To not want to go to my brothers graduation ceremony?

[Whitelilacs]

My brother is a bit of a perpetual student but this graduation means a lot to him.

However it’s on my daughter’s first birthday. I could get over that as her little party will be at the weekend but it’s my last week of maternity leave and I had a little class I went to with her and her brother and I don’t want to miss the last one.

It’s not a good enough reason, is it? No other family who could go so he does want me there.

I've graduated from several universities. In all of them, you could choose the day of your graduation. Not out of thin air like you just pick any date you like, but graduations are held on set days and you can choose to graduate on whichever of those days you book. Depending on the size of the university, they might be held on several days each season, or maybe only one or two days a year, but you definitely have to proactively choose which one you want.

It feels special when your baby turns 1. He's graduating for the 4th time?! Well you don't need to go to that one as well!!! Don't go, and explain why. Your baby's 1st birthday definitely trumps a 4th graduation!

You are your daughter's only mother

Usually there are summer dates or winter dates from which you can select which ceremony to attend. He has waited until he is 45 to get to his 4th graduation. He can wait another 6 months for a ceremony to allow the only person he seems to know tk celebrate her daughter's birthday with her.

I do know that, thanks. But someone said over the page that he has other family: he doesn’t.

It IS a bit cringey and daft but he doesn’t have great self esteem so I think this graduation is very much about trying to show what he has achieved.

I can certainly ask him about a winter one but the problem is that if it falls on a working day I’ve no chance of getting it off.

Don't go and don't feel guilty about it, it's your daughter's birthday.

I didn't go to my Master's graduation - was supposed to be in 2020 but covid put paid to it. I don't think they even rescheduled the ceremony. He's a big boy, he'll live.

I've graduated from three and had no choice about my graduation day (did not go to the last as cancelled due to covid, but there was only one date).

No, you do NOT have to go.

"The problem is he has a history of thinking his own wants trump everyone else’s. He doesn’t do so intentionally and he’s actually a nice person but hard work."

And he has a history of you reinforcing his thinking his wants trump everyone else's too. Frankly, at the age of 45, it's well past time that he learned other people have things that are important to them, more important than his fourth graduation ceremony.

Put your big girl pants on and tell him that you are unable to attend, it clashes with things that are IMPORTANT TO YOU.

Even without the issue of your daughter's birthday, I wouldn't go. Fourth graduation and you've been to at least two others? Hell no.

Tell him you might be able to attend the next one.

Enjoy the day with your daughter. She might not remember it, but you will. I'd rather have the memories of my child's (first) birthday, than the memories of someone's multiple graduations all blended in together.

Has he ever had a job?

Fourth graduation is he done now @Whitelilacs ?

I hope so!

I don’t think I need to put my ‘big girl pants’ on. Any feelings of guilt I have might be misplaced but they are still my feelings. I will go to it but I don’t want to!

Well he could like my brother go on to do a masters then a PhD. We thought he'd never be done with education

What is underlying your wish to please him at all costs to you?

I probably have feelings of guilt and I know how much it matters to him. The fact that that is stupid doesn’t mean that it doesn’t matter.

It’s a good enough reason, he has his classmates It’s not like he hasn’t graduated before. Can you meet him afterwards and present him with a big bottle of champagne or something?

You’ve been to two others.

Does he have no friends/partner to go this time?

Just tell him, you have another priority now.

What was the point of this thread? It's clear you were always going to go.

What so you mean by perpetual student? What is the degree level? If it means a lot to him and he's asked you specifically I think rightly he'll be hurt if you don't go.

I've changed my vote. You are absolutely not being unreasonable.hes graduated 4 times and he's 45 years old. He can pull up his big boy pants and realise his niece only gets one 1st birthday. I understand he has noone else but he's not in his 20s getting his first degree. Your kids come first, now and always. He'll get over it 😘

Well, if we’re going to be pedantic the title does say ‘to not WANT to go.’

I don’t want to but I probably will. It’s interesting hearing other views. The thing is, the vote leans heavily one way but it’s far from unanimous so if people are annoyed I’m not doing as they want 🤷‍♀️

The way you talk about him isn’t very nice.

I have four degrees; husband has three. We have a few friends who only have two, zero who only have one. No self esteem issues - this is just the norm in our profession - but we all celebrate our graduations as none
of the degrees got easier, especially as our lives got busier.

If this isn’t his first graduation then I think it’s reasonable not to go. This is a precious time with your children. But honestly only you know how much it means to him and how you would feel if you didn’t go.

I was on Team Bro until you said he was 45! There comes a point when you have to take responsibility for your own happiness.

On the other hand - Your daughter doesn’t know what day her birthday is and you can celebrate with her for days on end.

She won’t remember the baby class and will barely know it’s her birthday!

Will she be OK at the graduation though? They can be endlessly boring and, if it’s a lot of travel and faff, it might just be hell on toast for everyone! You won’t be able to clap holding a bored and tired 1 year old! You might not even be able to be in the room.

Managing a 1 year old at a graduation ceremony sounds no fun - and I could easily imagine ending up missing the 30seconds my relative was on stage due to managing my baby.

Is there some other comprise - watching the live stream and then having a face time call with DB so he can show you his gown/certificate etc and then him come over to you in the evening to celebrate with you?