ask me to be a bridesmaid, does everyone agree? I find it's really affecting my self esteem, that I can maintain a friendship for over 28 years but she doesn't consider me among her top 4-6 friends. She's always said that I give the best advice. Yet clearly she doesn't consider me as fun, likeable, interesting and whatever else as them. My mother said she couldn't understand why I would even think I might be a bridesmaid as she has such a wide circle of friends. This actually hurts possibly more than anything that my own mother thinks so little of me, I'm really trying to see how else she could mean this but its hard to see an alternative. Friend's always said she doesn't have a best friend which I respect and understand and I've never asked to be her best friend. She has called two other women sisters to her, I don't know how she talks about me to other people but I thought we had the same level of relationship as this. She does keep in good contact and has suggested us meeting up alone several times so I know she doesn't hate my company. I don't think i'm co-dependant or a nightmare. I'm generally described as kind and thoughtful by friends. I see her parents regularly and our parents are friendly. I doubt my mum would ask her mum if she's finished choosing bridesmaids because my mum hates conflict. I hate conflict too. I probably won't say anything to her because it would be too awkward and (as above) most of my friends are hers too. It's not about the day to me at all it's what not being chosen as a bridesmaid represents about our friendship and what she thinks of me compared to these other women (I know all of them or who I think they would be anyway). Whenever I've been forgotten about or excluded in the past I've cut that person out because I knew they weren't at all bothered. That isn't an option here and I don't want to end our friendship but I don't know how to deal with my hurt or the effect its having on my self esteem. I am literally not going on the group camping trip because I can't bear spending time with her. Its making me feel like I would feel really alone among all my other friends wondering what they think of me if the person I'm closest to holds me in so little regard. I don't know how to assess my personality/ traits, if its possible to change and if I should/need to. Sorry if I sound irrational I know I've probably based too much of my self esteem on my friendships, any advice much appreciated.

It's understandable to feel disappointed if you thought you would be asked, and I can very much identify with feelings of being left out or like other people have more close friends than you. It hurts sometimes.

However, please don't make this into something it isn't. If she has a wide circle, choosing bridesmaids will be difficult, and there may even be family she needs to consider too. I've never been to a wedding with 4-6 bridesmaids so I don't know why you would assume that, and if there are a big number it's normally because they've felt they need to include some if their or their new dhs family, so certainly not 4-6 friends. But even if she has, she still invited you to the wedding. That means she likes you and you are her friend!

I can think of some really close friends I know who weren't each others bridesmaids, usually because they didn't want many. These people are still close years later and it would be a tragedy if one of them had distanced themselves and lost that over one day and a dress, when they could have been enjoying their friends wedding!

Some people are also so sociable and popular that the way you feel about them is also the way many many others do too.

some special friends of mine are just so great that they have many friendships and I have to accept that they don’t have the same time to focus on being as close to me as I’d like to be to them. I just enjoy the chances I do get to see them. I don’t see the fact they have a much bigger social world as a rejection of me, I’m just in awe of their charisma 😊

friendships also grow and change depending on time of life; often you may actually spend more time with work colleagues or local parents at same life stage out of convenience/limited time, it doesn’t mean you don’t care about the frjends you are able to see less but might just make you less of a consideration for bridesmaid.

this is an issue with your own self esteem and expectations. Don’t let it ruin what sounds like a lovely friendship; and suck it up and go on the camping trip!!

Go on that trip with your friends. There will be others there who are also not bridesmaids. There's no reason to punish your friend for her (apparent) decision.

Your friend has a wide circle of friends. Do you really think all the other non- bridesmaids are going to drop her too? Of course they're not. They'll be there at the wedding having a good time and wishing her well. And so should you be.

Your reaction is extreme. I'm sorry you feel that way, but the answer isn't to s drop your friend (and consequently the rest of your mutual circle).

Absolutely my first thought .

I am sorry OP it's not a nice thing to happen

I don't think you sound intense and I totally understand your feelings and pain. I recently wasn't invited on a hen do and to the wedding of a woman I thought I was friends with. It was extremely painful and hit me for six. It took me a lot of days to "get over it".

The only advice I can give is that it's highly likely she does love and appreciate you but she may feel she is closer to some others on a day to day basis than she is to you. This doesn't mean she doesn't value your friendship and care about you. But I can understand how hurtful and upsetting this is.

This is all a bit strange. Surely if you’re as close as you seem to be saying that you are, then you’d know much more about her wedding and bridesmaid plans? Do you not discuss the wedding when you see her or chat to her or have I missed something? You say you don’t even know how many or who the bridesmaids are?
Of course it’s disappointing not to be ‘chosen’ but it doesn’t change anything about your friendship.

I do think its likely she'll have around 6 bridesmaids.

Do you ever see her on your own? Has she chatted with you about any wedding plans? How do you know she will have 6 bridesmaids?

If she's the type of friend you meet up with for a chat then ask her about her wedding plans and be enthusiastic.

If she's not that type of friend then I wouldn't expect her to ask you.

Finally I've never had an invite to a wedding at least 7 months ahead! I'm amazed she has sent an invite now for next year.

