Would you date someone who was HIV positive?

[IAmThe1AndOnly]

My late BIL and his DP were/are both HIV positive. BIL died five years ago of an unrelated illness, and his DP has been moving forward with his life. TBH I haven’t really seen him since BIL died, but I do have him on FB.

So the other day he posted that he was gutted because he’d met someone he liked, and as soon as he told him about his HIV status the guy had blocked him.

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And the vitriol directed towards this bloke had to be seen to be believed. Everything from calling him all manner of names, to saying he was a bigot, discriminatory, how dare anyone refuse to go out with someone who is HIV positive. Don’t they know that it’s not a death sentence any more? And so on.

I do agree that blocking him seems a bit harsh. After all why not just say that he didn’t want to date someone with HIV.

But doesn’t not wanting to date someone HIV positive just sit within “you can choose not to date someone for any reason you like,” including people with kids for instance?

I didn’t dare add my comment or I have no doubt they would have turned on me as well.

But is it wrong to feel that way?

I would. U=U

The rise in heterosexual woman is partially because more women have unprotected anal sex than before

I wouldn’t choose anyone with a long term health condition. It isn’t for me.

Absolutely not. I don’t care that you can Medicare and suppress the viral load. I am not putting my health and life into the responsibility of somebody who clearly didn’t even value his own health enough to take steps to protect himself from this in the first place.

No I wouldn't, the way the NHS is going you'd have to be stupid to trust the drugs will always be available at all, let alone free.

(I have a long term disability. I'm not surprised or offended that I'm undateable.)

Did you not read the post upthread about the person infected due to haemophilia. Your post is absolutely offensive .

Goodness what a depressing thread with, although some informed knowledge, the majority being quite negative with some blunt and at times judgemental responses, making assumptions and showing a lack of knowledge about how things have progressed over the years – maybe refusing to believe how things have changed. I get that this takes time to change, but bloody hell it’s tough!
Unsurprising that stigma is still such a thing which is a preventative to ending new cases of HIV by 2030. It stops people testing just in case they might have it due to the judgement they might face. Or if diagnosed, in the words of my nurse they “run for the hills” and go into denial as they can’t face the perceived reaction from friends and family. Mental health issues can be higher in people with HIV due to this.

Some factual information to those thinking HIV is a gay disease – there are more women worldwide living with HIV than men, with women being approximately one third of all HIV diagnoses in the UK. Here there are now more heterosexual diagnoses than in gay and bisexual men. https://www.tht.org.uk/news/heterosexual-hiv-diagnoses-overtake-those-gay-men-first-time-decade#:~:text=For%20the%20first%20time%20in,in%20gay%20and%20bisexual%20men.

Having been diagnosed with HIV about 7 years ago this is my perspective as regards dating:
I know I have HIV which is well controlled. I also know that from less than 1 month after starting my medication (now 1 pill a day, no side effects) that my viral load was undetectable and has continued to be so low I am literally unable to pass it on to any sexual partner. I don’t expect anything to change even if I miss the odd pill or take it late. There will still be zero risk. It’s not like my viral load is suddenly going to rise sky high, that is not the way it works. We have studies going back over 25 years where U=U has been proven - source: https://i-base.info/htb/32308
Due to regular clinic appointments (twice a year) and health MOTs I am well looked after and maybe healthier than some of my friends. I have one who has more issues controlling her high blood pressure with medication.

Dating can be tough regardless of having HIV. In any new relationship, if it’s going to go anywhere, for sure trust is important. This includes trust that for example someone is not going to cheat, or doesn’t have a secret addiction. I have dated a few men now and being older have found that the majority have some form of health condition which is usual as we approach our vintage years (I see myself aging like a fine wine ☺️). These have included diabetes, high blood pressure, epilepsy and needing to use Viagra. We all of us share what we are comfortable in sharing as we get to know someone, much as I would share that I am living with HIV if I liked the person and wanted things to progress further. In any relationship I would expect a partner to take care of their health including taking any prescribed medication, just as I would think they’d expect the same from me. I would not want to date someone who is judgemental without knowing the facts, much as I would try to learn more about any health condition that they have.

If anyone has ever tried OKCupid when doing online dating, there is a question “would you date someone with HIV? The tick box responses are Yes, No and Maybe. One of the best responses I saw was a No box ticked with “Maybe I should learn more”.

We can often fear what we don’t understand. Many of us can be entrenched in the past and the tombstone ads and it can be difficult to change the mindset of how things have moved on with effective well tolerated medication in the UK.

I wonder how many people responding actually know anyone living with HIV, married to someone who does not have HIV and has children.
If by any chance anyone reading is going to Chelsea Flower Show next week, come and say hi at the “Bridge to 2030” garden. There will be volunteers there, some living with HIV including myself on one of the days https://www.tht.org.uk/news/bridge-2030-garden-announced-rhs-chelsea-flower-show-2024

I think a lot of people, including me, are still left with the hangover of those terrifying adverts in the 1980s. They put the fear of god into you. I understand all the medicine advancements and what that means in terms of transmission but I still would struggle to get past it.

People are allowed to draw their own boundaries as to who they will date. I have quite a few, and I'm sure I'm outside other people's on occasion. It is what it is.

