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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to my brothers graduation ceremony?

237 replies

Whitelilacs · 13/05/2024 12:26

My brother is a bit of a perpetual student but this graduation means a lot to him.

However it’s on my daughter’s first birthday. I could get over that as her little party will be at the weekend but it’s my last week of maternity leave and I had a little class I went to with her and her brother and I don’t want to miss the last one.

It’s not a good enough reason, is it? No other family who could go so he does want me there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whitelilacs · 15/05/2024 14:07

I think the responses show it’s far from clear cut and people are probably projecting their own familial relationships, graduations and even views towards birthdays. It doesn’t make anyone right or wrong, it’s just different values and different people.

OP posts:
Starlight1979 · 15/05/2024 14:08

YANBU - it is your daughters first birthday, he has had FOUR other graduations
YABU - he's your brother and you don't have any other family so it would mean a lot to him you being there.

Tough one OP but on balance I would probably go....

fruitbrewhaha · 15/05/2024 14:12

It’s not even about the 1st birthday for me. More of the faff of childcare and graduations must be pretty dull for the guests.

sunglassesonthetable · 15/05/2024 14:14

I think the responses show it’s far from clear cut and people are probably projecting their own familial relationships, graduations and even views towards birthdays. It doesn’t make anyone right or wrong, it’s just different values and different people.

Totally agree. It's not clear cut. There's no right or wrong.

FangsForTheMemory · 15/05/2024 14:20

I didn’t go to my own second graduation ceremony! I’m not big on stuff like this, mind you.

AlltheFs · 15/05/2024 15:54

curiositykilledthiscat · 15/05/2024 13:04

Said by the person with zero empathy and no understanding of higher education achievements.

Show quote history

I work in HE and have a rather large collection of PG qualifications as it goes. I sit on the stage for about 30 graduation ceremonies a year so rather qualified to
comment actually.

HesterRoon · 15/05/2024 16:35

It’s true there are no right/wrong answers but I think if it’s really important to the brother and he has no one else, then it is right to go-if you love your brother. A one year old will have no understanding of a birthday so it’s not like she’d feel let down-and there is already a planned party for the adults. Missing a baby class? Bit irritating but not something you’ll be thinking about and wishing you’d gone in a couple of years time.

afluffle · 15/05/2024 16:43

The 4th one is a bit much. Go to your little one's class.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 15/05/2024 16:50

PrincessTeaSet · 15/05/2024 12:40

You don't go with someone to your own graduation. You sit with your classmates. OP would be sitting with random parents she doesn't know.

I wouldn't go. Babies probably aren't allowed anyway.

You could ask him to defer the graduation if he's that bothered.

I have 4 degrees too. The first graduation was significant. The others were a formality. Certainly wouldn't have expected anyone to come unless they actually wanted to.

Show quote history

Of course kids are allowed,the Barbican was choc full of families when we went!

Manthide · 15/05/2024 19:25

Whitelilacs · 15/05/2024 13:05

What frustration? I’m sitting here eating a ham sandwich while DD naps. It’s mildly annoying that his graduation falls on the same day as DDs first birthday and the end of my maternity leave but it’s hardly a massive deal or anything.

It really isn’t horrifying to point out I have two children who are my family (and of course they are his but are too young to really be anywhere without me.) But in any case while this doesn’t apply to my brother it is very sinister to tell people they should put up with anything because of DNA. My brother is a troubled soul and in many ways life would be more straightforward without him. Meeting his needs and the needs of two little children AND a job that can be demanding albeit part time isn’t always easy, in all cases it is a ‘what best fits’ rather than ‘what’s the perfect solution.’

Show quote history

He sounds similar to my brother - childless, difficult, single, lovely but when you mentioned your life would be easier without him it made my blood run cold! My wonderful brother died 2 months ago today, he was my only sibling, probably ND but never assessed - and I always knew he'd be my responsibility when my parents died ( they are still alive and well) and I so much wish he got to be!

2024please · 15/05/2024 20:01

Do consider going. At my son's graduation, 2 of his friends had no family there, so came to dinner with us afterwards, it was really nice to feel we were cheering them on as well as our DS when they stepped up to receive their degree.

Original poster
Whitelilacs · 15/05/2024 20:05

@Manthide i am obviously sorry for your loss but at the risk of sounding more terse than I probably intend, you’ve absolutely no idea what I’ve been through because of my brother.

Besides, I lost my mother very young. I still sometimes found my father irritating before he died as well.

One of my friends had her sister pass away from cancer but I know she is still sometimes annoyed by her other sister

There are people on here who have dealt with the unimaginable sorrow of losing a child. Is every 'my toddler is driving me nuts' thread invalid, or to be greeted with 'this made my blood run cold as at least you have your child'?

Life would be easier without him. It would also be a hell of a lot easier without a three year old and a ten month old baby. That doesn’t mean I don’t want them, does it? Hmm

OP posts:
dragonscannotswim · 15/05/2024 20:59

I would prioritise yourself and dd this time.

He's 45!! It's his 4th graduation!! You already had plans, which you would have to change...

Talk to him. Explain why you can't come. Say you'll celebrate with him another time.

(Does he ever do things for you and/or for your dc??)

dragonscannotswim · 15/05/2024 21:01

HesterRoon · 15/05/2024 16:35

It’s true there are no right/wrong answers but I think if it’s really important to the brother and he has no one else, then it is right to go-if you love your brother. A one year old will have no understanding of a birthday so it’s not like she’d feel let down-and there is already a planned party for the adults. Missing a baby class? Bit irritating but not something you’ll be thinking about and wishing you’d gone in a couple of years time.