From the comments, I don't think the op is friends with this person. They lived/live close enough that grew up together. The friend has closer friends. The op probably finds most of her information about the friend through her mother who visits the friends mother often. That is not friendship. That's just knowing someone through existence. The friend has people who are non blood related with whom she calls sisters. If anything, the op should be sister from another mother. However, this might apply more to her mother than anything.

Do you have any reason to think she's having 4-6 bridesmaids? That's a lot and would be quite unusual. The choice of bridesmaids is not necessarily a reflection of who the bride values most as a friend. There could be family members she feels obliged to choose, and there may be practical considerations like who lives closest for dress fittings and to provide support.

Viewing this as a personal slight is only going to do you harm. Please find a way to move on from it. Not going on the group holiday is cutting off your nose to spite your face and will only serve to make you more distancef from the whole group. You will be happier in the long run if you can manage not to care about not being her bridesmaid. Try very hard to find a way to do that. Get some counselling if you need to.

I had already been thinking as I read ‘wow this person needs to work on her self esteem’ and then I read your last sentence - this is the crux of the issue. Start valuing yourself not by how much your friends or other people like you but by your own sense of your intrinsic worth. It does sound like you could use some therapy if possible .

You really need to let this bridesmaid thing go if you want to continue to have good and healthy friendships. See it for what it is - not choosing you is not a slight on how much your friend likes you in this situation, and more importantly is not a reflection on you as a person. Try and remember this, focus on being happy for her and do things like going on the camping trip so that you can maintain your friendship.

you’re 33 not 13.

you need to start acting like an adult

I've just set a wedding date, I don't have a 'best' friend but I do have a number of close friends and what has taken me aback is how many of them have said 'presumably I'll be a bridesmaid' or 'what sort of bridesmaids dress are we having' without me ever having suggested that I might ask. People have even suggested their kids saying 'oh my xxx has never been a bridesmaid, if you are happy to have an extra one, we would pay for her dress'

It's extremely awkward and I've not asked anyone yet for fear of this exact reaction. Tbh I'd only planned on having my daughters but I don't know how to approach it.

So with this in mind yabu because it won't be personal, it will be a hard decision weighing old friendships over new, and worrying people will take it personally. Avoiding trips with your friend etc it all sounds very childish. I'm sorry that you have self esteem problems but you need to unlink the value of your friendship with whether or not you are a bridesmaid, surely other friendship factors matter more?

Our parents see each other about 3 times a week

It sounds like you are old family friends through your parents, is that right? Who are the two friends that she refers to as ‘sisters’-how does she know them?

The fact she has told you she doesn’t have a best friend suggests she has perhaps been trying to manage expectations a little. Have you told her she is your best friend at some point?

I'm guessing that your Mum is concerned that at 33 your thought processes are so child like. You definitely need help.

This level of introspection and angst at age 33 about being a bridesmaid is unhealthy

The bride to be has lots of friends. She may or may not have a best friend but its not you.

Have a think about the type of personalities the bride to be might want surrounding her at HER wedding

I'm guessing not someone who will make it all about them?

So your friend doesn't hold you in the same esteem as you hold her. Tough realisation. If you are sure this is the case then all you can do is to lower your expectations. It's only you who is feeling this hurt. You need to stop it hurting and the only way is to detach yourself and lower your expectations

You need therapy to process your intense obsessional thoughts on friendships. It would help you need learn about healthy boundaries in future relationships. You come across as way too intense & if you were my friend I'd keep you at arms length. Your desperation to be a bridesmaid might be more obvious than you realise & your friend has subconsciously picked up the signals.

'Holds me in so little regard' she hasn't done anything mean to you. Some people do have lots of close friends and they don't always choose 'oldest friend' or 'most loved' they sometimes choose 'good at planning hen do' 'will be good fun to get ready with' which is up to her.
Also she might just have sisters or family or kids, lots do.

I think that you are making this into a huge thing and you might benefit from counselling to help you put things in perspective and boost your self esteem.

Only having your daughters is the best plan!

Have you ever been a bridesmaid? It’s not as romantic as it sounds. It’s a load of b o l l ….. if you ask me. If it’s any consolation being a bridesmaid or choosing bridesmaids is an absolute nightmare in my experience. I was a bridesmaid and after witnessing bridezilla so closely it tainted our relationship and put me right off weddings. You need counseling for your rejection sensitivity which I get might well be linked into your perception of your mothers attitude. Me too. You are clearly a lovely, kind and highly sensitive person. I hope you’re ok.

I’d most definitely seek cbt for low self esteem. Alternatively you can have a go at it yourself if you feel able by reading overcoming low self esteem, which is on the nhs recommended reading list.

Maybe she isn’t having bridesmaids. Or has chosen family members. Or children/ teenagers ( being a bridesmaid is more for this age group anyway I think).

Agree with this. Why are people so heartless at times.

Me too 🤍

I can understand why you might feel upset, but you don't know the details of the wedding. Maybe she's having none/ one bm. I think if she was going to ask you she'd have done it before invites went out. This now gives you time to accept it's unlikely to happen and find a way to not make it about you.

So what has actually happened so far is that she has invited you to her wedding. You and your mother have then decided that you are not going to be a bridesmaid and you are extracting yourself from your friendship group because of it and you are not going on the planned trip. The crime (of her inviting you to her wedding) doesn't really fit the punishment (you no longer being able to be her friend). I think a grip is needed to be gotten.