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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

3 ‘baby mums’…. Instant red flag??

354 replies

Lilysienna1 · 13/05/2024 20:23

As the title says…. Would you continue talking with a man you’ve met (in person) if he told you he has 5 children with 3 women? (Youngest is a one year old, oldest is 16.)

From what he has said, the relationship he has with the mothers of his children is amicable, and he has all 5 of them (3 with 1 mum, then one each with the other 2) every other weekend and pays child support for all 5.

Bearing in mind, I have 3 children with my ex, so I feel like a hypocrite for even wondering if there is something just a bit off… that with 3 women things didn’t work out, that he has had the last 2 children fairly early into each relationship and that the youngest is only 1, and that relationship ended 6 months ago…. Red flag or second date…

OP posts:
Womblealongwithme · 13/05/2024 22:19

StSwithinsDay · 13/05/2024 22:14

As a matter of interest would posters feel the same about a woman who has children with 3 different fathers?

Yes. What's the difference?

ALPHAFEMALESINCEBIRTH · 13/05/2024 22:21

didn't stop my ex he's a dad of 11

we were together 22 years met at 17 and 18
each others only
romantically and physically(i was even his first kiss) had 2 kids(planed and very much wanted if it makes a difference, son 2 was fertility treatment) who were 16 and 10 at the time
we were together 5 years before son 1 came along

happy for years and even trying for a 3rd baby

he went out one night in nov 20 for McDonalds at 10pm and never came home

next morning after me and his parents being frantic
he tells his mum he's now engaged to our friend Phyllis(not real name obviously)who we were all very close too

she had a fiancée Dave(they were only together 6 months)
(not dad to any kids)they were trying for a baby as well

with in hours Dave got thrown out at 3 am
ex and P got engaged(she asked), they slept together and are trying for a baby
all with in roughly a 12 hour period

and without my knowledge that morning took his name off our claim and transferred it to hers
we were both on benefits and carers allowance as both sons are disabled and home educated as need 24/7 care so a joint claim

i was so happy the bills and money was in my name as he would have made us homeless

now she already had 7 kids by 7 different men(all before we became friends)6 all born 10 months after each other
so had a new-born went with another man x6
no dads involved and all under her name

6 of these have either autism or ADHD(the amount per month she was getting was thousands as each child was on high rate DLA)

both were adamant they wasn't an affair, Phyliss and Dave had a row and Dave had left
P rung ex to talk and he went to visit her(i had no idea all this was going on)P then declared her feelings for ex and it went from there
he literally decided to give his whole life up in that moment

few months later they married in early 21,how in a pandemic i never know but a registry office did it
just them, kids and oldest son(just turned 18)was the witness

she was already pregnant with child 8 and a week or so later ex put his name on all the kids birth certificates

now i knew that had to be illegal as he's not the dad but i didn't get involved
let any legal repercussions catch them up but it had been a few years

so with in months technically ex became a dad of 10(baby was born late sept 21)
AND she's pregnant again so soon 11

ex doesn't bother with my kids since the day he left,(kids were
so disgusted by his behaviour they didn't want to know and has never met the new baby)
hes also so busy with her kids he hasn't asked
i get my info from his mother
before that he was a 24/7 carer-parent
great dad and great partner

so there is people out there that will put up with this kind of behaviour and accept all type of baggage

PossumintheHouse · 13/05/2024 22:23

Nope. Logistics and finances aside, what's the bet there is a crackers one within the mix? I don't have the energy for that.

Bettedaviseyes111 · 13/05/2024 22:26

I honestly think it’s a situation whereby you have to judge the circumstances on an individual basis.

I have two children by two different fathers, they both cheated on me. So if anyone were to judge me for that I would seriously challenge them as I was prepared to be with both of my partners for life and I had to have IVF for both children so a long and committed process to have them.

Unfortunately life doesn’t always turn out how we want it to.

So no, not an immediate red flag for me, I would judge him on his behaviours towards me and that’s it.

Hiddenvoice · 13/05/2024 22:29

I dated a really nice guy who had children with multiple women. He was very honest and upfront about it all
and told me before we went on the first date. 2 of
which he had when he was very young.
He was also amicable with his exes and the children stayed when he was on his early nights (worked night shift).
Dating was difficult though, when he had nights off he had his children so we didn’t really get much time
together. There was so many different events that he attended for his children so it just seemed like he needed to focus on his family rather than a relationship.
We still keep in touch, he’s still single and it’s nice to see him putting his children first.

Although, he didn’t have as many different baby mums and his children were not as young as the man you’ve mentioned.

