Parent taking teenage boy into women's changing room

[JohnnyLuLus]

I need to preface this with this is not about transwomen. This is about parents.

I was swimming with my children today at a leisure club. The gym overlooks the pool.and my teens noticed a boy who looked about their age (13) in the gym. They asked if they could use the gym, but the rules are no under-16s. I explained that the boy was probably older than he looked. All fine. (I was somewhat disgusted by the fact he took off his top to run on the treadmill, but I recognise that's probably my issue).

Anyway, after our.swim my teen boys went off to get changed in the men's changing room, whilst my 11 year old daughter and I went into the ladies.

It's an open-plan changing room - no private space and who should walk in, but the teenage boy and his mother. She kind of ushered him nto the corner and he sat on a bench. I got my daughter to cover up and hurried her along, but she's 11 and autistic so some executive functioning issues, so inevitably was exposed - I stood between her and the boy's line of sight. As I was trying to get her to finish up, the mother came over and said , "is it okay if my little boy walks through". I said "no not really is it, and he shouldn't be in here, he's no little either".
She then said in a defensive voice "Well he's autistic, what am I supposed to do?" and then hurried him.out to the pool.

2/3 of my children are autistic, I get it's hard. But that shouldn't mean a teenage boy is in the open-plan women's changing area. The local leisure centres have family changing.

Being the weekend, the only staff on reception were young weekend staff, but I've left a message for the manager to get back to me tomorrow.

Aibu unreasonable for leaving a message saying we will revoke our membership if they don't make it very clear what their rules are around age limits to the opposite sex changing room?

YANBU, his needs do not override the needs of the women and girls in the changing room. His mum needs to take him somewhere with family changing rooms or similar.

Is there no family or disabled changing. ? My ds is 8 and needs to be with an adult. We go to swimming pools that provide family changing.

What goes through someone's mind when they see a ladies changing room and think ' oh but that doesn't apply to me /my child'. Surely the teen was mortified too?

It isn't appropriate at that age, but I think you should approach it without threats around cancelling membership in the first instance.

I’m sorry your daughter had to experience that.
I have an autistic DS and it would take him ages in the men’s because of drying and wet things touching dry things and the order of putting things on, but no matter how frustrating, I waited outside for him. Over time he has got much better. He just takes ages and we wait for him. He would never have been in the women’s changing room with me at this age.

I have a daughter too and it boils my blood that the other mum would assume that her son’s needs outweigh your daughters. What if you were not there to advocate for her, would she be just expected to along with it and change?

Assuming there is no disabled changing space. YABU

As our autistic girls also have to put up with this crap, rather than autism trumps everything, it’s having a penis that trumps everything.

YANBU OP family changing rooms are the answer here, not the destruction of female boundaries.

Don't take him in the women's changing fgs

It absolutely IS the way to go. Regardless of anyone’s disabilities, single sex changing rooms should be just that. I would say that boys under 5 are OK in female changing rooms, but any older then it’s a no. The females should not have to find themselves exposed to males ever. If a female parent has a male child with a disability, then she should use the disabled access changing facilities.

If he was able enough to be in the gym, he is able enough to get dressed in the men's or wait outside surely?

Why? Are you saying that it’s wrong for a female to not want a male in her space when she’s getting changed?

Sounds like she was doing her best- she asked if it was ok for him to walk through which a lot of people wouldn't these days as they are so entitled. It sounds like the set up is such that there isn't a unisex changing facility. You might decide that if a male family member can't come with us then we either don't swim or we swim at the local leisure centre with family changing but that's your choice it's not a rule and it would be disability discrimination to say "you can't come here go somewhere else"

I would assume his mum knows that better than us

it’s really simple. It has to be based on chronological age or adult males with dementia would be able to enter female changing rooms along as they had regressed to a childlike state? In order to maintain dignity for all, if disabled unisex spaces are not available, the sex of the disabled person should determine the space used, not the sex of their carer, no matter what the relationship between the carer and the person requiring care. This needs to be enshrined in law if it hasn’t been already.

I have an autistic son who needs my support. If there is no family change and we can't use the disabled change we don't go. Woman's and girls rights are not trumped by disability

then they should use the family changing rooms. It's that simple (both of mine are autistic and we do just that). anything else isn't appropriate.

She's blatantly ignoring at least one rule. I'd say he's probably not even 16 either and shouldn't be using the gym. Surely there's disabled facilities somewhere in the gym she could use?
Next time speak up the second she walks in with him. Young boys is fine, completely inappropriate for him to be in the women's and honesty it's not fair on him either.

Why didn't the mum take him into the men's changing room then?
Equality and all that? Why is it always the other way round?

Doesn’t matter what she knows, males should not be in female changing rooms over the age of 8.

Again, it is never about what the male needs; that’s irrelevant.

YANBU. He shouldn’t have been in the female changing room, autism doesn’t factor here. They need to go elsewhere if the changing facilities don’t work for them at this place. Autism doesn’t mean someone isn’t capable of abusing others. It was an autistic paedophile that abused me as a child.

Ds is 14, he has autism amongst other disabilities and can’t change independently.

It means I have plan ahead, I have to make sure somewhere has suitable disabled facilities. I stopped taking him into female only spaces when he was about 7 both for his dignity and the dignity of others. It has also helped teach him to respect women’s boundaries.

This. Boys over a certain age and men have to use the make changing room. If there are health reasons why they can't, the parents have to find a sports facility where family changing is available and use that - most places now seem to have something.

They don't get to take over the female changing room.

I find it difficult to believe this happened. The mother would have received a bad response the first time she tried this. The chances of her swanning in with a teenage boy and expecting no pushback is zero. She would know by now exactly which pools had family changing areas and only use these pools, or discussed alternative options with the staff ages ago.