3 ‘baby mums’…. Instant red flag??

[Lilysienna1]

As the title says…. Would you continue talking with a man you’ve met (in person) if he told you he has 5 children with 3 women? (Youngest is a one year old, oldest is 16.)

From what he has said, the relationship he has with the mothers of his children is amicable, and he has all 5 of them (3 with 1 mum, then one each with the other 2) every other weekend and pays child support for all 5.

Bearing in mind, I have 3 children with my ex, so I feel like a hypocrite for even wondering if there is something just a bit off… that with 3 women things didn’t work out, that he has had the last 2 children fairly early into each relationship and that the youngest is only 1, and that relationship ended 6 months ago…. Red flag or second date…

Which is exactly what I’m saying.

Hit the nail on the head in the 2nd comment!

Well it’s not a red flag. Red flags to me are signs of abuse. Having kids by diff parents isn’t a red flag.

the way a situation such as this is handled is the indicator.

I know a lady with one child conceived from rape and the others conceived via two marriages. Her decision to keep the child conceived from rape is what led to marriage number 1 failing (id say that says a lot about her ex rather than the mother here) Marriage number 2 has been exceptional and her husband treats all kids like his own. She isn’t a red flag, in fact she’s an incredibly strong competent woman who has achieved a lot in spite of some pretty awful things and I’m not judging her on her children’s fathers.

I think Stacey, and perhaps the OPs man in question aren’t red flags but they certainly have different ways of living their lives and there’s things we don’t know about either of them. That way of life isn’t for me and many on here but that doesn’t necessarily make it a red flag or bad. In most cases it isn’t bad, Just different with a different set of trade offs.

I think you are right, every situation is different . This guy in particular sounds like a risk but he may not be? Just not for me, having raised four stepchildren it’s hard to negotiate with all the exes, etc.

🙄 of course they bloody would, and far worse things if she only saw them every other weekend and one of them was only a year old.

Agree. In my other posts I’ve said as much.

What would you need to say? Just no thanks, that sounds like more trouble than it's worth, but knock yourself out organising the cupboards on the way out.

It concerns me that he's not had a vasectomy. Clearly that'd rule out many eligible women (as women tend to want kids) and he's prioritising a wider dating pool over the fact that he already had 5 that he barely sees. He's clearly open to having even more kids if it'll ensnare him a girlfriend. Just grim behaviour.

Perhaps two different baby mums is unlucky, but three does begin to look like carelessness.

Hard no from me. It shows that he doesn't prioritise his existing children, which would put me off.

Probably on the look out for a new woman so he's got a 4x4. If you were to proceed dating this man I suggest watertight contraception or cross your legs.

3 exs, 8 kids between you red flags everywhere

In the VERY unlikely event that he is in fact paying child maintenance for his 5 children , I bet he cant wait to move in with a woman who has three kids so he can reduce his liability.

Run for the hills and don't look back.

You really think no one would have anything critical to say of SS if she had left her first two children with their dad, moved on to a new relationship, had two more children, then left them with their dad, moved on again, had another baby and left that baby when they were one and was now on dating sites? Because I think 'red flag' would be the very least that would be said about her.

I have 5 children with 3 men. I think I'm a fairly well rounded person, all children happy and healthy. Oldest is 30 (today ) and youngest is 9. As far as I know I don't have any red flags.
Personally I think if he has a good relationship with them all and financially takes care of them that that's good.

How many of yours didn't live with you and only saw you EOW?

Well it’s not a red flag. Red flags to me are signs of abuse. Having kids by diff parents isn’t a red flag.

Red flags don't necessarily just mean abuse. A red flag could be a person who hops from one relationship to another, having children and not being able to commit. He is not a proper father to any of these children. EOW (max 4 days a month) is not enough. How many mothers on here would be happy to leave their family and only see their children EOW? (I sometimes dream of it tbh, but not seriously 😂)

It's a red flag that this man tends not to stick around. Or if it was the women who finished the relationships then why? 3 women with children, it'd surely take something fairly serious to break up the family. Or maybe all the women are Mumsnet readers and took advice to LTB because he didn't want to go for a walk one Saturday afternoon!

Red flags are just causes for concern.

Thought Mick Jagger was currently on tour in the States 😁

As far as I know I don't have any red flags.

Someone having 5 kids to 3 men/women is a red flag in itself to many (not all) of us as you can see from this thread.

As pp said a red flag doesn’t just need to be about if someone is abusive.

It’s really something you notice that indicates a character trait or pattern of behaviour you find problematic or concerning.

In my case meeting someone with 5 kids from 3 people would tell me the person doesn't share my values and ideals about creating families and to be blunt isn’t as choosy as me regarding who they have kids with.

Their choices may be perfectly acceptable to them and they could be happy with their choices, and I’m not going to argue any different but to me - it’s a red flag and would be a major concern/issue .

So they’re not someone I’d invite in my life in any capacity beyond friendship.

Maybe he needs to do less dating and more childcare? Just a thought.

I am not going to sit there and criticise someone for having kids with multiple people as long as they ethier got there kids with them full time or have 50/50 custody or see them as much as they can.I will only be weary that he has a one year old and already looking have some sort of relationship with another woman.I personally wouldn't feel comfortable because he has got a one year old.

3 other women to consider plus 5 children? You have to ask? How many complications do you want? Find someone else.