To not want to go to my brothers graduation ceremony?

[Whitelilacs]

My brother is a bit of a perpetual student but this graduation means a lot to him.

However it’s on my daughter’s first birthday. I could get over that as her little party will be at the weekend but it’s my last week of maternity leave and I had a little class I went to with her and her brother and I don’t want to miss the last one.

It’s not a good enough reason, is it? No other family who could go so he does want me there.

OP what's your relationship with your brother like generally?

The problem is he has a history of thinking his own wants trump everyone else’s. He doesn’t do so intentionally and he’s actually a nice person but hard work.

So at best he's thoughtless, at worst he's self centred and expects everyone else to pander to him. Does he ever put himself out, inconvenience himself or do anything he doesn't want to do for other people?

I'd look at the wider picture, beyond 1st birthday, mat leave, the last meeting of your group, and make a decision based on that.

OP you're seriously coming across as a bit of a doormat. Why did you even bother posting?
Most PP agree that your daughter's birthday is more important. The rest, well everyone's entitled to their own opinions but I don't think most of them have read beyond the headline.

You are not the only member of your family available for a major milestone graduation for your brother. This is his 4th qualification after having another of similar levels, you have been to 2 graduations already.

Yes, it's important to your brother - but why does that trump what's important to YOU? Why are you bending over backwards for him, when nobody else in your family can be bothered? Did your attendance in the previous graduations not matter at all? His obsession with academics as a major part of his identity and self-absorption in not considering what you've already done isn't your problem tbh.

Now, unless you're going to come out with a major drip-feed. Like, this is bro's first career change degree after recovering from a major illness/divorce/breakup whatever, the rest of your family are all dealing with similar and therefore can't come...

I'd just tell him you already have plans. You don't need to dither over whether your excuse is acceptable enough or not. Don't martyr yourself needlessly.

Reverse it.

Why, as an uncle, is he disinterested enough to not think, hang on, it's my niece's birthday that day. Stuff the dull-as-ditchwater ceremony, I'll check when sis is planning the tea and cake?

If the OP has done two graduations, maybe he could do one first birthday party?

I've had two graduations and I had family at neither. My parents would have come to the first one but couldn't as they were traveling. The second one I was a proper grown up so I didn't even ask any family to attend. The first time I invited my boyfriend and best friend and the second we were mostly mature students so we just went for a drink together after. I had a great time both times hanging out with my mates and fellow graduates. If he's a grown up surely he can do the same. I wouldn't want to miss my daughter's 1st birthday either.

However, people are different and if he really wants you there it might have to be done for the sake of the relationship. 4 times though....bit much to still be requiring an audience in my opinion.

Could your DH go instead?

He’s actually working away on that date so no. But I don’t think there’s any chance he’d take a days leave for it!

If he's worth preserving a 'relationship' with then he'd be mature enough to understand that his nieces' birthday trumps his 4th graduation!
Family is family, yes but it works both ways. It's on him to be considerate of what's important to his sister and his little niece, as much as it applies the other way around.

For you not to go because it's his 4th such graduation ceremony and you've been to the other 3 seems fair enough for you, but for him to have no-one there because his only family support wanted to go to a toddler/baby group with his niece and nephew seems a weak excuse. But he's your brother, you know what's best.

No way would I be putting a 45 year old blokes fourth graduation ceremony above my little girls 1st birthday. Time to put your big boy pants on Rodney and go it alone.

Your children come first now. He needs to understand that.

She's not his only family though.
For all we know everyone else has similar 'weak' or, even worse, fake/no excuses. They just don't want to go/don;t see the point.
Also what 'support' does a 45 year old need exactly?

If you had put that he is 45 and it's his fourth UG degree in your OP, I expect that the majority would be saying focus on your DD that day.

Gosh no!

I did a second undergrad at that age -parents watched on YouTube. Everyone cheers everyone crossing the stage. He will be say with mates anyway?

Parents also watched my masters online. I'd not drag them down to London for this sort of thing.

Jesus I’ve been to two of my own graduations, no way would I attend a 3rd let alone someone else’s 😂😂

Do your child’s birthday. He’s a 45 year old man ffs!

I am his only family.

Does he have any friends?

Speaking as a fellow mature student, I would go for a first undergraduate degree or for a doctorate (which you have already said it isn't). I really wouldn't put myself out for a random Masters or similar. I would go if I happened to be free, but not in your circumstances when it meant rearranging other plans.

There's very little in your posts about he adds to your life.

Are there any other things at play here, such as MH issues?

He hasn’t got any close friends to speak of and plus I imagine they (like DH) would refuse to take a days leave for his graduation.

It does mean a lot to him. He’s been talking about it for a while. I mostly humour him but it is a pain - Dds birthday is a by the by in many ways as I wouldn’t really be doing much to mark it but it does end our time together (not really but you know what I mean!)

The fourth graduation for a 45 year old?! No, I wouldn’t go. I only have one degree but anyone I know who has had a second or third hasn’t even bothered with the ceremony themselves

You are being unreasonable.

Though I shall actually go to my dad's graduation-after I did a second degree - he also started one at open university at 75 part time.

Now hopefully he does finish it! And wonders how he'll get his walker up onto the stage. But yes that one I'd attend.

I'm on my fourth or fifth (hard to keep track) graduation now. There's no way I'd expect people to attend them - in fact, for the last couple (which were diplomas), all the graduates had a great time celebrating together. My dad came to my undergrad and phd but even those I didn't expect or demand anyone to come. All this study is for my own benefit, not anyone else's. He sounds very immature.

Your DB can't choose the day of his graduation.

You don't need to be there all day.

How is it typical of him?

Make the arrangements and go. You can do both.

I think he sounds really entitled actually. Expecting a cheering squad for his fourth graduation - how cringe.

I didn't even go to my masters graduation. Just asked the university to mail me the certificate!

I definitely wouldn't go on the basis that he has multiple degrees and this isn't his first rodeo! Fuck that.