Would you date someone who was HIV positive?

[IAmThe1AndOnly]

My late BIL and his DP were/are both HIV positive. BIL died five years ago of an unrelated illness, and his DP has been moving forward with his life. TBH I haven’t really seen him since BIL died, but I do have him on FB.

So the other day he posted that he was gutted because he’d met someone he liked, and as soon as he told him about his HIV status the guy had blocked him.

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And the vitriol directed towards this bloke had to be seen to be believed. Everything from calling him all manner of names, to saying he was a bigot, discriminatory, how dare anyone refuse to go out with someone who is HIV positive. Don’t they know that it’s not a death sentence any more? And so on.

I do agree that blocking him seems a bit harsh. After all why not just say that he didn’t want to date someone with HIV.

But doesn’t not wanting to date someone HIV positive just sit within “you can choose not to date someone for any reason you like,” including people with kids for instance?

I didn’t dare add my comment or I have no doubt they would have turned on me as well.

But is it wrong to feel that way?

I would. There's a lot of misunderstanding of HIV nowadays. Many (most?) people with HIV have an undetectable viral load thanks to the modern medications they take, and the partner can be on Prep as well. It is not possible to transmit the virus with an undetectable viral load! HIV is a manageable, chronic condition now; it's nothing like jt was in the 80s and 90s. Most people don't realise this.

@IAmThe1AndOnly
dating someone with HIV status would be something 🤔 i think i would have to turn down,

On reflection i would have to look into properly the Hiv risks and relvant research papers first and weigh up the odds risks...

Also you haven't heard the other side of the story. For all you know he got nasty when rejected so got blocked

I'm afraid I wouldn't. I'm a straight woman, so it's not something I've ever come across, I'm assuming in the gay community it may be more of a thing to think about. But I totally admire your brother for being honest and open about it.

If would be quite a tough decision, but, unfortunately, it would probably change the way I felt.

I'm sorry for your friend, noone should get that abuse especially if the abuser doesn't know the circumstances.

No I wouldn’t, I know medicine has moved on and that now it can be non transmissible but I wouldn’t want to take that risk with my health.

No absolutely not.

I wouldn't say never, if I got to know someone as a friend and then really liked them I probably would, but if I knew from the start I'd probably say no as it would be extra bother. Same as lots of things in online dating, you screen out a lot of people for things that perhaps wouldn't matter that much if you already liked them.

Ultimately it's an individual choice. I would keep it to myself though. I wouldn't write on Facebook that I'd never date someone with x y and z simply because it's going to be hurtful to people who really don't need that information.

I would have no issue with it. With today's meds you can live a very normal life and have zero chance of passing it on to a partner.
I have friends who live with it. One has had two kids with a partner, both kids and him are negative.

But I completely understand if anyone doesn't want a partner with the virus. It's a lot to take in.

Yes
Modern treatments prevent it being passed on and no longer is it a death sentence for the infected person

Its obviously a valid choice to say no and shows how we are still so far behind with factual information being deseminated

Depending on how they caught it (as our lifestyle choices may not be compatible) yes.

It isn't a death sentence at all now, I'd expect my partner to have a normal lifespan and me not to be at risk.

Some people do not appear to have moved on from the 90s.

I would. I'd just ask them to use condoms

No, I wouldn’t. I just couldn’t put myself at risk like that.

What happened in the 90’s ?

I'm really sorry for the person in this situation but if I'm honest it would put me off.
I'm in my 50s and I know it's a very different situation now to when I was in school in the 1980s and tbf as a heterosexual middle aged woman the chances of this scenario arising is pretty slim.
The gay community maybe more accepting/ knowledgeable but I think its understandable that it will put some potential partners off.

No they felt guilty telling him so blocked him instead. It is the cowards way out but that said, whilst I'm fully aware it's completely treatable and no longer a death sentence, as a partner your completely reliant on that person keeping up with meds. Personally I'm terrible at remembering medication so if they were too and passed it to me, it would litterally change my entire life. My life would depend on me taking that medication and I'd become neurotic over it. So Personally I would walk away, which is so sad because in reality any of us tomorrow could become him and this upsetting reaction may sadly result in him not divulging in the end, in the beginning at least, or ever his condition

No I wouldn't

If I had a friendship that slowly blossomed into love and the person was hiv positive, I would go talk to my doctor and see what the risk would be with my particular health situation.

just meeting and going on a date, no. The odds of this person being the one are low to begin with. It’s not worth the risk.

No I wouldn't. I know some people can have a viral load that's undetectable but I still wouldn't.

I would ask more questions first, but I wouldn't be totally against the idea.

I can't believe that people think this should be brought up on a first date though, that could be dangerous, and nobody else would be expected to divulge all their personal medical information on a first date. This is something that needs to be brought up when sex is on the cards.

I am married to someone who is HIV+. DH is a haemophiliac who was told he was HIV+ when he was 11, and also diagnosed with hepatitis C when he was 13. Both were due to infected blood.

He told me on our first date. I took some time to think about it and spoke to a doctor who explained the actual issues rather than the tombstone ads. This was before combination therapy. DH started combination therapy that summer and it has worked. The Hep C was cured about 10 years ago. While he obviously still has health issues these are due to the haemophilia and arthritis caused by joint bleeds.

We have been married for nearly 30 years and have two children. The children and I are negative. I test annually but more from habit and for reassurance than anything else, as DH has had an undetectable viral load for a long time.

I assume it was because it was seen as a death sentence in the 90,s those of us of a certain age will remember the Don't die of ignorance ,Tomb stone adverts ,which put the fear of God into a generation of people
And it's stuck in people's. Minds ,it's hard to understand that it's a far more manageable condition these days .

What happened in the 90’s ?

Many people (predominantly gay men) died of AIDS in the 80s and 90s. It was a death sentence back then. The poster means that people do not seem to realize that HIV is now a chronic lifelong condition, it's very, very rare to die of AIDS now in the UK.

OP I'm quite surprised this happened to your relative as a gay man. I'd be more likely to expect this reaction to HIV from straight people.

Fair enough I was only a baby-young child in the 90’s 😅 maybe some postman pat, rainbow and Sooty and sweep on my tv 😂 moving upto wizadora and such.

A close friend is HIV positive. He doesn't tell many people because the stigma is still very much there. His partner of course knows.

They have been very open with me about medication and treatment, and based upon what I now know, it wouldn't be an issue for me provided the person was rigorous about taking their medication. If I didn't know what I now know it would frighten me though.

That said, I am happily married, and DH is irreplaceable to me, so I'm unlikely to be looking for a partner.