Would you date someone who was HIV positive?

[IAmThe1AndOnly]

My late BIL and his DP were/are both HIV positive. BIL died five years ago of an unrelated illness, and his DP has been moving forward with his life. TBH I haven’t really seen him since BIL died, but I do have him on FB.

So the other day he posted that he was gutted because he’d met someone he liked, and as soon as he told him about his HIV status the guy had blocked him.

i
a
a
And the vitriol directed towards this bloke had to be seen to be believed. Everything from calling him all manner of names, to saying he was a bigot, discriminatory, how dare anyone refuse to go out with someone who is HIV positive. Don’t they know that it’s not a death sentence any more? And so on.

I do agree that blocking him seems a bit harsh. After all why not just say that he didn’t want to date someone with HIV.

But doesn’t not wanting to date someone HIV positive just sit within “you can choose not to date someone for any reason you like,” including people with kids for instance?

I didn’t dare add my comment or I have no doubt they would have turned on me as well.

But is it wrong to feel that way?

I wouldn't and that's my choice. I know it's not a death sentence now but it's life limiting due to the medication if it's passed on.

Yes, I would. If they're getting treatment, then there's zero chance of catching the virus.

And yes, of course you can choose not to date someone for whatever reason you want. But anyone who says they wouldn't in a million years date someone HIV positive is an extremely ignorant and prejudiced person in my opinion.

Never

Gobsmacked by some of these answers.

There's a lot of people still living in the dark ages. Treatment, transmission etc. have advanced so much in the last 20 years. The chances of you catching it are tiny. It's very much a controllable disease.

There's not much point asking a bunch of mostly middle-aged women if they'd date someone HIV positive, when a) they are not gay men and b) most of them were not old enough to have known their entire friendship group be wiped out by AIDS. Gay men of other eras have different memories, and if they have survived their lives without becoming positive don't want to risk becoming positive for some random date - I'm sure if they fell in love it would be different.

It is generally harder for women to pick up HIV and our experience is totally different to that of an older gay male wanting to date another man.

I understand the risk is tiny, I still wouldn’t take the chance for someone I’ve only swopped a few text messages with.

It would be different if meeting and falling for someone the old fashioned way.

I wouldn't, but I also wouldn't block someone after finding out.

Thank you very much @clarepetal - fingers crossed! We've been comparatively lucky in that family and select friends know and everyone has been totally cool with it. Lots of questions obviously but no stigma.

It is really enlightening to see how much stigma is still out there.

I'm not sure why you think that's such a zinger. You cared enough to make your first post without prompting. You clearly do care in some capacity.

I think it’s really disgusting the number of people proudly declaring on this thread “no I wouldn’t date a person who has HIV”. Just shows how deeply entrenched, alive and well HIV stigma is. Ultimately it’s this very stigma - and the flagrant, unashamed, open expression of it- that facilitates the spread of HIV, and makes the lives of people living with HIV so much harder, so well done all of you 😡.

Ultimately, who you choose to date is a personal choice and entirely up to you, of course. You are free to reject someone because they are ugly, fat, their health status, they have a disability, you don’t care for their race, or any other reason you choose. But often in real life, who we choose to date is determined by our heart and not our prejudices- ableism, racism, or anything else. So how about keeping quiet about your prejudices; recognise them for what they are, and keep in mind that in reality to you might be more open minded than you think, if you found you fell in love with the person.

Blocking someone because they tell you they are HIV positive is also nasty as hell behaviour. Just a “no thanks I don’t think we are the right match and I wish you well” should suffice.

rant over 😅

It depends on how I liked them. It’s easy to say no- but if I imagine meeting dh again and he had disclosed it it wouldn’t have been a dealbreaker. I really liked him from the outset, and I can honestly say I’d have listened to the facts and tried to work through it.
I guess my answer is- casual maybe, it would put me off.
If I really liked someone though, I’d be open.

You dont have to date anyone you don't want to to
But I thought people with HIV had a more or less normal life span these days ?

No I wouldn't. I am aware of the advances in medicine but the answer is still no.

I mean I wouldn’t date someone with herpes either. As I said any disease that’s transmissible would be a no from me.

Have you ever been on a coldsore/herpes thread? Similar ratio of people who wouldn't consider dating someone who disclosed that they had herpes (either type).

EDIT: SORRY! This was in reply to the post below yours.

It would make me feel anxious.

I don’t know if it can be suppressed nowadays to the extent that it’s unlikely to transmit, but I would also want to be able to have unprotected sex (I suppose if you really liked someone this is a sacrifice you could make). But would still worry. Likewise cuts etc.

I’m already a hyperchondriac and bad enough about inconsequential hygiene, it would just add a layer of stress that would make life feel more difficult and complicated. Again though, if it’s someone you were sure you liked a lot, perhaps it’s something you could accept.

I guess it feels like a whole load of extra stuff to worry about.

I’m sure people’s experiences and what they absorbed in the 80s / 90s when there was a huge stigma play a part here (including for me). It just instantly sets me on alert.

I think ultimately it’s ok to feel a serious health concern is a dealbreaker, although I appreciate how disappointing this must be for the guy who lives with it. There was also no need to block him. Although it sounds like in the circles they mix in he might have expected censure?

It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me - especially if I really liked the person and felt it was going somewhere - as others have said I'd appreciate the honesty and I understand the treatments etc now.

I'm a bit shocked by this thread - the hostility and also the idea that it's still a 'gay man' thing - as a woman who grew up in the 'smart girls carry condoms' era I know it's not a gay disease

It isn't transmissible with medication apparently.

I wouldn't even though my son has told me about advances in treatment.
I also don't drink alcohol and exercise daily.
I've had health issues when I was much younger so I'm risk averse now.

I would, with the medication it’s no different to any other life-long condition now, and HIV life spans are the same as someone without it.

But I’m younger and never had the ads of doom, when I started properly dating PrEP was already a thing, so HIV just doesn’t worry me at all now. There doesn’t need to be a stigma anymore.

Absolutely not. But I also wouldn't date someone with herpes.

And I'm not relying on taking medication daily to prevent myself catching a disease for the rest of my life.

Absolutely not!

And it’s even more not able to be passed on by avoiding putting myself in a situation where the someone accidentally forgets their meds, or there is a stock shortage etc of them.

If it was cured cured people wouldn’t still be catching it today.

I mean I wouldn’t date someone with herpes either. As I said any disease that’s transmissible would be a no from me.

I think most people would be stunned at the prevalence of genital herpes in the population. I'm a midwife and it comes up extremely frequently in medical histories. I suspect a lot of people who say they wouldn't date someone with it, actually have!

So how about keeping quiet about your prejudices
@tandora the whole point of the thread was the op asking if people would date someone who was hiv positive. Posters have answered the question honestly and are allowed to say no.