But OP's feelings and wishes are important too. SHE wants to be with her dd and stick to her plans. Isn't that important too?

benfoldsfivefan · 15/05/2024 22:40

I wonder if the people encouraging the OP not to go haven’t been graduates themselves? I can’t imagine how it feels to have no family or partner or friend at the ceremony you’ve worked so hard for. It’s a big day for the graduate, whether it’s the first or fourth time, one you never forget. There’s not much of a relationship with me and my only sibling, but I would hate the thought of him graduating with nobody there for him other than his mates from his course.

AlltheFs · 15/05/2024 22:46

benfoldsfivefan · 15/05/2024 22:40

I wonder if the people encouraging the OP not to go haven’t been graduates themselves? I can’t imagine how it feels to have no family or partner or friend at the ceremony you’ve worked so hard for. It’s a big day for the graduate, whether it’s the first or fourth time, one you never forget. There’s not much of a relationship with me and my only sibling, but I would hate the thought of him graduating with nobody there for him other than his mates from his course.

I have 5 qualifications that I was eligible to attend a graduation for. I went to 2. I don’t know anyone that would have gone to all.

I work in HE and sit on the stage for graduations at my HEI many, many times a year. Most students attend their u/g ceremony. Very few attend for postgrads, with the exception of PhD’s. They are just a money making exercise.

It is a completely twattish thing for a grown adult to prioritise their 4th graduation over their niece’s birthday.

DownWithThisKindOfThing · 15/05/2024 22:51

benfoldsfivefan · 15/05/2024 22:40

I wonder if the people encouraging the OP not to go haven’t been graduates themselves? I can’t imagine how it feels to have no family or partner or friend at the ceremony you’ve worked so hard for. It’s a big day for the graduate, whether it’s the first or fourth time, one you never forget. There’s not much of a relationship with me and my only sibling, but I would hate the thought of him graduating with nobody there for him other than his mates from his course.

Yes I am a graduate. Tbh the graduation ceremony was more for my parents than me, I wasn’t that fussed.

TheAlchemy · 15/05/2024 22:55

benfoldsfivefan · 15/05/2024 22:40

I wonder if the people encouraging the OP not to go haven’t been graduates themselves? I can’t imagine how it feels to have no family or partner or friend at the ceremony you’ve worked so hard for. It’s a big day for the graduate, whether it’s the first or fourth time, one you never forget. There’s not much of a relationship with me and my only sibling, but I would hate the thought of him graduating with nobody there for him other than his mates from his course.

I am a graduate and I think academic achievement is very important, to the person who is graduating. However expecting other people to go to expense, inconvenience their children and their PIL and go out of their way to acknowledge something you’ve already done 3 times previously strikes me as self indulgent and I wouldn’t put any of my siblings in this position.

WhatNoRaisins · 16/05/2024 06:21

I've only graduated once myself but they can be pretty dull. My FIL who has had a few said the later ones felt a bit like conveyor belts.

WoshPank · 16/05/2024 07:21

benfoldsfivefan · 15/05/2024 22:40

I wonder if the people encouraging the OP not to go haven’t been graduates themselves? I can’t imagine how it feels to have no family or partner or friend at the ceremony you’ve worked so hard for. It’s a big day for the graduate, whether it’s the first or fourth time, one you never forget. There’s not much of a relationship with me and my only sibling, but I would hate the thought of him graduating with nobody there for him other than his mates from his course.

Given the demographics of MN, I suspect most people commenting will be graduates. More than a few of us have been eligible to attend multiple ceremonies and stopped bothering after the first or second.

stichguru · 16/05/2024 09:16

Sorry but I think missing the baby event to go to your brother's graduation would be fine and so would missing the graduation to go to the baby event! I think you have to pick what's more important to you.

MrsSkylerWhite · 16/05/2024 10:30

KomproMatilda · Yesterday 12:16
Surely you realised I meant outside the family you’ve made?
**
Tbh your response has made my blood run cold. Don’t go if you so clearly despise him

KomproMatilda · Yesterday 12:26
This:

He’s not my only relative. I have a husband and two children. I am his only relative.
**
is horrifying. As if you’re a being from some infinitely superior planet

Bizarre responses. A younger sister wants to put her child before her incredibly needy, 45 year old sibling. A perfectly normal priority.

She has already supported this grown man at two graduations. To expect his sister to prioritise him over her own child is incredibly selfish.

MrsSkylerWhite · 16/05/2024 10:35

curiositykilledthiscat · Yesterday 12:29
AlltheFs · Yesterday 12:28

No I wouldn’t be going. Graduations are mind numbing- I work in HE.

Your baby comes first, he needs to get over himself. Is he always so selfish?

He has nobody else to go with!”

And? He’s 45, if he has not a single friend or acquaintance he can invite, that’s not OP’s fault. How long do you think she should be responsible for her older brother?

WhatNoRaisins · 16/05/2024 10:58

If someone like the DB was posting a thread about their situation I'm pretty sure people would be telling them that they need to be realistic here. That just because they only have this one person in the world that they are close to that they have to expect this person to have other priorities sometimes.

All this stuff about it being horrifying and blood running cold is ridiculous.

PloddingAlong21 · 16/05/2024 11:35

if you have a birthday or day trip planned for 1st birthday already, then fair enough.

however a baby group over your brothers graduation when you’re his only family? It’s a no brainer - your brother.

your child has zero awareness of their birthday and as you said, can celebrate at the weekend.

Think of their relationship too. If your daughter one day wants her uncle to support her or be there for her, but he’d rather pop to the pub with Gary he knows from his local because he loves doing that more.

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