To be so upset to not be chosen as a bridesmaid?

[aenre2or]

Would really appreciate advice as my family don't get why I'm upset and 99% of my friends are mutual friends with this person.
I am 33 my closest female friend since we were 5 is getting married next year. My invite arrived today which my mum said meant she definitely wouldn't ask me to be a bridesmaid, does everyone agree? I find it's really affecting my self esteem, that I can maintain a friendship for over 28 years but she doesn't consider me among her top 4-6 friends. She's always said that I give the best advice. Yet clearly she doesn't consider me as fun, likeable, interesting and whatever else as them. My mother said she couldn't understand why I would even think I might be a bridesmaid as she has such a wide circle of friends. This actually hurts possibly more than anything that my own mother thinks so little of me, I'm really trying to see how else she could mean this but its hard to see an alternative. Friend's always said she doesn't have a best friend which I respect and understand and I've never asked to be her best friend. She has called two other women sisters to her, I don't know how she talks about me to other people but I thought we had the same level of relationship as this. She does keep in good contact and has suggested us meeting up alone several times so I know she doesn't hate my company. I don't think i'm co-dependant or a nightmare. I'm generally described as kind and thoughtful by friends. I see her parents regularly and our parents are friendly. I doubt my mum would ask her mum if she's finished choosing bridesmaids because my mum hates conflict. I hate conflict too. I probably won't say anything to her because it would be too awkward and (as above) most of my friends are hers too. It's not about the day to me at all it's what not being chosen as a bridesmaid represents about our friendship and what she thinks of me compared to these other women (I know all of them or who I think they would be anyway). Whenever I've been forgotten about or excluded in the past I've cut that person out because I knew they weren't at all bothered. That isn't an option here and I don't want to end our friendship but I don't know how to deal with my hurt or the effect its having on my self esteem. I am literally not going on the group camping trip because I can't bear spending time with her. Its making me feel like I would feel really alone among all my other friends wondering what they think of me if the person I'm closest to holds me in so little regard. I don't know how to assess my personality/ traits, if its possible to change and if I should/need to. Sorry if I sound irrational I know I've probably based too much of my self esteem on my friendships, any advice much appreciated.

Honestly I felt really disappointed we have been friends since we were babies, we were/are like family so I thought.
She'd have me do things for her because she could only trust me and not her cousins or aunts other family members etc. That close. But then she was probably just using me.

So when the wedding came - I naturally thought I would be included even a minor role of little significance. But she chose other friends I'd never even met before. We ended up not going - I didn't feel good spending that much money on a trip I didn't choose, for someone who didn't value me as much.

Not at all. We are still friends - I just know where I sit in the pecking order.

This is such a sad read. I really feel for you. You actually sound quite unwell, none of your reactions would be considered healthy. You seem to have taken a perceived rejection and ran with it to really bring yourself down, and even considered getting your mum to ask which even you know is really bad.

she’s your friend, she clearly likes you. Being a bridesmaid or not doesn’t change that, her wedding isn’t about you, and ultimately neither will her choice of bridesmaids, there will be reasons.

i think you should seek some counselling, to help with your low self esteem, fear of rejection, anxiety etc. it can’t be fun to live like this and with help hopefully you don’t need to.

Choosing bridesmaids seems to be a bit “political” for lack of a better word for some people.

These are my future SILs, so I will have to ask them. This is my cousin who asked me to be bridesmaid at her wedding. This is my other cousin who will be upset if I don´t ask her as well…

Good and dependable friends may not “make the cut” unfortunately.

Your mother´s remarks sound extremely hurtful and harsh. I wouldn´t be surprised if she was a big reason for your lack of self-confidence! Have you ever looked into counselling? Learning to deal with disappointement and rejection is incredibly important. And it may help with your self-esteem as well!

I really don't understand WHY you want to be a bridesmaid, the only time I enjoyed it was first time when aged 11 I was my oldest cousin's bridesmaid and my dress was a pretty pink fabric with a pattern which suited me, I was also bought a pretty silver locket (sadly lost years later when the chain broke).
Subsequently I have had to endure pale yellow frothy 1980s thing (just not my colour let alone style), and a funny mauve-y purple very thin material strappy dress on a freezing cold day which again not my colour made me look ill.

Personally I prefer what I choose to wear for a wedding SO much more comfortable! Aside from which I can sit with DH and family, and generally get a good view of the whole wedding, and not have to hang about for photos as much!

Has your friend definitely confirmed she is having bridesmaids, I have been to 2 weddings recently.

The first one only had flowergirls and no bridesmaids (the oldest flowergirl was about 7) and the second wedding she had neither flowergirls or bridesmaids. Also the second one had only the bride and groom with no other persons involved in the wedding party. Could your friend be going down one of those routes?

Yabu. Shes invited you as a day guest which shows alone show that she thinks a lot of you.

I've been on the opposite side of this.

I was asked by two friends and I didn't want to be one. I think one of my friends was offended when I told her I wasn't the best choice to be one.

I have really bad anxiety and I hate standing up in front of other people. I've since found out I am neurodiverse so that's a huge contributor as I get overwhelmed a lot and I wouldn't want to ruin someone's day by it all. Plus I'm overweight and would look hideous next to other bridesmaids haha!

