Parent taking teenage boy into women's changing room

[JohnnyLuLus]

I need to preface this with this is not about transwomen. This is about parents.

I was swimming with my children today at a leisure club. The gym overlooks the pool.and my teens noticed a boy who looked about their age (13) in the gym. They asked if they could use the gym, but the rules are no under-16s. I explained that the boy was probably older than he looked. All fine. (I was somewhat disgusted by the fact he took off his top to run on the treadmill, but I recognise that's probably my issue).

Anyway, after our.swim my teen boys went off to get changed in the men's changing room, whilst my 11 year old daughter and I went into the ladies.

It's an open-plan changing room - no private space and who should walk in, but the teenage boy and his mother. She kind of ushered him nto the corner and he sat on a bench. I got my daughter to cover up and hurried her along, but she's 11 and autistic so some executive functioning issues, so inevitably was exposed - I stood between her and the boy's line of sight. As I was trying to get her to finish up, the mother came over and said , "is it okay if my little boy walks through". I said "no not really is it, and he shouldn't be in here, he's no little either".
She then said in a defensive voice "Well he's autistic, what am I supposed to do?" and then hurried him.out to the pool.

2/3 of my children are autistic, I get it's hard. But that shouldn't mean a teenage boy is in the open-plan women's changing area. The local leisure centres have family changing.

Being the weekend, the only staff on reception were young weekend staff, but I've left a message for the manager to get back to me tomorrow.

Aibu unreasonable for leaving a message saying we will revoke our membership if they don't make it very clear what their rules are around age limits to the opposite sex changing room?

There are so many different reasons that women rely on single sex spaces. The fact that a male with a severe learning disability doesn't present a physical threat doesn't negate all of the many other valid reasons because some may be psychological/emotional/cultural.

Yes, absolutely.

Anybody who suggests that the only males who should be excluded from female-only facilities (except genuinely little lads) are those who definitely/probably/hopefully don't pose a physical threat to the women and girls using it is setting the misogyny bar very high indeed.

Why should women have to justify not wanting to see a male changing, not wanting a male to see them changing, or even just a male being present full stop - without being slapped down with the assertion that 'he won't assault you, so what problem could you possibly have'?

Functionality isn’t linear though. Being able to do one thing doesn’t indicate their abilities in other areas.

ds is 15 and in a mainstream school but still needs a lot of help with intimate care. He often goes in the fitness suite on the treadmill or bike during PE lessons as he struggles with a lot of the PE course but with support can manage a bit of time in the fitness suite. (Not the whole lesson and very slow but enough to get some benefit from it!)

No - I thought this was clear from my OP, apologies.

There is a men's and a women's changing room (Women's is very small, I presume the men's is too). It's not a fancy gym, it's a very small leisure club attached to a very modest hotel. We joined because it is generally quiet, good value, and a short distance from home.

They should still provide accessible changing and toilets (not that that means the lad was ok in the ladies- it just means the owners are arseholes).

They absolutely should provide a separate accessible changing room / disabled loo. They need pulling up on this. It is discriminatory. I have an adult ds with LD. I would expect to use a disabled loo or changing room or there to be cubicles we could use.

I agree they should. But in the situation yesterday they weren't going to magic one up.
I absolutely am aware of the lack of access for disabled and neurodivergent people, there are many places that we as a family are not able to go to because the world is designed from an able-bodied neurotypical perspective. There are many places that I find difficult as an autistic woman. It's dreadful, but in this instance I am talking about a particular situation and wanted a wider perspective.

Oh absolutely- I agree he shouldn’t have been in there. The mum should have asked staff to find them a space. I was just saying it drives me mad how crap accessibility is.

No, I have said people are getting upset about the effect, which is someone in the wrong place, and ignoring the cause. They should be upset that the lack of provision caused someone to make the wrong choice. I have never said that b should be the choice.

If you say so.

I disagree with this too. It's fine to be annoyed at someone choosing b.

It’s fine, but @SprigatitoYouAndIKnow is correct that it ignores the cause of the mistake and doesn’t do anything to improve the situation.

I know ppl here are saying that allowances should be made for the boy being autistic, but personally as a 20 yr old woman I would have been HORRIFIED. I hate open changing areas anyway. Not because I'm shy but because other ppl might be, and I certainly wouldn't accept anyone over 5 with a p being in the room!

I would say 5 years old feels very young as a cutoff point. Completely understand and support the need for single sex changing rooms - but a 5 yr old could still be in reception at primary school. That’s very young to say no more beyond that point.

My personal cutoff point would probably be around 8 yrs old. I’m sure there used to be signs at our pools to say 8 yrs old had to use the correct changing room for their sex (or words to that effect).

Can't the mother just accompany him in the men's changing area? (if he really needs help changing his clothes, and there are no separate unisex facilities)?

No, just no.

Nearly every public facility I’ve ever been to with separate changing rooms has 8 years old as the cut off stage for being in the opposite gender changing room.

Being autistic doesn’t simply overrule every other safeguarding/social etiquette policies that have been put in place.

The fact that the staff there have no idea on changing room rules is extremely concerning.

How on earth is that different?? Adults can not go in to opposite gender changing rooms. If men aren’t allowed into female changing rooms with their daughters, women are not allowed in male changing rooms with their sons.

As this gym provides family changing, then clearly his mother should have taken him in there to change. I'd be complaining to the manager too.

OK let's split the difference and say 6½! But seriously I think only over 5s should be allowed if it's individual changing rooms. I wouldn't want 7 or 8 year old boys to see me changing. I know from experience with my brother what boys are like!

6 would still be in infant school though - I honestly think that a child in infant school is fine to go in with its parent.

7 & 8 year olds still get changed in front of the opposite sex in infant schools.

Junior school - yes, fair enough. I can see why that would start to make people uncomfortable.

Also, maybe it’s a regional thing but all the pools round here have cubicles for at least part of the space - there’s always the option to use a cubicle. Even at private gyms - and I’ve been to plenty over the years - there always at least a couple of cubicles, even though no one usually uses them. I don’t think I’ve ever been anywhere where there are absolutely no cubicles whatsoever.