Lilysienna1 · 13/05/2024 22:32

Clearly it isn’t just me then for being put off… I will say he does seem lovely, but we’ve had just one ‘date’ (it wasn’t a pre arranged thing, we got chatting at a rugby match, ended up going to the clubhouse together for drinks and swapped numbers) he has the children every other weekend as a fixed arrangement, but he does see the older 3 very regularly as they are local so they pop in and out when they want and he does ferry them clubs etc, take them out quite often- I should have mentioned that. The younger 2, however, currently only see him Friday- Sunday every other weekend. He has a mortgage on a new 4 bed house and a good job.
At this stage, I was only looking to date casually, and definitely no children involved, so meet up when both child free- but I can see the logistics would be crazy, and if it did become serious, we would have 8 children between us and that’s even crazier. Think I’ll throw this one back in the sea.

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 13/05/2024 22:41

BeauSignoles · 13/05/2024 20:37

No way. Also as someone else pointed out - he has his kids every other weekend? What kind of "decent dad" is that? I'd be fighting tooth and nail for more access for my children.

This

Every other weekend is not a parent.

G123456789 · 13/05/2024 22:43

I!I'm make yes run. Now.

CurlewKate · 13/05/2024 22:43

The fact that he has a 1 year old would be enough for me.

SeeiToldYa · 13/05/2024 22:44

StSwithinsDay · 13/05/2024 22:14

As a matter of interest would posters feel the same about a woman who has children with 3 different fathers?

Probably not. It seems that when a man has multiple children with different women, it’s a a red flag. The same isn’t said for women doing the same..

PossumintheHouse · 13/05/2024 22:45

SeeiToldYa · 13/05/2024 22:44

Probably not. It seems that when a man has multiple children with different women, it’s a a red flag. The same isn’t said for women doing the same..

Isn't it? I'd have exactly the same reservations.

HcbSS · 13/05/2024 22:46

Afraid I wouldn't be dating a man even with one child unless the EW was dead. Sounds blunt but I don't want another woman in my relationship or planning my weekends/holidays around 'whose turn it is'. so 5 is a definite no, and even more so if he has been sowing his seed all round town.

elevens24 · 13/05/2024 22:47

Stay away. He obviously has poor judgement.

MissCamden · 13/05/2024 22:52
Warning Red Flag GIF by FBOY Island

This: When I was dating I wouldn't date anyone who had children

  • multiple kids from 3 different women? No way.
  • youngest is 1? No
Mnetcurious · 13/05/2024 22:54

SeeiToldYa · 13/05/2024 22:44

Probably not. It seems that when a man has multiple children with different women, it’s a a red flag. The same isn’t said for women doing the same..

Disagree. If it was a male friend telling me the same about a woman with multiple kids by three dads with those ages, I’d be telling him to avoid her too.

Dweetfidilove · 13/05/2024 22:56

5 children, 3 exes and a 1 year old?
He wouldn’t get much more than a hello from me.
I am not surprised he seems lovely.

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 13/05/2024 22:59

Sounds like someone with very bad commitment issues. If he is amicable with all 3 why did at least one of the relationships not work out? He's also someone who didn't learn after the first twice. There's also 5 children to consider, 3 separate families and all the schedules and arrangements that comes with all of that. Throw your own 3 into the mix and that's a lot of children to coordinate.

There'll be easier relationships out there for you.

Copperoliverbear · 13/05/2024 23:00

No id run and keep running

MrsBungle · 13/05/2024 23:01

God no. Multiple children with multiple partners wouldn’t be for me.

SnoqualmieRiver · 13/05/2024 23:04

'5 children with 3 women'

Horrendous.

Five children being raised by feckless idiots.

Keep well away before you're the 4th idiot.

Dweetfidilove · 13/05/2024 23:04

StSwithinsDay · 13/05/2024 22:14

As a matter of interest would posters feel the same about a woman who has children with 3 different fathers?

Yup! I have no room in my life for multiple children and multiple exes. Have you seen how much hassle one extra person can cause?
And I’d be wondering if he’s irresponsible or just has poor judgement.

BingoMarieHeeler · 13/05/2024 23:05

Massive red flag and just overall cannot be arsed. If he’s as involved as you’d hope (can pretty much guarantee he’s not), then imagine the logistics!! Just no.

tara66 · 13/05/2024 23:06

It's like musical chairs. No, no, no!

Avatartar · 13/05/2024 23:13

Quick shag yes fine, but if you’re after a relationship he won’t have time for you if he’s a good hands on dad, he’s engaged elsewhere

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/05/2024 23:17

5YearsLeft · 13/05/2024 21:11

Everything red flags forever.

Youngest is 1 and he’s already dating.
He has all five of them every other weekend and age range 1 to 16? So that means he can make the oldest care for the youngest?
He’s either looking for baby mum number 4 because he knows how to make a baby but not how to work at a relationship, or he’s interviewing a housekeeper/nanny, though I suspect he’s using the oldest kids for this.

Either way, that’s four exes and eight kids between you. That’s not a family - that’s a show on Channel 4.

Edited

Youngest is one and he's already dating.

What wrong with that how would him staying single help the baby he only had every other weekend?

I have my one year old full time and I'm saying is that a red flag? If so when am I allowed to start?!