Parent taking teenage boy into women's changing room

[JohnnyLuLus]

I need to preface this with this is not about transwomen. This is about parents.

I was swimming with my children today at a leisure club. The gym overlooks the pool.and my teens noticed a boy who looked about their age (13) in the gym. They asked if they could use the gym, but the rules are no under-16s. I explained that the boy was probably older than he looked. All fine. (I was somewhat disgusted by the fact he took off his top to run on the treadmill, but I recognise that's probably my issue).

Anyway, after our.swim my teen boys went off to get changed in the men's changing room, whilst my 11 year old daughter and I went into the ladies.

It's an open-plan changing room - no private space and who should walk in, but the teenage boy and his mother. She kind of ushered him nto the corner and he sat on a bench. I got my daughter to cover up and hurried her along, but she's 11 and autistic so some executive functioning issues, so inevitably was exposed - I stood between her and the boy's line of sight. As I was trying to get her to finish up, the mother came over and said , "is it okay if my little boy walks through". I said "no not really is it, and he shouldn't be in here, he's no little either".
She then said in a defensive voice "Well he's autistic, what am I supposed to do?" and then hurried him.out to the pool.

2/3 of my children are autistic, I get it's hard. But that shouldn't mean a teenage boy is in the open-plan women's changing area. The local leisure centres have family changing.

Being the weekend, the only staff on reception were young weekend staff, but I've left a message for the manager to get back to me tomorrow.

Aibu unreasonable for leaving a message saying we will revoke our membership if they don't make it very clear what their rules are around age limits to the opposite sex changing room?

YANBU

I would not regard invading women and girls privacy and dignity as a reasonable adjustment.

I’m sick of women and girls, because they are women and girls, being expected to accept being collateral damage to accommodate others.

Nope.
No disabled space still doesn't mean males can enter female only spaces.

Yanbu.
Why didn’t the mother go in the mens changing room for that matter?

It’s not discrimination though to say he’s not allowed in the female changing room. If there’s no disabled changing facility then she should take it up with the gym, not go into the female changing room. Unbelievable that some people think this is ok.

I don't think it's ok I think there should be a set of unisex accessible changing rooms in everywhere that offers similar facilities. There aren't though so what's a person with a disability going to do? They either muddle through best they can or they don't go and get further excluded from society

If it’s a completely desperate situation then you shout in and use the male changing area. Not ideal but the least bad option.

why is it always the female areas that have to open up to everyone?

Exactly. If she thinks it’s ok for random young men to see naked women they don’t know she can go and expose herself in the mens! But she wouldn’t would she because she knows it’s not right. And also in reality it’s not fair to inflict herself on the men either who will also be getting changed!

There must be a disabled toilet cubicle someone and I know that’s not ideal but if she doesn’t like that she goes to the leisure centre instead. She has options, the OP’s Dd had all her choices taken away from her and had to be naked infront of a 16yo male.

and unless he has significant learning difficulty linked to his autism I doubt mummy goes to school with him every day to change him for PE. Op- did he seem capable of dressing himself? Or was she actually dressing him?

In our swimming baths I explain that my grandson is ASD and they direct us to the disabled changing rooms.

This comment really shows how low women and girls are in the eyes of some. It’s our job to put ourselves last to accommodate others. Women should not expect there to be a safe, respectful, dignified space for them ever, because some male may ‘need’ to enter it.

There was another choice here though, wasn’t there? The mother could have gone to the men’s room and changed there. Why was she expecting other women to subject themselves to something she was not willing to subject herself to?
Or perhaps she thought the men would be uncomfortable at her presence and object. Notice how men’s spaces and wishes are seen as inviolable but women’s are not.

They don’t middle through in the female changing room though, that’s a hard line. If the facilitates aren’t there for them they need to take it up with management or go elsewhere, not go into the female changing room.

