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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to my brothers graduation ceremony?

237 replies

Whitelilacs · 13/05/2024 12:26

My brother is a bit of a perpetual student but this graduation means a lot to him.

However it’s on my daughter’s first birthday. I could get over that as her little party will be at the weekend but it’s my last week of maternity leave and I had a little class I went to with her and her brother and I don’t want to miss the last one.

It’s not a good enough reason, is it? No other family who could go so he does want me there.

OP posts:
TheAlchemy · 15/05/2024 10:48

Your baby only turns one once but your brother has already graduated 3 times

its okay to prioritise yourself and your baby and I certainly wouldn’t make a 1yo sit through one of those tedious ceremonies. Take your brother for a celebratory lunch later in the week and enjoy your baby’s birthday.

toomuchfaff · 15/05/2024 10:51

Just don't go. You dont want to, youve been to other ceremonies, Just dont go. So what if he gets triggered by it - its on the same day as your childs birthday.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 15/05/2024 10:52

What are you going to do if his next graduation is on your child's first day at school ?

curiositykilledthiscat · 15/05/2024 10:54

I can't imagine how awful he'd feel going alone when the degree means so much to him. I didn't take any family members to my graduation - I took a close friend - and to not have any close friends at 45...it's really sad, so yes I think you should go. It's just a few hours out of your day.

WoshPank · 15/05/2024 10:57

I wouldn't go. Not because of the baby's feelings. She won't know or care. Because of yours.

By all means take him for a celebration dinner at the weekend or similar.

DaniMontyRae · 15/05/2024 10:57

Are you having to pay extra to put your son in preschool for that day? There is no way I would expect my sister to fund an extra day of childcare just so she could watch me cross a stage (and I've only had two graduations).

Does your brother work ft and are these qualifications an essential part of his career or are they more like hobbies? It's not usual to insist siblings attend prize givings for hobbies so surely he couldn't be that surprised if you said no.

Original poster
Whitelilacs · 15/05/2024 11:02

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 15/05/2024 10:52

What are you going to do if his next graduation is on your child's first day at school ?

Well, I probably wouldn’t be able to go to either. It would depend when my days off fell Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Whitelilacs · 15/05/2024 11:04

@DaniMontyRae - no, he’s been very depressed and this is one of the problems: the course was the solution to all his problems. Of course it isn’t but harsh reality is unlikely to make any difference.

OP posts:
curiositykilledthiscat · 15/05/2024 11:06

Enjoy the day with your daughter. She might not remember it, but you will. I'd rather have the memories of my child's (first) birthday, than the memories of someone's multiple graduations all blended in together.

"Someone"? This is her brother. The brother who has nobody else to go with.

Abbyant · 15/05/2024 11:08

It’s his fourth degree personally I wouldn’t be going if I had other plans and it would mean putting my child into nursery an extra day it’s not like it’s his first graduation it’s his fourth.

gannett · 15/05/2024 11:09

Whitelilacs · 15/05/2024 11:04

@DaniMontyRae - no, he’s been very depressed and this is one of the problems: the course was the solution to all his problems. Of course it isn’t but harsh reality is unlikely to make any difference.

You still don't sound like you have much respect for him.

If your relationship with him is important you should go. I'm astonished that anyone thinks a baby class is more significant (not even the birthday party which doesn't clash, even though most posters seem to think it's a choice between birthday and graduation).

If you're not that bothered about maintaining a relationship with someone you look down on then feel free to crack on and do what you want to do.

I have gone to some utterly ridiculous events for people I care about (think pets' birthdays, divorce parties with ceremonial dress burning etc). I did that (and enjoyed it) because I really like those friends and it was important to them. On the other hand I've also declined wedding and birthday invites from people I wasn't bothered about, because they clashed with other things in my life.

gannett · 15/05/2024 11:10

Also for whatever reason MN is reliably very very down on the idea of adults getting any more education than is strictly necessary. Personally I'm all for eternal studenthood and often wish I'd gone down that route myself (except it actually requires more discipline than getting a conveyor belt office job).

TheAlchemy · 15/05/2024 11:13

curiositykilledthiscat · 15/05/2024 11:06

Enjoy the day with your daughter. She might not remember it, but you will. I'd rather have the memories of my child's (first) birthday, than the memories of someone's multiple graduations all blended in together.

"Someone"? This is her brother. The brother who has nobody else to go with.

He’s already graduated 3 times and he’s a 45 year old man. I’m sure he’ll be fine by himself. Why should the OP pay for extra childcare and rearrange her whole week around this?

sunglassesonthetable · 15/05/2024 11:17

If it was your daughter and her brother, what would you want her to do?

