To not want to go to my brothers graduation ceremony?

[Whitelilacs]

My brother is a bit of a perpetual student but this graduation means a lot to him.

However it’s on my daughter’s first birthday. I could get over that as her little party will be at the weekend but it’s my last week of maternity leave and I had a little class I went to with her and her brother and I don’t want to miss the last one.

It’s not a good enough reason, is it? No other family who could go so he does want me there.

Why is no one else going? Is it because you have no other family, or just that other family are not available to go?
If the latter then why is it so wrong for you to say you are not available either?

Did you go to any of the previous ceremonies?

Xpost with OP - as his only family it is a tough one....

We have no other family.

I went to two others. Now that I think about it I’m not sure he did go to his first undergraduate ceremony. So I’ve been to two previously and this will be the third. But it does seem to mean a lot to him.

Don't Go. Say you have no childcare (true as you talk about eldest going in extra day and taking the 1yr old). Congratulate him and arrange a special celebration like a mela or drinks out etc. This is his fourth degree and he can be proud and excited about graduation but he doesn’t get to dictate your life. Presumably you e attended prior graduations and know it’s very long winded and he’s on stage no time at all. Your 1yr old won’t enjoy that! Not everyone attends the ceremony but that doesn’t mean they haven’t graduations and can’t be proud of their accomplishments. You don’t need to physically see him being handed the paper to show him you’re proud of him. I’d decline. He’ll be fine.

I don’t think I’d go actually - perhaps you could do something in the evening or another day to celebrate both?

As much as his graduation is important to him, your baby’s birthday is also important to you!! He will surely understand it goes both ways!

No one wanted to come to my last (third) graduation ... the world didn't end.

He sounds like a child OP. I say that as someone who's been a mature student!
Even for weddings, ridiculous to expect pulling out all the stops for anything other than the first one.

Multiple undergraduate degrees, uncompleted ones etc etc is such a piss take.

Personally the only thing I'd be inclined to celebrate is him actually getting a job off the back of all these degrees. Not sure whether any of this is actually an accomplishment worthy of all that faff.

@Whitelilacs Yes, the pp got it right. I probably didn't word it very well. I meant that if other people have turned it down because they are busy, why can't you? I didn't realise there was no one else.

But even so - the fact that the only person in his life is a sister does NOT mean you have to go to his event when you already had plans for that day. It's your child's birthday and you have made arrangements to do something.

His desire for you to witness his triumph (again) doesn't trump the fact that you are busy that day with your children. Tell him you are sorry, you can't make it. If it helps, ask yourself whether he would give up his plans to come to something YOU wanted him to be at instead. I suspect he wouldn't.

Thanks. He is quite childlike in a lot of ways and I think he has a dream of me and DH cheering as he goes on the stage while he - I don’t know! He’s 45 but almost like a teenager in many ways (and I don’t actually think the numerous studies have helped in this respect.)

Is this for a PhD?

I don’t think you’re wrong for how you feel.
That said, it would break my heart to send my one year old to nursery on their birthday. Could DH not take the day off and bring baby with you guys and just go to a park or a wee walk for the ceremony and then have a nice lunch with baby too?
You can book a day off work to return to the baby class for a visit maybe in a few weeks to say goodbye/thank you as I assume the other mums are continuing to go?

Does he have a job? How does he finance the studies?

I’ve got a degree and a masters …..didn’t go to either graduation…if it’s his 4th it’s no big deal

Graduation ceremonies seem to have a live feed these days - would he be happy enough if you watched it online and had a celebration dinner or whatever another time?

He's 45, this is his fourth graduation ceremony. No I don't think that trumps your daughter birthday at all. I wouldn't go.

Fourth!!

Tell Him you'll go to the next.

He's 45 and it's his 4th ceremony? Good grief, no. It would be nice if you could be there but he certainly can't expect it! Especially now you are both older and have other commitments.

45 and his 4th? I'd prioritise you this time especially as you have been to others.

I didn't even go to my own graduation.

I find these events so tedious.

How old is your DB? How old was he when he lost his parents?

Edited just read the answer to my questions.

I would not go. 45 years old and 4th graduation. Flying horses wouldn't entice me to sit through another.

I'm expecting to graduate from my masters degree in a few months and I'm genuinely not that bothered about whether anyone comes to see me walk across the stage in a silly hat. The main part of the graduation that I'm looking forward to will be seeing my classmates again and celebrating with them. In fact, in a lot of ways, having someone in the audience means that I'll be less free to spend time with the people from my course. Many of whom I'll probably be seeing for the last time.

I agree with this. I was thinking he was much younger from your earlier posts but aged 45 plus this being his third/fourth graduation? No, I'd keep my plans already made regarding my child. You and DH can celebrate with him another time, which will then also work with your childcare requirements. 🌹

Well it depends how much you actually value and respect him doesn't it? I'm not getting much respect from the "perpetual student" sneer.

I would consider any graduation ceremony (even - maybe especially - a fourth) to be more important, and more worthy of celebration, than a first birthday party that the baby won't even remember. I'd go to a friend's graduation ceremony if they wanted me there. It's a significant academic achievement.

You can do whatever you want to do, but if you choose a baby class (FGS not even the birthday party!) over his graduation I'm sure he'll get the message. It'll be similar to a friend of mine who was told by another friend that she couldn't make her 40th birthday party because her baby had to nap at that time. Message was received loud and clear and their friendship has been dead in the water ever since.

You don't really want to take a one year old to a graduation tho - do you ?
She will gain nothing from it.

and you can't find any childcare for that day, so sadly you can't go.

Does he not have a wife/partner/girlfriend/husband/boyfriend or even a friend that would be willing to go.

@gannett i do find his studies a bit tedious. (It isn’t a PHd.) There is a backstory - a long one - but I do recognise it’s important to him. The problem is he has a history of thinking his own wants trump everyone else’s. He doesn’t do so intentionally and he’s actually a nice person but hard work.

I wouldn’t be sending DD to nursery but the thing is sometimes her birthday (and her brothers) will fall on a day I’m working, or when they’re older a day they are in school.

I wouldn't go. Four undergraduate degrees is absurd. It's grownup time now.