The blocking was harsh though, unless the person really felt the disclosure was too late for them so trust issues. I wouldn't have blocked but would have declined to date further. And then not been terribly surprised if the other person had blocked if they were upset.

But no one is owed a relationship.

I’ll just go tell my partner he should’ve protected his health better when he was infected age 6 via his IV medication for his condition…

I think the answers on a forum like this, which is mostly used by women (and where users are men, they're usually straight men) are not really going to reflect the consensus among gay men of your BIL's DP's age on this subject.

HIV has a very different place in the lives of gay men, especially gay men who were dating in the 80s and 90s. There's a much, much, MUCH higher prevalence of HIV in that community and generally far less judgement about it, far more understanding of what living with HIV entails and better educated about what the level of risk is to partners, what the prognosis is etc.

A lot of older gay men saw friends abandoned by partners and family to die alone from AIDS when they were younger, and remember how awful the stigma of it was, and are therefore particularly angered by signs of that attitude still surfacing today.

Basically, what I'm saying is that being dumped and blocked by someone for having HIV would be seen as a lot less normal/acceptable in your BIL's DP's circles than it would be for the average straight woman.

Of course anyone is allowed to dump a partner for any reason, nobody's obliged to date anyone if they're not comfortable, or even give them an explanation for dumping them. Everyone has the right to make their own choices. But other people are also allowed to think those choices are a sign that they're a twat.

For example, there was someone on here who was dating a new partner who announced that he saw and heard 'spirits' who spoke to him all the time, and my advice to her was to end the relationship - but I'm sure there are plenty of people who thought that dumping someone for having a serious mental illness would make me a complete arsehole, and they're entitled to hold that view.

Your ignorance is offensive. Educate yourself.

sorry I worded that wrong. I meant “I second all the other posters opinions who also wouldn’t go for it but have phrased it better”. I still wouldn’t consider it.

Probably the most helpful and educational post on here. Very interesting thank you

It's not exactly ideal but love is weird so who knows

But surely you use condoms?

Has no condom ever still created a pregnancy… I’d rather risk a pregnancy than hiv and condoms can still give you babies so I wouldn’t trust one against hiv.

But then that’s the case with any Sti. Treatment is so good for hiv these days it really doesn’t bother me. But I can see a lot of people still don’t understand it. Also why would someone who is knowingly hiv+ and enough so that they tell you, going to lie and not take the medication? As another poster said, it’s basically undetectable very quickly.

Its totally true that if the meds are taken it's untransmissable and not a death sentence as it was in the 80s/early nineties.

But people are still allowed to have a hard no, in the same way I would to Tory voters, militant vegans, biological women, Birmingham City fans, non binary people fanatical.anti smokers etc.

And they can call no on me any time.

@hivpos can I ask whether the potential for drug resistance ever concerns you? The fact that viral load is monitored at regular intervals for a persons whole life makes me consider whether there is the potential for drugs to lose their effectiveness, as we see with antibiotic resistance for example. Who knows what may happen when people have been on these drugs for 40+ years.

I would never date someone with an incurable transmissionable disease.

There are many, many people living with HIV now with fantastic medication that means they cannot infect others. Their status is: Undetectable Viral load. So it cannot be passed on by bodily fluids. A lot of people dont know that because of medical advances, a HIV+ person can have unprotected sex with no risk of infecting a partner.

But of course I fully understand many people would still not want to, even with that knowledge.

I would yes, if they had an undetectable viral load.

I have a great friend in an almost identical situation. Her brother was a haemophiliac who died of Hep C and she met her husband when they both volunteered for a haemophiliac charity. They've been together many years and have children together. His Hep C was cured about the same time as your husband's. His viral load is undetectable now though he nearly died of AIDS twice before they met, having been infected via a blood transfusion as a young child.

They are the happiest couple I know, they have a superbly mature and healthy relationship, and they are still very very much in love. They are grateful for every day together. They restore my (somewhat jaded) faith in relationships.

They've been heavily involved in the Infected Blood Inquiry and the prior campaign to get it to happen. His evidence was incredibly moving.

I just wanted to wish you and your family all the best 🙂

Good question - no it doesn’t concern me. Resistance to HIV meds can develop if someone isn’t adherent to their HIV meds. Like the majority of people in the U.K. with HIV I have always taken my meds daily, with the knowledge that missing the odd one won’t cause any problems. Any dormant virus does not have the chance to mutate and become resistant to the pill I take every day.

it’s when, for example, someone stops and starts the meds that resistance might develop. When first diagnosed we have tests done to check for any resistance to the many medications we have nowadays. We’re also asked about our lifestyle when deciding which combination to take. So for example, someone who has a more chaotic lifestyle, does shift work or flies/works on planes or might be forgetful, they might be prescribed medication with a long half life. I remember a few years ago somebody stopping their medication (called efavirenz) under guidance from their clinic and still had an undetectable viral load a month later.

Some of the meds prescribed in the early days were not as well tolerated which might have caused people to not take them regularly, and this resulted in resistance.. Nowadays we have so many different combinations plus now we have injectables, administered every 2 months.

I was leery about hiv until I watched an interview on breakfast TV of all places with someone explaining about viral loads and medication. I never knew the viral load could become undetectable so couldn't be passed on.