Like the others have said, just go along as guest and be happy for your friend on her special day. I know how it feels to always be the one on the sideline and it does hurt. But she is still a good friend to you and that's what you should concentrate on. Measuring your worth to what other people think of you is a disaster and something a lot of us do. I think as another astute poster mentioned, it seems your mother contributes to your poor self esteem. Has she always made comments like this?

You are worthy and you are unique. Remember that!

I know I've probably based too much of my self esteem on my friendships, any advice much appreciated.

I think that you have correctly pinpointed the situation, the truth is that this friend likes you but just doesn't feel as close to you as you do to her, and maybe doesn't need you as much as you need her friendship.

I agree that if she was going to ask you to be bridesmaid she would have done it by now, so I think that ship has sailed.

You need to focus on what you can do for yourself now, things to help you build up your self esteem and feel more confident in yourself. You need to learn to be more self reliant and not depend on the actions of other people to make you feel good. If you become more resilient then the actions of others won't make you feel so down either.

As a timid person myself I do understand that none of this is easy - that's sort of the point. There is a lot of advice out there, so choose something that suits you and set yourself some modest targets, and enjoy your friend's wedding.

OP, you are very dependant if this affect you that badly.
Your mum doesn't think little of you, she just point out some factual information.

Your self esteem is the problem here. Enjoy the wedding and work on yourself.

Your Mum is totally out of order. But the point is you have to decide ifnyou can put this behind you and carry on with the friendship. Or Are you going to let it fester away into the future. Just go forward and don't dwell on this.

This is the most tenuous link and way to project your own issues onto someone else. The situations are NOTHING the same. If you have no sensible advice for OP, stop projecting your own issues onto others

nail on the head and lovely, kind advice.

"Friend's always said she doesn't have a best friend which I respect and understand and I've never asked to be her best friend."

"She has suggested us meeting up alone several times so I know she doesn't hate my company."

"I am literally not going on the group camping trip because I can't bear spending time with her"

"I don't know how to assess my personality/ traits, if its possible to change and if I should/need to."

Wow. Where to start.

Your friend might have had a really tough time choosing bridesmaids. Maybe she has been a bridesmaid for others and felt she had to repay the favour? Maybe she had to choose nieces / step-kids / cousins? Maybe she chose based on their dress size or skin tone (semi light-hearted but I do know women who would do and have done this!)... Regardless, it is her wedding and her choice.

The problems here are with you, not your friend. It sounds like you are extremely insecure with little to no confidence. You can't base your happiness or personality on decisions your friend has made. People always say you can't be happy in a relationship until you're happy within yourself and the same applies to friendships. It isn't fair to put her in a place of being the one responsible for your self esteem and confidence issues.

A lot of what you have written sounds like you are a teenager, not a 30-something woman. Did something happen in childhood that you haven't managed to get over? I would suggest you need to start to see a psychologist to start to unpick some of the reasons why you feel the way you do.

FWIW my best friend didn't pick me to be her bridesmaid! She had her DD, DSD, best friend from childhood (who she was bridesmaid for) and her cousin. I wasn't offended and it has never affected our friendship (10 years on). I don't think we've even mentioned it?! Weddings are stressful and hard to plan. Don't make things more difficult for your friend.

Firstly is she even having bridesmaids, or perhaps they are just little girls? I'm only having younger ones myself, all family

Six bridesmaids??!?! I haven't got that many friends in the world!

Try not to take it personally, OP, she's probably chosen them because their hair colour matches her planned decor or something like that.

F

This, stop listening to her negativity. Tell her she isn’t helping your self esteem, and when she answers back that “ she is only telling you how it is” , tell her you are a grown up and don’t need her advice on how to play nicely in the playground any more.

Only there's no evidence whatsoever she's done anything so superficial. She may be having none, or only small children, or not have decided yet.

She got engaged 5 weeks ago and has already sent invitations? Or just save the date cards? I would be amazed if within 5 weeks, she has booked a venue, planned a guest list, arrange invitations and sent them out, as well as having reached any conclusions on bridesmaids etc.

Do you still live at home? Your relationship with your mother sounds odd. She does not sound kind or as if she is helping your self esteem. Has she always belittled you like that? Are your responses to situations always so child like?

Is it more a case of you have known her all your life as the daughter of your parents friends than truly a friend in your own capacity? It sounds as if you may have put more weight on it than she does. (Been there, done it myself, it stings).

Well this 70+ year-old absolutely has best friends

There are 3 of us and we couldn't be closer

I was chosen to be bridesmaid ahead of another close pal only because I was same height as bride’s sister who was the other bridesmaid and it would look better on the photos! All sorts of seemingly crazy decisions are made round weddings, they make total sense to those paying for it and getting married and they are justified in what they are doing, just go with the flow- it’s not you ( unless your height may influence how good the photos are lol)

Do you even know she is having bridesmaids? I would be gutted if a friend cut me off for not making them a bridesmaid. To much drama in weddings these days. Grow up and be happy for your friend whatever she chooses.

Lots of other people here have given examples of their own experiences. I am just advising her to move on. Loads of people get included in weddings or not. It's not the end of the world. She doesn't have to change who she is to appeal to the bride. She can choose not to go if she doesn't want to / feels let down.

I can only think about how you must feel having watched this kind of thing in films. I've not been to too many weddings and most of the ones I've been to didn't have brides maids and I've never been one. I've been married twice and never had bridesmaids. But I've learned from this thread that they are a way of saying "THESE are my best friends", which is nice if you're selected and not nice if you aren't.