Would you date someone who was HIV positive?

[IAmThe1AndOnly]

My late BIL and his DP were/are both HIV positive. BIL died five years ago of an unrelated illness, and his DP has been moving forward with his life. TBH I haven’t really seen him since BIL died, but I do have him on FB.

So the other day he posted that he was gutted because he’d met someone he liked, and as soon as he told him about his HIV status the guy had blocked him.

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And the vitriol directed towards this bloke had to be seen to be believed. Everything from calling him all manner of names, to saying he was a bigot, discriminatory, how dare anyone refuse to go out with someone who is HIV positive. Don’t they know that it’s not a death sentence any more? And so on.

I do agree that blocking him seems a bit harsh. After all why not just say that he didn’t want to date someone with HIV.

But doesn’t not wanting to date someone HIV positive just sit within “you can choose not to date someone for any reason you like,” including people with kids for instance?

I didn’t dare add my comment or I have no doubt they would have turned on me as well.

But is it wrong to feel that way?

I wouldn’t.

Im sorry your BIL does. His DP does have a right to move on but he is going to find it difficult because the right thing to do is disclose his status and it’s going to put a lot of people off.

No I wouldn’t.

as an older heterosexual woman i'm not at all in the loop as to the stigma with hiv amongst same sex younger couples.
but should i become widowed i would not.

I think 10 years ago I wouldn't have done but things have come on so, so much. There's so much that can be done in terms of treatments which means numbers can become so low that transmission doesn't happen. I think I would now but it would depend on the person.

Not in a million years.

No I wouldn't either.

I read something on here once that stuck with me - when it comes to dating you can be as judgemental as you like.

I’m not sure how I’d feel about it personally. Advances in medicine now mean as long as your partner complied with treatment you’d be very unlikely to catch it yourself, and it absolutely isn’t the death sentence it used to be.

But I think any individual is absolutely within their rights not to have a relationship with someone for whatever reason they deem relevant.

So the other day he posted that he was gutted because he’d met someone he liked, and as soon as he told him about his HIV status the guy had blocked him. so had they met? And dated a few times? If so yes I'd probably block if I'm honest. It's something that needs to be bought up on the first date or before if you're chatting online for ages first.

I would never date someone with an incurable transmissionable disease.

My health is something I wouldn’t want to gamble with over a relationship when I could find someone else.

I wonder if it was partly the fact that he just blocked your BIL, rather than saying sorry, that’s not something I’m comfortable with?

Basically, once he found out BIL was HIV positive then he couldn’t bring himself to talk to him anymore/didn’t think he was worth talking to anymore? That would have made me angry too.

No I wouldn’t date someone with HIV.

Had the people you’re talking about properly met, or only online? I’d be pissed off if I’d gone to the effort of meeting someone off the internet in person when they should have been honest from the start of contact.

Anyone can have their red lines for prospective partners and they are entitled to have those - one of the reasons why people on dating apps very often specify things like not wanting to date someone with children.

My red line is smoking, can’t stand it, so I wouldn’t date a smoker. I would date someone who was HIV+ as avoiding transmission is much more straightforward than it ever has been before, plus the advent of PReP etc. But one of my best friends dated an HIV+ partner so maybe it’s a world I know a bit more about in terms of the real versus perceived risks.

But I wouldn’t jump on someone for standing by their own red lines. We are all entitled to make choices about our intimate relationships.

@IAmThe1AndOnly

Sorry even though i know its not an automatic death sentence nowadays unlike the way it used to be,

I have low immune system allready through my athritis health disorders and medication and the possibility of contracting potentially HIV status is a risk a bit too far

Sorry your family experinced this kind of loss and his breaved partner is experincing so vitriol prejuice nastiness
I thought cause HIV staus cause its not an automatic life sentence no more that prejuice had to a certain extant evaporated dispeared with it too...

Obviously its classed as a hate crime nastiness vitriol prejuice as that...

No, I wouldn't.

People often are scared of what they don't understand. He's not wrong when he says HIV is no liver a death sentence, with the correct treatment the viral load can be so low that it's almost undetectable the risk is very low.

But

I am municipalised and over the last ten years it's had quite an effect of me. I get sick really easily. So now I can't bring myself to kiss somebody if I know they have a false tooth or dentures or a visible filling. Not even on the cheek. I can't eat left over food, even if I've cooked it and Its been stored in my own fridge and I know It's reheated safely and to the correct temperature. I seriously doubt I could kiss somebody with HIV, let alone enter into a long term intimate relationship with them and that's with me understanding about the treatments coming in so much.

Ultimately we are allowed to make our own choices. I don't want to have sex with somebody with athletes foot, herpes or HIV or Ebola or Covid. Etc. and that's ok.

I want to say 'yes, I would' but I don't think I could, no

Well.im married so have no interest in dating anyone
But treatment for HIV has come on in leaps and bounds since the days of the tombstone posters
I beleive as long as people keep taking the medication it can remain undetectable and untransmissable
There's a very interesting poster ,who has HIv and has started a few threads about it .

Nope

Absolutely never.

It was impolite of the other man not to reply and go straight to block, but there seems to be such a sense of entitlement these days when it comes to dating. A person can refuse to date someone for any reason at all.

I agree with this . Quite honestly I think I’d be more concerned about hepatitis than I would HIV .

Husband and I remember the tombstone adverts that were on the tv when we were kids. You can rationalise it how you want but those adverts put the fear of god in us. Things have moved on and I think it would depend on many factors that I might not ever be able to logically explain to anyone.

But what other responses would there be to that FB post? He's upset about a situation that's pretty difficult to take (being blocked by someone you're invested in) over something he cant control (his status). You'd hardly expect comments telling him it's what he deserves or that he should cheer up as its a justifiable reaction. It would have been supremely insensitive for you to post the comment you wanted to.

I wonder how many of his friends supporting him are in relationships so the question is
pure hypothetical, so they can afford to
be outraged on his behalf?

No I wouldn't. But they have both dealt with this situation badly.

Blocking him is very harsh and hurtful. He should have at least said "I'm afraid that's a deal breaker for me" or similar rather than just blocking.

That said, I wouldn't enter into a relationship with someone who already had long term health issues. My choice but I know that upsets some people. It's different if these thing happen once in the relationship but I would avoid it at the outset.