To not want to go to my brothers graduation ceremony?

[Whitelilacs]

My brother is a bit of a perpetual student but this graduation means a lot to him.

However it’s on my daughter’s first birthday. I could get over that as her little party will be at the weekend but it’s my last week of maternity leave and I had a little class I went to with her and her brother and I don’t want to miss the last one.

It’s not a good enough reason, is it? No other family who could go so he does want me there.

Only you know your family history and if YABU.

My family never turned up for stuff like this. It still hurts, even at 40.

And? He’s 45, if he has not a single friend or acquaintance he can invite, that’s not OP’s fault. How long do you think she should be responsible for her older brother?

Not really about 'anyone's fault ' though is it?

It's about childhood, family and ties that bind.
And you know, caring for people's feelings.

There's no wrong answer here. It's about how OP feels about all that stuff.

And yep I've seen those sort of responsibilities stretch across people's entire lives. Because everyone has different priorities.

@MrsSkylerWhite

I think though if the op said -normally our parents attend but they just died" then of course she'd try and attend -or if girlfriend just dumped him.

But it sounds like he is a solitary person so why should sister have to step up all the time.

But it sounds like he is a solitary person so why should sister have to step up all the time.

Who knows ?🤷‍♀️ the brother thing? she cares about him? she feels sorry for him? she doesn't want to feel bad?

She doesn't have to do anything tbh.

Why can’t anyone else go? Your reason is probably as valid as theirs but you’re the only one feeling guilty? Or were you the last to be asked.

your daughter is priority and id go to her class. It’s an important milestone for you both.

i know I'm in the minority but adult siblings need to learn that if one has their own children/family this is going to take priority.

Why can’t anyone else go?

He doesn’t have anyone else who can go as OP has clearly said.

My brother was similar, no friends, single etc and if your sibling has special needs then it is quite normal to be responsible for them to some degree if there is no other family. My brother was probably autistic though he was undiagnosed as when we were young it wasn't. I accepted that once our parents died I would have to watch out for him. Perhaps I would have found it more difficult when my own dc were young but as my youngest is now 16 I was actually looking forward to spending more time with him. Sadly he died 2 months ago.

Why can’t anyone else go? Your reason is probably as valid as theirs but you’re the only one feeling guilty? Or were you the last to be asked.

@Lola2321

Think you need to read the thread.

I got so sad thinking of all the things I couldn’t do once maternity ended so I get where you’re coming from but I doubt most people will understand. What will you regret more missing the class or everyone being annoyed at you?

I take it you can’t do a different days class? Xx

I have read all of your replies. I would explain to him that, although you love him and are proud of him, the time has come that you have to prioritise your children. Offer to go out for a celebratory dinner at a time that suits you better. You have been there at other graduations. He's 45. Don't feel guilty. He may be miffed at first from what you've said , but hopefully in time he will process it and understand it from your perspective. However, I do wonder from what you've said if he could have a diagnosis of something but is undiagnosed. This might be worth exploring with him if he wishes.

I hear you OP. I also have a high-needs sibling that has caused problems for me, starting with other kids bullying me as a child simply because I was related to him. You're allowed to have nuance in your feelings. Ignore the dramatics from others here.

I watched my sister in law’s graduation on a live feed. Granted, hers was the only one and there were no kids/other commitments on the day to juggle, but I would prioritise your existing plans this time.