3 ‘baby mums’…. Instant red flag??

[Lilysienna1]

As the title says…. Would you continue talking with a man you’ve met (in person) if he told you he has 5 children with 3 women? (Youngest is a one year old, oldest is 16.)

From what he has said, the relationship he has with the mothers of his children is amicable, and he has all 5 of them (3 with 1 mum, then one each with the other 2) every other weekend and pays child support for all 5.

Bearing in mind, I have 3 children with my ex, so I feel like a hypocrite for even wondering if there is something just a bit off… that with 3 women things didn’t work out, that he has had the last 2 children fairly early into each relationship and that the youngest is only 1, and that relationship ended 6 months ago…. Red flag or second date…

If he is financially and emotionally supporting them all then fine (I don’t mean paying a bit of child support and relying on the tax payer to foot the rest of the bill). I suspect that if he genuinely took responsibility for his children then he might be a bit better at using contraception.

For me just having 5 children would be a massive turn off but with 3 different women!!! NO NO NO

So if you get together with him it will be a blended "family" of 8 children and 4 mothers to 1 guy. Hell no.

Unless he's Mick Jagger or something with the funds to accommodate all of life's hassles but still. No

Sounds like you're dating my friend! He's a lovely lovely guy but just has terrible taste in women. Definitely has a 'type' - think anything fake/false. We've always said he just needs to find a nice woman. Is that you?!

My friend is amicable with all of the mums and he's great with his kids (albeit he's effectively a weekend dad)

You can't just automatically say 'red flag' but you have to wonder if it's his fault for being such a crap judge of genuine character or it's just red flags!!!

Unlucky?

How did they get pregnant??

Not a chance. Putting aside the fact that he clearly has a pattern of easily leaving relationships despite having brought children into them (which he seems likely to repeat), I would think of how this relationship would affect your children. They will be one of eight children with four different ex-partners floating in and out of their family life between the two of you. Blending a family is hard for any kid, but that situation would be extra challenging.

No I mean unlucky in the sense that his first wife was an addict and his second hand an equally serious disorder that was very sad but landed her in rehab. He was with the first one for ages and they had two children together, but over the years the more she drank the more violent she became. So in the end he left and the eldest child chose to go with him because home life was awful. Youngest spends most of his life with dad now too as mum is always out on benders. In that sense, he was unlucky in his choice of partner. Both children were very much wanted.

Similar with second partner, long term partner and they had a child together but she had battles and eating disorder for ages then as it got worse she became unable to look after herself or the baby. He, even now, takes the little one 150 miles every weekend to visit mum in the hospital where she has to stay for many months. Unfortunately when she's well again she throws his help back in his face and stops him seeing the child.

In that sense I meant he was unlucky, as are any of who choose a partner who we think has similar values and is stable then it turns out they're not. I'm sorry for my wording being confusing.

I would allow this one to happily breeze on by 👋🏻 it wouldn’t surprise me if this ‘amicable’ relationship with his exes is a lie and there is much more going on and most (all) of it isn’t pretty… like others have said, what time could you possibly have together with his 5 children and 3 exes to negotiate (not to mention your children and your ex as well) and after he’s paid all his CM I doubt he’d be able to afford to so much as a trip to the cinema. I would run a mile and let the line of exes and children give you all the information you need to make the sensible decision not to give this bloke another millisecond of your precious time.

I got that it was a joke 😉

No just a honest opinion.

Someone who is absent from their kids lives 300 days plus a year and does none of the donkey work or has none of the responsibility on a day to day basis /makes none of the sacrifices .....more like a babysitter really.

The fact he still sees his kids is a big plus for me and that his relationship with his exs is amicable is also a big plus.

My DH has 2 from his first marriage - contrary to court orders, he never saw his kids cos his ex was controlled by an AH of a new hubby but he longed to see then and finally had a relationship with them when his eldest hit 17yo.

In the intervening period, he had 2 relationships which ended in 2 more kids - he didn't see those kids again cos their DMs moved and did not keep in touch. He tried to find them but to no avail. He admitted he was stupid.

I married him. We have 2 DCs. We had a great marriage, he died in 2016 and I'm still not over it. I see my DSC and have a DSGC too.

