To not want to go to my brothers graduation ceremony?

[Whitelilacs]

My brother is a bit of a perpetual student but this graduation means a lot to him.

However it’s on my daughter’s first birthday. I could get over that as her little party will be at the weekend but it’s my last week of maternity leave and I had a little class I went to with her and her brother and I don’t want to miss the last one.

It’s not a good enough reason, is it? No other family who could go so he does want me there.

Ooo it's a tough one.

If he has zero other family going and you're his last hope of having someone there, I'd really try to go. In your brothers shoes I might be hurt that you wanted to go to a baby group instead.

Is there no way with timings you could do both events? Or could someone take your DD to the class?

I was with you until you said he'd have noone else to be there for him. I think you need to go.

Agree with both posters above. I was with you right up until you said you were the only family representative. As for the class; you can always say your goodbyes and the one the week before?

Wdym 'perpetual student'?
If it's the first degree of its level fair enough but I wouldn't be bothered otherwise.

I know @toomuchfaff , it’s just that I want to make the most of every one (selfish I know but we can’t go next year as doesn’t fall on my days off.)

It is a faff because I’ll have to put DS in preschool an extra day then have DD in the ceremony with me and organise for PIL to pick DS up and they live a good hour away so they’ll do it but will moan a bit!

I know … I have to, it’s just such a pain!

Who would be going? It's normally to places per graduate. If your brother only has you and another family member who can go, then yes, you should. If however both your parents can go, it would make sense for them to go before you anyway.

YANBU, just say you have non refundable tickets and can't make it.

No, there’s no one else who can go. It’s not his fault obviously it’s just typical of him!

It is a faff because I’ll have to put DS in preschool an extra day then have DD in the ceremony with me and organise for PIL to pick DS up and they live a good hour away so they’ll do it but will moan a bit!

Why are you even contemplating this?

Don't let him hijack your last week!

Did family attend his first degree graduation?

Well you don't have to go
But if you are close to your brother and he wants you there ,personally I would go.

So other people's reasons to not be able to go are acceptable? But yours isn't?

It's entirely up to you. I'm not that thrilled by Baby's 1st Birthday, given that they don't know it is, and would prefer to go the graduation, although I get that missing the class would be disappointing.

But if you would rather not, then don't. It's not obligatory. You just say to him, 'I'm really sorry, but I've already got something on that day. I won't be able to come'.

I can't believe you're considering not going. Your poor brother. I presume you do love him?

My opinion is that your reason is likely as valid for not going as anyone else’s. (Supposing they are not dead or overseas obviously). It’s an invite. You have something else on. It’s ok to say no.

@Greywitch2 sorry? I don’t know what you mean.

@Bigearringsbigsmile to be fair it is the fourth graduation ceremony he has had. I know it means a lot to him but my daughter’s birthday means a lot to me as well and it REALLY isn’t quite how I saw it going. As I’ve said I know I have to go. I reserve the right to be quietly put out about it, though!

I'd go. Yes, it's not great timing but he didn't pick the date so hasn't done it deliberately. I couldn't let my sibling attend graduation alone.

Fourth?!

Fuck that. Your baby doesn't turn 1 year old four times.

How much effort does he make with you and your baby?

No of course not deliberate: it isn’t his fault, just a shame it’s fallen on that day.

Aw I would go if he's not going to have anyone else there

Then there’s the ones he didn’t graduate from. It does mean a lot to him though. I won’t pretend to understand why, but it does.

If wouldn't go in these circumstances but would invite him over/out and celebrate later.

But what does he do for you?

I think she is working on the assumption that other family members would also find attendance at the graduation a bit of an inconvenient faff, so why should their inconvenience trump your inconvenience, rather than assuming that other family members just don't exist / have died / are in hospital / prison / housebound so there is no way they could step up and be the ones to be there.

Sounds like there's a lot of backstory here. I think you're being a little harsh in the way you speak about him.

If you’ve been to one of the other graduations, I think it’s fair to ask him to take a friend to this one! Five is a bit much…

We don’t have any other family, and he’s single so it is just me unfortunately.

I didn’t mean to sound harsh - it was meant in a sort of semi affectionate ‘trust him’ way but I really do wish I could get out of it. And I know I could … no one’s forcing me but I also know I have to. I do resent it a bit but I’d feel too bad if I didn’t go.