Parent taking teenage boy into women's changing room

[JohnnyLuLus]

I need to preface this with this is not about transwomen. This is about parents.

I was swimming with my children today at a leisure club. The gym overlooks the pool.and my teens noticed a boy who looked about their age (13) in the gym. They asked if they could use the gym, but the rules are no under-16s. I explained that the boy was probably older than he looked. All fine. (I was somewhat disgusted by the fact he took off his top to run on the treadmill, but I recognise that's probably my issue).

Anyway, after our.swim my teen boys went off to get changed in the men's changing room, whilst my 11 year old daughter and I went into the ladies.

It's an open-plan changing room - no private space and who should walk in, but the teenage boy and his mother. She kind of ushered him nto the corner and he sat on a bench. I got my daughter to cover up and hurried her along, but she's 11 and autistic so some executive functioning issues, so inevitably was exposed - I stood between her and the boy's line of sight. As I was trying to get her to finish up, the mother came over and said , "is it okay if my little boy walks through". I said "no not really is it, and he shouldn't be in here, he's no little either".
She then said in a defensive voice "Well he's autistic, what am I supposed to do?" and then hurried him.out to the pool.

2/3 of my children are autistic, I get it's hard. But that shouldn't mean a teenage boy is in the open-plan women's changing area. The local leisure centres have family changing.

Being the weekend, the only staff on reception were young weekend staff, but I've left a message for the manager to get back to me tomorrow.

Aibu unreasonable for leaving a message saying we will revoke our membership if they don't make it very clear what their rules are around age limits to the opposite sex changing room?

YANBU for flagging this up but do at least give them a chance to sort it out.

YABU. I get it was an uncomfortable situation but autism means different things for different people. Perhaps this young person isn't capable of getting changed independently and so needed his mum's support (I know my autistic boy will likely need my support when he's a teen). You might have a point about the leisure centre providing family changing facilities, but focusing on ages and sexes is not the way to go.

That's still not an excuse to invade women's changing areas.

A teenage boy with needs should be using a family facility with his mother and not in a female changing area.

My autistic son also needs support at 13. But if a male family member can't come with us then we either don't swim or we swim at the local leisure centre with family changing, rather than at the leisure club. I would never take him into a woman's changing room. He's autistic, yes, but he's still a teenage boy.

If this gym doesn't provide a disabled or family changing room then they need to go elsewhere. It's not fair on the women and girls but also hugely undignified for him too.

you are not being unreasonable at all. I would be absolutely furious, he is autistic - not blind.

YANBU. People may not like my wording, but somebody being autistic is not an excuse for a potential safety issue for a young girl or others. Totally inappropriate. If he can't get changed on his own then they should go somewhere than has a private space for them to use.

This is one of those times where autism is inappropriately used as an excuse and it isn't fair to other autistic individuals to be tarred with this brush.

This is why I think there should be unisex changing areas instead of just male and female. A shared space that people could opt in and out would save so much difficulty.

No worries you edited your post! Confusion cleared up!

Do you mean with individual changing cubicles? I'm happy with that and use those when we are elsewhere, but this particular place is individual sex, open-plan changing.

I wished I'd said that!

Being the weekend, the only staff on reception were young weekend staff

And what did you say to them about it?

I asked them what the age for the gym was and what the age limit for taking children into opposite sex changing rooms was. They said 16 for the gym and they didn't know about changing rooms.

There is cctv in reception showing the pool, so I said that this particular parent (on the screen) had taken her son into the women's changing room, and as he was in the gym I can only presume that he must be over 16.

They said they weren't sure on the changing room rules, so I said I'd take it up with their manager.

Is that okay for you?

YANBU. My DS is autistic and almost 18. He has communication issues and struggles to dry or dress himself fully and needs support.

Our local pool doesn't have family changing areas, so we don't go there. We travel much further away where the changing rooms are unisex and have huge family stalls.

It would be so much easier and cheaper to be able to visit the local pool but DS pretty much a fully grown man and it would be hugely inappropriate for him to enter a female changing area.

