To not want to go to my brothers graduation ceremony?

[Whitelilacs]

My brother is a bit of a perpetual student but this graduation means a lot to him.

However it’s on my daughter’s first birthday. I could get over that as her little party will be at the weekend but it’s my last week of maternity leave and I had a little class I went to with her and her brother and I don’t want to miss the last one.

It’s not a good enough reason, is it? No other family who could go so he does want me there.

He’s almost 45. I think I’d say I’m so sorry- it’s such a shame it’s that date. It’s dds 1st birthday and we have a day planned.

You really need to distinguish between academic progression and multiple degrees of the same level. The former is a big achievement and worthy of celebration, involving significant effort from other people
The latter is not.
I'm all for people studying as much as they want , but, like running a marathon, the sense of personal development and achievement is its own reward. They don't need kudos from all and sundry.

using the 40th birthday celebration actually contradicts your point. You think the friend's 40th birthday, which is a party and only happens once, takes precedence over baby nap time which is an everyday occurrence.

Likewise, I think OP's daughter's first birthday, which also occurs only once, is as big an event as the 40th. And takes precedence over the graduation which for her brother doesn't seem to be an unusual occurrence.

Also I have multiple degrees and professional qualifications myself and have no respect for perpetual students who make a big fuss about the trimmings. Knowledge is its own reward, you're an adult, you don't need to be so attention seeking

tell him you can't attend due to baby responsibilities.

Take him for a lovely lunch instead on another day.

I'd go, you're his only family and he'll still be around after you've lost contact with most of your baby group.

I've got mixed feelings. You're not unreasonable to not want to go - I didn't* *want to go to my own, never mind anyone else's. But if there really isn't anyone else who can be there for him and it's important to him then I think you perhaps should.
Personally I don't get why someone would be bothered about attending multiple graduations. I didn't tell anyone that there was one for me second time around as I felt I'd done my duty enduring the first one, so I absolutely understand why you wouldn't want to go, especially when you have something else significant happening that day. But it clearly is important to your brother. Reading between the lines it sounds like maybe his identity is very much tied up in his academic success? I think in your shoes I'd probably grin and bear it and hope he doesn't take any more courses!

Yes … I am hoping to god he doesn’t decide to do anything else!

None of our DC's attended their siblings' graduations.

YANBU

Do your own thing!

You’re right to go. If you are each others only family then the time will come when you appreciate him putting himself out for your dc and doing things he’d rather not.

After reading more of your replies I think it's fine to not go. He's had 4 graduations and you child is only one once, you don't get that back.

Could you do your club netting in the day and skip the graduation but take him out for a celebratory dinner/drinks in the evening or in the week?

I can't remember any of my kids' first birthdays but I remember my brother's graduation.

Although things are probably different now with social media. If social media exists in 25 years time!

I think it is fine to say I can't make it.
It is ok to prioritise your child on her birthday.
As her uncle he should understand that she will be your priority.
It is his 4th graduation. You must have been there for some or all of the other graduation ceremonies.
It is a shame that he won't have any family there. He probably has made some friends with some of the other graduates. Could he celebrate with them?

Child's birthday trumps a graduation.

Only parents are really interested in graduations.

Presumably you went though?
The OP is her brother's only family member - bit of a different situation.

Don't go Op, especially if you're not planning on more kids, finish out your class with your daughter on her birthday.

I would go to your brothers graduation. It clearly matters to him The things you are mentioning instead are things you won't even think about in a tears time

You actually DON'T have to go. You are actually choosing to because you could say no.

It's his 4th graduation so he isn't a youngster having his first undergraduate graduation with no parents like other youngsters.

His qualification may mean a lot to HIM but it doesn't follow everyone else has to bow down and fit what he wants.

It's also his FOURTH graduation and he is 45 years old so that's a bit different too.

He doesn’t have to go either - I wouldn’t go in these circumstances.

The things you are mentioning instead are things you won't even think about in a tears time

I almost certainly will go but I disagree that the things I’m mentioning aren’t important or that I won’t think about in a years time. My first was a lockdown baby and I still feel a sense of having been cheated.

Yes it is, and there are arguments either way, it's entirely the the OP's choice.
But the argument that the OP needn't bother because other people's kids didn't attend their siblings' graduation is irrelevant when there are obviously living parents. If there was a parent, partner or other sibling to attend in this case I don't suppose the OP would give the decision a second thought - regardless of whether this was her brother's first or tenth graduation, she'd almost certainly prioritise her daughter's birthday . Her entire dilemma arises from the fact that there is nobody else to go.

I don't blame you for wanting to make the most of your child's birthday and the last activities of maternity leave. Some might scoff but I think that this can be a very precious time for many of us.

My child’s first birthday would mean a hell of a lot more to me than anyone’s fourth(!!) graduation. Ridiculous. The man needs to go and get a job - though I can’t imagine any employer wanting him on the basis that he clearly can’t stick at anything.

to be fair it is the fourth graduation ceremony he has had

Then I wouldn't go. If it was his first degree, fine, I'd suck it up and go (even though a graduation ceremony is very boring and his participation in it lasts about four seconds) but if he makes a habit of constantly studying and getting more and more degrees just for his satisfaction, then no, I wouldn't go. In fact, if I was on my fourth degree I wouldn't go to my own graduation.

If he's on his fourth degree and it's another Bachelors degree or another Masters degree on top of the three he's already got, then essentially studying is a hobby that he does because he enjoys it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that - I'd love to be able to do that myself! But I think in that situation, asking you to attend his graduation is a bit like asking to come along to watch him compete in his golf club's annual tournament or something.

I'm sure it does mean a lot to him but there's not really any reason it should also mean a lot to you. I would definitely, in the kindest possible way I could, say that you're really sorry and you know he's worked hard for his degree, but you can't attend his ceremony this time like you did for his other three graduations, as it's your daughter's birthday and your final week of mat leave and you have things you need to do.

You keep saying 'I know I have to go' but you really don't. It's obvious from your follow up posts that your brother is a difficult and demanding man and that you're just in a rut of being a doormat and doing whatever he asks of you.

I wouldn't miss anything decent to go to someone's graduation, fuck that

Not a chance in hell would I go when he’s 45 and it’s his fourth degree.