Would you date someone who was HIV positive?

[IAmThe1AndOnly]

My late BIL and his DP were/are both HIV positive. BIL died five years ago of an unrelated illness, and his DP has been moving forward with his life. TBH I haven’t really seen him since BIL died, but I do have him on FB.

So the other day he posted that he was gutted because he’d met someone he liked, and as soon as he told him about his HIV status the guy had blocked him.

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And the vitriol directed towards this bloke had to be seen to be believed. Everything from calling him all manner of names, to saying he was a bigot, discriminatory, how dare anyone refuse to go out with someone who is HIV positive. Don’t they know that it’s not a death sentence any more? And so on.

I do agree that blocking him seems a bit harsh. After all why not just say that he didn’t want to date someone with HIV.

But doesn’t not wanting to date someone HIV positive just sit within “you can choose not to date someone for any reason you like,” including people with kids for instance?

I didn’t dare add my comment or I have no doubt they would have turned on me as well.

But is it wrong to feel that way?

I spent several years working with HIV/AIDS, so yes I would consider it.
I think most people truly do not understand how far medicine has come unfortunately.
However it would be important to spend lots of time getting to know the person, to be as sure as possible that they are managing it properly.

It’s important to remember you’re allowed to set the mark for dating wherever you want - for example I wouldn’t date someone with DC (my are plenty!) and also wouldn’t start to date someone who had long term health problems.

That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t want DC with that person or that I’d leave someone if they got ill - of course I wouldn’t.
But when it comes to new relationships, set whichever boundaries you want.

There’s ways and means of delivering a message

I think that’s more the point than. The actual rejection itself

This. It is very sad there is still so much ignorance and fear.

My partner is also HIV+ and a haemophiliac. We have 3 dc and myself and the dc are all HIV-

It’s one thing choosing not to date someone who is positive but let me tell you you can’t help who you fall in love with.

He is the love of my life and it’s actually quite shocking to me some of the responses on here. So ignorant. My DP is in rude health and has a normal life expectancy. His viral load is undetectable and so the chances of him passing it to me are zero. Yes zero. See this nhs data:
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/hiv-and-aids/#:~:text=For%20people%20with%20HIV%2C%20if,untransmittable%20(U%3DU).

Hello @changingnameforpersonalstuff
I hope next Monday brings some closure to us all and that the truth will finally be heard.

It isn't an issue as DP is negative, but if I were dating no, I would not date someone with HIV.
I wouldn't ghost or block them, but I wouldn't pursue anything more.

Just because OP asked , and people are responding “honestly” doesn’t make it ok.
how would you feel if someone started a thread “would you date someone with ‘x’ disability ” ? Or “would you date someone of ‘y’ race” or “from ‘z’ country”?
and people started (“honestly”) replying “absolutely no!”
Would you be ok with that?

I’m not the thread police. people can, of course, ask and answer as they please, and I can call it out for what it is- disgusting and harmful (and ignorant); a product of deep seated prejudice and the very same attitudes that drive the spread of HIV .

Absolutely not, regardless of risk level. I wouldn't date anyone with any type of transmissable, long-term disease.

No discrimination at all, just not a risk I would personally take.

If the medications that seek to prevent transmission worked 100%, the diseases wouldn’t be claiming new patients. People fail to take meds perfectly. Medication doesn’t always work the same for every individual.

You don’t forget watching someone waste away from aids. It’s not irrational to want to be careful about catching hiv.

How does not wanting to date someone who has HIV drive the spread?

My sister has it and takes all the medications, yes she'll hopefully live a long life but the side effects and effort involved are hard.

The main reason HIV is still spreading is because there are lots of people who have it, but don't know they have it.

www.tht.org.uk/hiv/about-hiv/hiv-statistics

AIDS was first recognised in America in1981 but it wasn't until around 1984 that people in the UK really became aware of it. A very famous film star called Rock Hudson died of it and that brought the disease into the public domain. So, from the mid eighties there were billboard adverts saying things like "it only takes one prick" and there was a terrifying one with a tombstone on it. I don't remember the ad campaigns of the 90's but I guess they spilled over from the 80's.

No
But also other thread saying privatise nhs.
So anyone with hiv would i assume have expensive meds. As would their partner possibly.

My partner is haemophiliac- he went to treloars. I hear you. X

insisting (as a complete hypothetical and in the abstract) proudly and openly that you would never date anyone who is HIV positive, is expressing and reinforcing stigma and fear surrounding HIV . it is this stigma and fear thats stops people having honest and open conversations about hiv- it keeps people from getting tested , incentivises denial, creates barriers to access to medication that prevents transmission, makes people fearful of becoming aware of their own status and of disclosing this to others, etc etc etc.

Of topic but it’s funny the adds/posters etc we remember isn’t it. I remember all the dancing hedgehog road safety campaigns, the posters in school near fireworks night with disfigured faces.

Presumably because if people dare admit they won’t date someone with HIV then people with HIV are failing to disclose, and thus the point is proven that it is something to be taken into account.

Surely that’s an own goal though and technically adds to any stigma that those with hiv are not to be trusted to protect others by making sure they don’t spread it.

Physically speaking, women are much more at risk than men to getting HIV via heterosexual sex because it's transmitted via fluids.

I grew up in a place and an era that the "AIDS epidemic" left a very deep mark on. The resulting sex ed classes at school meant to help us, and surely did save lives, but gave my generation some pretty extreme health anxiety around sex.
The message boiled down to "If you have sex without a condom even once you'll die." I wish I was exaggerating. It's hard to shake that though.

Would you be ok with that?

I would be ok with that. It’s how real people think in the real world.

I probably wouldn’t take the risk… see also genital warts and genital herpes, latent TB, and any other host of treatable but incurable diseases.

For your other straw man examples… It would depend. I’d be hard pressed to date someone with clinical depression or someone from a regime-like country or a different religion from me.

And you don’t get to play the card “well that’s why people lie about their HIV status and it spreads”. That’s the decision of the person to withhold that information and they are the ones spreading it.

It’s not necessarily about prejudice though is it?
I would not be comfortable with my ongoing good health being someone else’s responsibility. Someone who I was dating / in a relationship with.
Relying on another person complying with their medication day in and day out, without fail so that I didnt contract an incurable virus would make me feel uneasy. I’d constantly be asking about whether medication had been taken, how viral load was doing etc etc. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us.

"And you don’t get to play the card “well that’s why people lie about their HIV status and it spreads”. That’s the decision of the person to withhold that information and they are the ones spreading it."

It's not that people necessarily lie. They deliberately don't find out so they don't have to lie. Most people only do hiv tests in pregnancy - there isn't any other routine testing so an awful lot of people won't know.

Remember threads where men are told if they really don’t want a baby to take their own precautions and not rely on the womens birth control…

How is this any different, your relying on the other person to protect you, only it’s not a baby that might be the outcome it’s hiv.

Our bodies aren't an equal opportunities employer. We are allowed to reject anyone for any reason at all, for big or for very small reasons.
This needs to be drummed in to all children at schools because the opposite is "entitlement" to another's body.
To answer your question possibly but I couldn't really say it would depend on the person.
I'm in my fifties and was also brought up with the terrifying adverts and knew people that died and yes I know it's very different now.