It’s really simple. It has to be based on chronological age or adult males with dementia would be able to enter female changing rooms along as they had regressed to a childlike state? In order to maintain dignity for all, if disabled unisex spaces are not available, the sex of the disabled person should determine the space used, not the sex of their carer, no matter what the relationship between the carer and the person requiring care. This needs to be enshrined in law if it hasn’t been already

Exactly this. My dad developed dementia in his 70s and enjoyed swimming/exercise. He required support to get dressed, if you dont go by age, that means it is ok for me to bring him into the women's changing room as having dementia was not his fault after all and it was a cognitive impairment. Its not ok and women have the right to have spaces that are male free.

@Dayatthebeach

"The mother could have gone to the men’s room and changed there. Why was she expecting other women to subject themselves to something she was not willing to subject herself to"

Absolutely this.

The lad is 16! Completely inappropriate!

They should've used the family change or she as a last resort should've gone into the men's.

I would rather feel uncomfortable myself in the men's rather than subjects a load of women and young girls to a 16 year old lad!

By the sound of your post OP, was he even changing? If not he could've waited outside!

Glad you phoned the manager. They need a family room.

No opposite sexes over 7 at my gym / pool. There's a family changing room. Why isn't there a similar facility here?

Lack of disabled spaces doesn't mean open access to female spaces.

Then we don't go. Disability sometimes means not being able to do things. We don't get to disregard women's dignity and safety to counteract that.

But does this mean that a physically disabled man needing assistance would also be ok in the women's changing if there are no accessible facilities?

YANBU I will be in this situation (as in the mother's situation) when my DC is older. He is autistic with no speech, no toilet capabilities and is unable to dress himself. Even now when we go swimming (he's 5) we go to the family area to change him or into the disabled toilets as sometimes unfortunately there will be a poo disaster which needs fixing after swimming.

If I go with him myself (which is rare as he is a big boy and I find it quite hard on my own so DH is usually there too with our youngest) it's always to the disabled or family area. I wouldn't take him into the female open area it's not fair on the women and girls in there. I feel this now when he is only 5 so yes, as a teenager I would find that even worse! She's not thinking or likely assuming that autism is her trump card. Dignity, privacy and safety of women and girls away from the gaze of men and boys is essential regardless of other factors.

Sounds like a really ‘dated’ leisure centre. Our local centre has male and female changing plus a large family one, all with private cubicles as well as open space. I’d be tempted to move to one with better changing facilities.

@crumbpet, best they can is the disabled person using the changing room as per their sex, with support from their carer, this is the only way to preserve the dignity of the disabled person as well as anyone else using that area. A teenager should never have to expose their body parts to people of the opposite sex without their express consent in order to accommodate the rights of another teenager, whatever their diagnosis . Disability Discrimination legislation does not trump that right.

Because they don't have to and it likely depends on the owner. I honestly wouldn't have had an issue with this, if he is so disabled that he cannot be left alone to change he is more likely to be a victim than a predator. It's never bothered me so if I was setting something up the only reason to do it would be financial.

If it bothers you OP what about investing in a dry robe that DD can change into her underwear in.

Sadly it happens quite a lot judging by the number of threads I've seen on here. And these parents do know, they just think their child's needs trump everyone else's

The kid shouldn’t have been in the ladies changing room obviously-

but it’s perfectly possible that he is able to run on a treadmill and still not be safe to be left to wait/change alone- the family needs to use the disabled facilities or to insist on being given another suitable place if the gym has decided to ignore the law and not provide one.

There is no need to make a valid point by minimising or dismissing disabilities.

It’s a difficult one because my friends brother is 6’4” and huge but emotionally he is around 6 years old.

I also used to work with ND teenagers up to the ages of 18, all of which were emotionally much younger than their appearance.

I do not envy these parents when they have little ones too or dads with teenager daughters who can’t be left alone.

But this is why it is so important to have cubicles or mixed sex spaces.

I think you were very rude about him taking his top off on the treadmill and it sounds like you had an issue with him from the start.
Many men and women take their tops off when in the gym.

But the mum should have taken him into the male changing room if there were no alternatives, even if it put herself at risk when getting changed.

I don’t think you needed to be as rude though because it’s obviously a very difficult situation for her and you should be thankful that you aren’t in the same boat as her.

Just no. He should not be in the women's changing rooms for any reason, if the facilities aren't there then you go somewhere else