Parent taking teenage boy into women's changing room

[JohnnyLuLus]

I need to preface this with this is not about transwomen. This is about parents.

I was swimming with my children today at a leisure club. The gym overlooks the pool.and my teens noticed a boy who looked about their age (13) in the gym. They asked if they could use the gym, but the rules are no under-16s. I explained that the boy was probably older than he looked. All fine. (I was somewhat disgusted by the fact he took off his top to run on the treadmill, but I recognise that's probably my issue).

Anyway, after our.swim my teen boys went off to get changed in the men's changing room, whilst my 11 year old daughter and I went into the ladies.

It's an open-plan changing room - no private space and who should walk in, but the teenage boy and his mother. She kind of ushered him nto the corner and he sat on a bench. I got my daughter to cover up and hurried her along, but she's 11 and autistic so some executive functioning issues, so inevitably was exposed - I stood between her and the boy's line of sight. As I was trying to get her to finish up, the mother came over and said , "is it okay if my little boy walks through". I said "no not really is it, and he shouldn't be in here, he's no little either".
She then said in a defensive voice "Well he's autistic, what am I supposed to do?" and then hurried him.out to the pool.

2/3 of my children are autistic, I get it's hard. But that shouldn't mean a teenage boy is in the open-plan women's changing area. The local leisure centres have family changing.

Being the weekend, the only staff on reception were young weekend staff, but I've left a message for the manager to get back to me tomorrow.

Aibu unreasonable for leaving a message saying we will revoke our membership if they don't make it very clear what their rules are around age limits to the opposite sex changing room?

Your gym should provide disabled changing. Do they?

The whole "mental age Vs actual age" thing is a moot point as the male has still gone through puberty.
My brother is 30, he's more like a 5/6 year old. Very young minded (don't want to say immature but I'm sure you get my point) gets on amazingly with my 6yo as they find the same things hilarious. 😂 Absolutely amazing young man and I love him dearly.
However, he is a man not a child however you slice it. He has urges and feelings that he is unable to fully understand. To be blunt, he will get erections and does masturbate like any 30 year old male as he has been through puberty. Luckily my mum is amazing and has woked hard with him and he now understands that this is absolutely fine but it is private and he must only do it in the privacy of his own room. However some adults with learning difficulties may not understand and shouldn't be placed in a position where they may see things that cause this in public (naked women in general, I'm not saying children's bodies).

This was really awkward to write, I know what I mean in my head but its hard to word, I hope it's not offensive.

Not offensive! This is the sort of thing I meant earlier when I said for the boys/man’s safety they need to not be put in situations they don’t understand or where they might be misunderstood.

Well regardless of your sons disabilities he’s still a teenage boy who shouldn’t be in women’s spaces.

Given that this boy was working out independently in the gym prior to invading the women’s changing room I doubly he’s cognitively a toddler.

You have no idea what the boys cognitive ability is, or whether he was working out independently.

I don’t take my adult dependent autistic son into female changing rooms or toilets. It’s limiting but the facilities we have on offer are what’s on offer we don’t invade. Finding facilities he can use is much easier than finding toilets I can use while keeping him safe. Luckily I have a bladder of steel.

Yes I know that I have repeatedly said I would never take him in a female changing room ,I'm just explaining why some autistic teenagers are not able to care for themselves.

Ask if you can use the disabled toilet to change? I would say your son's medical need for supervision trumps anyone not liking a young boy in the changing room. DS is 10 I still take him in the woman's toilet if I have any doubts about where we are. It's not about men being in a space it's about it being an enclosed space away from supervision regardless of gender.

Given that the OP states she saw him working out on the treadmill I think that gives us a pretty good idea but his cognitive ability is irrelevant he still doesn’t belong in the female changing rooms.

Thank you. I will inquire whether or not they have a disabled toilet or changing room. We are new to his leisure club so not familiar with it.

As I say, when he turns 8. We'll abide by the changing room rule and his Dad can tag along and bring him into the male changing room. For my sons dignity and the privacy of females using the room.

When out and about, I will more often than not bring him into disabled toilets, mostly to the dreaded hand dryers.

It doesn’t give us any idea at all about his cognitive abilities.

his cognitive ability is irrelevant

Then why did you bring it up and make an uninformed sweeping statement about it?

YANBU, autism doesn’t trump everything.

*avoid the dreaded hand dryers

My new neighbour insists on parking two of his vehicles (one a car and the other a truck he uses for his business) in the turning point in our cul de sac. Surely he can't be allowed to do this? We have to do 7 or 9 point turn before we can park our car, unless we reverse all the way down the street to get back out! 😡

It was part of a discussion with a previous poster who was explaining her own autistic child’s cognitive ability as to why he wouldn’t be suitable to be left unattended but agreed that cognitive ability is irrelevant in regards to a male being in a female space…but thanks for your very helpful and thought provoking interjection 😃

There is a hotel manager, but not a leisure club manager on Sunday afternoons apparently. Also at this point my own autistic daughter was getting agitated and we needed to leave.

Right, so she was pointing out (as she has repeatedly) that autism is a wide ranging syndrome that affects people differently, and that it is possible for the boy to be able to use a treadmill but not to change alone (as is the case for one of her sons)

… and your response was that he must be able to change alone because he can use a treadmill. And you think that was helpful and thought provoking?

Also it is a leisure club with quite a few elderly members. I think they could find it quite distressing too.

Are you seriously suggesting a teen using gym equipment independently is at the same functional level as a toddler? As that is what we were actually discussing, regardless of how you try to twist it to fit your own narrative..

You don’t know he was using it independently.

I have no idea of his cognitive abilities- neither do you.

Everyone can read what you posted, I can’t twist it even if I wanted to- it’s down in black and white.

No. That isn't what your posts were about at all. First you said lots of posters thought it was fine that disabled people don't always have facilities. When challenged you quoted a bunch of people saying if the option is a or b, the correct choice is a.

He got back to me and said that he "needs to investigate further" and he takes my concerns "extremely seriously" so would like to discuss it with the full hotel management team.

I'll follow up later in the week if no further contact.

Yanbu. Teenage boy doesn't trump teenage girl changing ..did you raise it with the management...mum was a cf and shouldn't have put her teenage boy in this situation. Safeguarding for both teenage boy and teenage girl.

@Swampsnake, if you go to https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable you’ll see the option to start your own thread. I warn you, people will probably demand a diagram.

SpidersAreShitheads

Thanks very much indeed for your later detailed post (not rambling at all!) - very interesting and much appreciated.