I'd have a second date and see what happens. Def avoid pregnancy at all costs.

Gross

I'm surprised at all the hate here, it can happen just through a bit of a complicated journey through life, not just to red flags! I know someone (female) with three children from three men. She's a lovely mum, perfectly normal, no red flags. She got pregnant/had a baby young (15) kept the baby but the relationship didn't last. Married in her early twenties and had a baby with him. Was married just over ten years. Separated from him and has now been with new partner 3 years and has a newborn with him. Lots of people have been married twice by late 30s and if you throw in a teenage pregnancy it can bring co parenting numbers up to 3

If this was a woman would you all still be of the same opinion?

A woman paying 3 different dads child support for 5 kids that she sees on the weekends.

Feck no, I would not get involved in that mess.

Why do so many women think a man simply seeing his kids is a positive - surely it is the bare minimum.

"If this was a woman would you all still be of the same opinion?" If the circumstances were the same, yes. In particular, if she didn't have 50:50 care of 3 children from 3 different men, the youngest only 1, and was seeking a new relationship.

Yes.

@Greeneyegirl

It’s not hate, it’s just that we
are allowed to have our standards and preferences when dating. I’d happily sit down and have a drink with someone like that, or even employ them but I’m not having them in my life romantically or sharing a house/raising kids together and that’s OK.

It’s not a work opportunity or something where everyone needs to get an equal chance.

One of the best predictors of future behaviour is past behaviour so on that basis no I wouldn’t encourage any one I knew to date someone who has children by 3 different people. It also shows they think very differently about procreating and establishing families from me so we’d have conflicting values and principles. Each to their own though.

The youngest child is only a baby and the relationship ended when that baby was only 6 months old, this alone would be enough to make me stay away as things will still be volatile. Then factor in his other kids and your kids and it all sounds complicated and with potential for a lot of drama

Don’t be silly.

Bet he talks a good game, though.

A million times this. Never.

a fling, wouldn’t bother me if it was purely separate, no intention to move in together. Nothing serious just fun and we kept our respective children out of it. I don’t meet them and vice Versa.

if it was serious, a man paying child support for 5 kids plus extras that come with children would be a lot of his income going out. Meaning if the relationship did develop to moving in together I would have to support him significantly with his share of bills etc OR drop my lifestyle to meet his budget. No thanks.

also with him having all 5 every other weekend mean the same weekend or does he have some kids every weekend? You won’t have any free weekends with him. You’ll be fighting for attention.

onto the 5 kids with 3 women and the youngest only being 1. I’d want to know why he managed to have a somewhat successful relationship of several years before separation with the mother of his first 3 children and why that ended But then barely held it together with the last mother of his children and split before the child was a year old?
what went wrong? Is he one of those men that thinks a loving relationship comes from having a baby fast? Or thinks a baby will fix things if it starts to get rocky? If so that’s a big warning sign he’ll want to get you knocked up fast.

he could be a genuinely OK bloke - not abusive - with poor choices of partners (what would this say about yourself?) and questionable ideas around contraception (he should be first in line for a vasectomy!)

I personally would back away from this one and I’d tell him he needs to give his all his kids attention and not seek a relationship. but then I don’t date men with children. Especially men with babies. Ew.

My ex had a brother who had a load of women on the go, don't know what his appeal was but he seemed to be a magnet for females. He had a child with one of them, they had an on and off relationship for years. While this relationship was going through its endless dramas, he was seeing a married woman, a woman who lived down south and a woman who lived in the neighbouring city. All 3 of them got pregnant at around the same time!!! . None of them knew about each other, this was when social media was in its infancy and of course they all lived in different locations. Two did not go ahead with their pregnancies but one of them did. It was like a soap opera but sadly involving real people. Stay well away from men (and indeed women) who have complicated lives with a selection of exes and children

I wouldn’t find every other weekend a red flag though. Plenty of people don’t see 50/50 as being in the best interest of the children, preferring one secure home base. I think this is particularly true when the mother (or father, albeit less commonly) has been a stay at home parent / very part time, as it offers more continuity to the dc.