Personally I couldn't bear the thought that no one would be there for him.

I think you know what the right thing to do is.

But you're either there for people or you're not and this is one of those moments for your brother.

I totally get that it's a very poignant thing for you to have to forgoe. And bloody annoying it's fallen on the same day but Sadly your little girl won't remember her birthday or toddler class.

I'd feel as narked as you OP.

curiositykilledthiscat · 15/05/2024 11:17

TheAlchemy · 15/05/2024 11:13

He’s already graduated 3 times and he’s a 45 year old man. I’m sure he’ll be fine by himself. Why should the OP pay for extra childcare and rearrange her whole week around this?

Show quote history

Really? I'm sure you wouldn't be happy if any of your kids went to their graduations by themselves. I've never heard of anyone doing it (I'm sure some people have done but very rarely) and at my ceremony of which there were more than 500 other graduates did I see anyone by themselves. It's a life event, up there with weddings, funerals etc.

sunglassesonthetable · 15/05/2024 11:18

He’s already graduated 3 times and he’s a 45 year old man. I’m sure he’ll be fine by himself. Why should the OP pay for extra childcare and rearrange her whole week around this?

Because she's the only person he seems to have.

And you have no idea if " he'll be fine " tbh.

WoshPank · 15/05/2024 11:20

I'm astonished that anyone thinks a baby class is more significant (not even the birthday party which doesn't clash, even though most posters seem to think it's a choice between birthday and graduation).

I'm every bit as surprised that some people don't seem to have understood that this clearly isn't just a baby class to OP. It's marking the end of her mat leave, which is particularly important to her given that her first one happened in lockdown.

I'm all for highlighting that even though this is a 4th graduation for a man who must've spent a good chunk of his adult life doing undergrad degrees and lots of others wouldn't think it was a big deal, it's an event of importance to hiim. But if we're taking that approach, it needs to work both ways. The final baby class of mat leave, is, because of OPs particular priorities and experiences, an event of importance to her.

curiositykilledthiscat · 15/05/2024 11:25

The final baby class of mat leave, is, because of OPs particular priorities and experiences, an event of importance to her.

But if she was sure it was more important than attending her brother's graduation ceremony, she wouldn't have asked "It’s not a good enough reason, is it?"

sunglassesonthetable · 15/05/2024 11:25

I suppose it's a case of do you put yourself or your brother first?

Both have valid arguments to support them.

I personally couldn't bear the thought of my brother having no one there.

sunglassesonthetable · 15/05/2024 11:26

And knowing it would matter to him.

Original poster
Whitelilacs · 15/05/2024 11:28

What would respect look like? I don’t want to go, it will cost me a lot of money and be a huge pain but I’ll go anyway because I recognise it’s important to you? Looks like respect to me.

But the two camps are interesting. I’m either a Bad Mum not prioritising my children or I am a Bad Sister with no respect for my brother.

OP posts:
KomproMatilda · 15/05/2024 11:28

I’m glad your brother now has a niece and nephew to call family as well. I hope they’ll grow up to be proud of him!

And I don’t think it would be a bad thing for one of his niblings to be able to say they attended one of his graduations when they were small. It’ll be a lovely thing to look back on when they’re older. You can take photos!

Obviously if you take a baby you may want to be outside the hall for most of the speechifying and what not - and then step inside for the actual degree awarding bit.

Please go. It’s awful sad not to have any family at this sort of thing.

#Notbitteratall

WoshPank · 15/05/2024 11:29

curiositykilledthiscat · 15/05/2024 11:25

The final baby class of mat leave, is, because of OPs particular priorities and experiences, an event of importance to her.

But if she was sure it was more important than attending her brother's graduation ceremony, she wouldn't have asked "It’s not a good enough reason, is it?"

Yes. I didn't say it was more important. I said they were clearly both events of importance to the people participating in them, which is why it's a mistake to see this only as one baby class. It's about the end of a particular period.

The two people involved evidently place a differing level of emphasis on things that matter to others, yes.

Original poster
Whitelilacs · 15/05/2024 11:29

It is sad and I would be really gutted for him if he missed it so that’s why I will go … But you can also recognise that your own feelings are valid I suppose.

OP posts:
BrickSnail · 15/05/2024 11:30

Is it a PhD? Cos I think if it was anything but a PhD I'd skip it. I've had four graduations (none were PhD) and for my fourth one I didn't invite anyway, even I barely wanted to go. Your kid only gets one first birthday and I get how important the little classes are, I cried at baby sensory graduation 😂