Parent taking teenage boy into women's changing room

[JohnnyLuLus]

I need to preface this with this is not about transwomen. This is about parents.

I was swimming with my children today at a leisure club. The gym overlooks the pool.and my teens noticed a boy who looked about their age (13) in the gym. They asked if they could use the gym, but the rules are no under-16s. I explained that the boy was probably older than he looked. All fine. (I was somewhat disgusted by the fact he took off his top to run on the treadmill, but I recognise that's probably my issue).

Anyway, after our.swim my teen boys went off to get changed in the men's changing room, whilst my 11 year old daughter and I went into the ladies.

It's an open-plan changing room - no private space and who should walk in, but the teenage boy and his mother. She kind of ushered him nto the corner and he sat on a bench. I got my daughter to cover up and hurried her along, but she's 11 and autistic so some executive functioning issues, so inevitably was exposed - I stood between her and the boy's line of sight. As I was trying to get her to finish up, the mother came over and said , "is it okay if my little boy walks through". I said "no not really is it, and he shouldn't be in here, he's no little either".
She then said in a defensive voice "Well he's autistic, what am I supposed to do?" and then hurried him.out to the pool.

2/3 of my children are autistic, I get it's hard. But that shouldn't mean a teenage boy is in the open-plan women's changing area. The local leisure centres have family changing.

Being the weekend, the only staff on reception were young weekend staff, but I've left a message for the manager to get back to me tomorrow.

Aibu unreasonable for leaving a message saying we will revoke our membership if they don't make it very clear what their rules are around age limits to the opposite sex changing room?

In an open plan changing room, that’s not on. Different if there were individual cubicles.

And it’s not about what any male ‘needs’. It’s about the respect and safety for women and girls.

Sums it up.

Not that i would choose to take my son into a female changing room however
My son is 14 severely autistic non verbal needs full assistance with self care ,
But he independently goes on the tread
mill at his special school
I'm sick of people not understanding the vastness of the spectrum and how for some, its incredibly disabling .

Whilst I wouldn't take my severely autistic o son into a female changing room, agin it's a huge spectrum ,my son has no concept of beng embarrassed, he has very limited understanding of the world around him.

@Soontobe60 most pools have an age limit of 7 or 8, which is reasonable. 5 is too young I'd say.

Exactly!

@PiggieWig unisex changing AS WELL AS single sex areas please, not instead of. All options available is the best solution.

He shouldn’t be in there but I think the bigger issue is why a facility that provides gym and swimming doesn’t have closed cubicles or a family changing room etc.

in 2024 where we have more children with additional needs that ever before it is about time places catered for this and provided adequate provisions. This doesn’t detract from people being where they shouldn’t and someone of that age should not be in a opposite sex changing room, but the facility should also provide better facilities so when you make your complaint make this an element too.

Yes, my 10 year old wouldn’t think twice about this- he doesn’t have the social understanding.

Its shit that whenever something like this is posted on here so many people jump to ableism.

claims that “they know a disabled person who can do X so everyone can”/ or “if he can do X then he can do Y”/ or “wheeling out the disability excuse”/or “well disabled people just can’t go there” etc etc

Its perfectly possible to make the point that big lads (usually 9 and up in my experience) shouldn’t be in female changing rooms without resorting to punching down on other vulnerable groups in society.

but the facility should also provide better facilities so when you make your complaint make this an element too.

Yes, thank you!

If all the able bodied people who find themselves upset/inconvenienced/threatened because of situations like this where the problem would be solved by adequate accessible facilities- or even just see a carer struggling to make the best of a shit situation- complained to the venue about the lack of accessibility for disabled people, we might actually have a chance of things improving.

@JohnnyLuLus You also takes the issue of changing facilities. There are still some places that do not provide these in the men’s toilets only women’s. It boggles the mind how this is seen as acceptable in this day and age. It’s about time there is a uniform approach to providing facilities to all parents whether that be family changing rooms or baby changing facilities across all toilets etc.

Don't take him then. Women shouldn't feel invaded for any reason.

Absolutely if there were better facilities for disabled adults/ children, no one would be inconvenienced

I hope you mean AS WELL AS, not INSTEAD OF

I would not be happy with this at all - but the mother did go some way to explain the situation and ask for your permission.
It's not as cut and dry as it might seem and, as mothers, sometimes we have to accommodate.
Saying that, my girls would be mortified if there was a teenage boy in their single sex space.

I would think the level of autism that need mum to supervise and help with dressing at 16 is disabled enough to use the disabled facilities which are normally for one person and a carer at a time. She might get some tuts as people have different views on disability too but it seems more appropriate than him in the womens room, or her in the mens room.

Why is it always women who ‘have to accommodate?’

Honestly, it’s exhausting.

"I honestly wouldn't have had an issue with this, if he is so disabled that he cannot be left alone to change he is more likely to be a victim than a predator."

This is about dignity for all. A 13 year old boy doesn't belong in a female changing room regardless of his level of understanding.

No, we don't have to accommodate men or older boys in women's changing spaces.

No this is so wrong. My brother has severe learning and physical difficulties, my mum would NEVER ever take him into a women's changing room.
I would be furious.

I have an autistic son with high needs when he is a teenager no way would I have him in womens changing room. I would only take him somewhere with individual cubicles / disabled changing. So I don't think you're being remotely unreasonable.

I’d feel very uncomfortable if a man bought his teenage daughter into the male changing room, so fully understand the concern, but wouldn’t it be better if leisure clubs provided some family changing areas as most council run leisure centres do

We need parents to push the companies to provide adequate facilities for all, it shouldn’t be that the default is to expect and in turn teach our girls that their needs are trumped by others.

We were members of a gym that had the facilities. Separate family changing rooms with adequate large disabled changing room. But one Mum had no problem bringing her son into the female changing rooms (that is open planned) give him a phone while she dealt with her daughter. When asked why - it was busy in the family changing room. It meant my daughter was uncomfortable and she didn’t want to swim anymore. Yes her son may not be a risk to my daughter BUT it made my daughter uncomfortable and she didn’t feel safe in a state of vulnerability undressed. I could have used the family disabled rooms as they’re private - but I’m respectful of the fact they aren’t for us to use and should be only for the people that need them.
The fault lies at companies needing to provide adequate facilities and for the parents to use them. It’s become the norm for the girls to accept their space isn’t theirs, so in turn not feel safe & not have a voice to challenge it.

Well it's not "a difficult one" is it because an adult 6'4 male has no business EVER being in a women's changing room.

It’s difficult for disabled people and their carers/families.