Parent taking teenage boy into women's changing room

[JohnnyLuLus]

I need to preface this with this is not about transwomen. This is about parents.

I was swimming with my children today at a leisure club. The gym overlooks the pool.and my teens noticed a boy who looked about their age (13) in the gym. They asked if they could use the gym, but the rules are no under-16s. I explained that the boy was probably older than he looked. All fine. (I was somewhat disgusted by the fact he took off his top to run on the treadmill, but I recognise that's probably my issue).

Anyway, after our.swim my teen boys went off to get changed in the men's changing room, whilst my 11 year old daughter and I went into the ladies.

It's an open-plan changing room - no private space and who should walk in, but the teenage boy and his mother. She kind of ushered him nto the corner and he sat on a bench. I got my daughter to cover up and hurried her along, but she's 11 and autistic so some executive functioning issues, so inevitably was exposed - I stood between her and the boy's line of sight. As I was trying to get her to finish up, the mother came over and said , "is it okay if my little boy walks through". I said "no not really is it, and he shouldn't be in here, he's no little either".
She then said in a defensive voice "Well he's autistic, what am I supposed to do?" and then hurried him.out to the pool.

2/3 of my children are autistic, I get it's hard. But that shouldn't mean a teenage boy is in the open-plan women's changing area. The local leisure centres have family changing.

Being the weekend, the only staff on reception were young weekend staff, but I've left a message for the manager to get back to me tomorrow.

Aibu unreasonable for leaving a message saying we will revoke our membership if they don't make it very clear what their rules are around age limits to the opposite sex changing room?

If you think it's OK to bring your 13/16 year old son to the Ladies changing you can get to fuck.

And be sure I would be a) challenging it in situ and b) strongly complaining to management.

Women and girls are entitled to privacy. That is all.

So I should send my 6 year old son into the MEN'S changing room on his own? What the fuck

No- but if he has a female carer it’s a total ballache when there aren’t adequate disabled facilities.

When these situations occur the only thing to do is make a fuss so that the staff provides an appropriate space- sometimes by closing one of the sex based changing rooms for 10 minutes.

No.
The mum can take him in the men's then (I don't think she should but let's make men uncomfortable - there will ba a quick resolution Then)

It is not about predators. It is about women and girls' dignity and privacy. And the teen boy's come to that.

There was another choice here though, wasn’t there? The mother could have gone to the men’s room and changed there. Why was she expecting other women to subject themselves to something she was not willing to subject herself to?
Or perhaps she thought the men would be uncomfortable at her presence and object. Notice how men’s spaces and wishes are seen as inviolable but women’s are not

This. Why didnt the mum take him in the mens changing room herself? I am presuming its because she didnt want to change in front of males. Well, same applies to other women doesnt it? Why is her comfort more important than other women in the changing room?

But it is a rule that no males over a certain age can be in the changing room.

5 is too young IMO. I accept that my 7 year old will likely have to change in a male changing room on his own soon and he is capable and sensible. He will probably be less distracted than when he's trying to talk to me about Minecraft! But I would not expect a 5 year old to be capable of getting ready themselves after swimming and shout out if there was an issue. They learn a lot of independence skills between age 4 and at age 8/9.

My friend manages this by simply going in first, popping her head round the door and checking the space is empty or that people are ok/ ready enough. If not they wait until the space is free. They use the space quickly and let others know.
It seems to work ok. My issue is the just walking in without checking. Sometimes there’s no other space, but you can be considerate.
If the men’s is quieter they have used that in the same way

It's a small health club attached to a modest hotel. They don't really do much with the health club, it's there, it's functioning, but it's not had an update for quite a while I'd say.

A good idea in theory, our local baths changed to unisex changing room but there is nowhere near enough cubicles so invariably there are men getting changed in the open area (which isn't large!) . I hate it, so I've stopped going altogether.

Clearly not- my 6 year old nephew can’t even open the doors at the leisure centre because they are heavy fire doors- never mind successfully negotiate a room full of potentially naked men.

Pretty much everywhere I’ve been has a rule that 8 and under can go in the opposite sex changing rooms.

Young girls and women should not have to change in front of a teenage boy, no matter what his diagnosis is. My lo has autism and is 11, no way would I take him into a women’s changing room, it would probably be just as uncomfortable for him as he’s also having to get undressed in front of a room full of women, its not right the mother should not have taken him there.

13 is too old to be in a female changing room. But I'm genuinely shocked that some are suggesting actual little children should go get changed on their own. This is why cubicles are important in either the men's or women's changing rooms some women don't want to change in front of other women and vice versa. What about if a dad took his daughter swimming who was only 5? 🤔

I think this is a huge issue. Even when there are family facilities available in women's changing rooms/ toilets etc there are rarely any in the men's. I guess this is part of how women's spaces became the default for situations like this one.
My partner could never change nappies etc because the changing facilities were often in the women's toilet.

A pool near us is similar, cubicles only but not enough, and it is a nightmare trying to get changed. Center parcs works, but their changing area is massive, which most council pools (or private ones, for that matter) just can’t match. Single sex communal changing is often the best use of space.

But there’s plenty of evidence that unisex changing rooms are more dangerous for women and girls. Have a unisex option, fine, but keep single sex spaces - female ones at least.

I know the OP said this wasn’t about trans, but presumably if a man walked into the changing room & defended his presence by saying he was a woman, she wouldn’t have been happy. It simply doesn’t make sense that one scenario is ok and the other one isn’t.

I think YABU to compare her autistic son to your children with autism. You do not know his specific vulnerabilities.

I think its odd there's still open plan changing. I thought it was all cubical now and a couple of larger ones for family changing. Also disabied/disability changing
Seems it needs an upgrade to me.

Teenage boy definitely should not be in female open plan changing. I totally get that. And agree he should not be in there. But the posts with my child is autistic and he/she don't... every autistic person is different so we should not be comparing. The mum was wrong but we don't know what she's going through.

At my gym if the children are 8 or over they have to go in their own sex change rooms. There is a family changing room also which anyone can use.
The boy and his mother should have used the family change if there was one. If not and he can’t be trusted to walk through the mens changing room alone then unfortunately she can’t take him swimming I wouldn’t be bothered about him in the gym. Kids 13 and over can use ours and it’s often full of teens.

The needs of the child / teenager doesn't trump the needs of the women to have a private single sex space

But you know there is a huge range of ability with people who are autistic.
My autistic son will be fully capable of living by himself and leading a "normal" life.
My friends autistic son will be wearing nappies his entire life and can't speak a single word.
It's up to the pool really to provide somewhere suitable for family changing.

@anonai but focusing on ages and sexes is not the way to go

Umm yes it fucking IS!!

It's completely inappropriate for him to be there due to his age and sex.

That's the whole point.

That was exactly my thought. Her "little boy" needs to be kept out of women's spaces.

I've had to send my sons into separate changing rooms from me since they were 8 or 9 as per the rules.

Also autistic. It's nerve wracking but you have to prime them and wait at the exit for them.

IMO it's better that I am there and prepared (only if absolutely necessary) to announce myself clearly and go into the men's than for older boys to be in the women's.

Municipal leisure centres tend to have cubicles in a mixed sex area which can be better, or many places have family changing rooms.

Being a mum of sons has challenges, and is one of the reasons I was not as opposed to SOME unisex / gender neutral toilets as some other feminists.