No autism diagnosis should factor in this….these were female changing rooms …the 13 year old is male….he should not be in these changing rooms….end of …..take your kid to a family changing area

Just to clarify, he was the Rambo on the treadmill without a shirt?

Who's then in the women's change rooms?

No, sorry, autism does not mean a 13 yo boy can be in the women’s changing rooms.

And it’s not about what any male ‘needs’. It’s about the respect and safety for women and girls.

It’s not appropriate. The family should talk to the pool about finding some solution, like using a disabled toilet to change or some private room in the facility, if there is no family changing room. Worst case scenario, they may have to find another pool.

Yes, this.

In a way, there's a parallel with the trans issue, in that it centres what a male needs (or claims to need) and automatically seeks to force women and girls to give way and put up with great discomfort and potential threat to their safety in order to accommodate him first and foremost.

Even if the very presence of a 'good' male in there weren't instantly unacceptable (although you'd naturally expect a 'good' male to automatically respect female-only facilities and not seek to enter them, so it's automatically a huge red flag), we're back to the fact that none of the females in there have any way of knowing what any invading male's intentions may be.

Aside from all of the normal concerns about having to share female changing rooms with a male (apart from actual young little lads in with their mums), what about women and girls who also have similar additional needs or concerns? Why do the needs of an autistic boy matter so very much in the female facilities but those of an autistic girl simply don't register as having any importance whatsoever?

That said, we regularly see threads on here with women who believe all men's toilets and changing rooms to be full of marauding predators and/or unsanitary to the point of certain hospitalisation of any user, so they use that as justification for taking their teenage sons into the ladies with them. So they are clearly quite happy to throw their fellow women and girls under the bus and instead centre a male every time - including males who are plenty old enough to actually potentially be one of these unsavoury predator types that their mums are convinced live in all men's toilets and are thus desperate to shield them from.

Women and girls have a right to privacy and it sends a bad message to them saying they should just put up with this. Boundaries and hard lines are important to keep children safe My DC are all Autistic, my boys are too old to go into the girl's change room anymore, but not yet tweens. It took a lot of effort and time but we now have an alternative sorted with cover-ups my DC can wear to and from pool that don't cause sensory issues. I would not take my kids somewhere where there was no alternative than taking my 13 year old boy into or through the women's change room.

I have an autistic son. At 10 he was changing himself in the men's change rooms (always another boy from his class would be in there so not alone). Before that his DF took him or we used the one single change room.

I'm sick of school aged boys in the girls' change room at the DC swim school. It's tiny. The mums just want them to shower before getting dressed. I have no problem now telling them off. There's no room & in the past we've been forced out due to boys using up all the space.

The school is its own building, but keep saying they can't do anything about the change room configuration. They can, just won't spend the money. They've lost lots of families because of it, and I'd leave too, if DD wasn't so close to finishing up.

It’s pretty clear that this mum doesn’t believe rules apply to her or her son. He’s either 16 and old enough to use the gym or under the age of 9 ( the usual age for children to have to use their own sex’s changing rooms, disabled or not).and young enough to enter the woman’s changing room. What are the odds he’s somewhere in between and his mum heavily relies on having young unconfident staff members working at the weekend so she’s not challenged? Autism is often linked with issues with executive function, but that should mean, as you stated, that an older male comes with him or they utilise family or disabled changing facilities if they are unisex and it’s just him and his mum that can go.

Hopefully the manager writes to the member and makes the ages clear ( especially if he is 13 and using the gym when it’s not covered by their insurance and opening the gym up to an expensive law suit if he injures himself or another guest). It’s the gym’s responsibility to insure minors are adequately supervised by their parents, and what’s the chances his mum states she didn’t know the rules if anything dangerous happens ?

"So he has the ability and coordination to run on a treadmill but incapable of dressing himself without mummy?? Utter bullshit. "

No that is possible. I know several young people with autism who would be fine on a treadmill but need constant supervision or support for other tasks.

Although of course he should not be in the female changing room. I am surprised that a leisure club doesn't have an accessible changing room.