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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just want to go home after work?

210 replies

ManukaNourished · 10/05/2024 11:02

I would genuinely like some outside perspectives here as I am not sure who - if anyone - is BU.

I am a single parent to one child and work full time 9.30 to 5.30. DS is 8 and attends After School Club until 6pm three days a week. The other two days my DP collect him straight from school and look after him.

Due to my commute I cannot collect him from After School Club on time, so my DP pick him up and take him back to their house.

So he is at his grandparent's house every day after school and I am very grateful for their help and support and active involvement in his life. I arrive at their house at about 6.30pm to collect him.

My DM has made it very clear that she expects me to stay and socialise with them. She gets upset and offended if I only stay for long enough to say Hi etc, then collect DS and go.

So I usually stay for at least half an hour, usually an hour or longer. It is not unusual for DS and I to get home after 8pm.

Sometimes I really want to just get straight home and be at home and relax, but I recognise DPs are massively helping me out with DS. I don't want to upset DM and have her think I am taking them for granted and just using them for childcare.

One day last week I was at their house after work and felt particularly frazzled and, thinking I was alone, I whined aloud to myself "I just want to gooooo hoooome". My DM overheard me 😳

Now she is really angry and upset with me. Is she reasonable to feel like this or am I reasonable to sometimes want to just quickly scoop up DS and leave without feeling like I am being rude?

OP posts:
RhymesWithHaliborange · 10/05/2024 11:04

You really need to re-organise your childcare because both sides have a point.

of course you just want to get home, and of course your parents are doing this to feel connected to the outside world and don’t want to feel used.

Coldupnorth87 · 10/05/2024 11:04

You need more time to yourselves, I would try to find alternative care or work pattern. Hard tho it is.

They are being unreasonable, you must both be knackered.

Original poster
ManukaNourished · 10/05/2024 11:15

Thank you both. I used to work from 9 til 5 but that created a childcare problem before school.

Yes I think I will have to request flexible working and see if my employer will accept me doing reduced hours.

OP posts:
Blanketpolicy · 10/05/2024 11:22

Sounds like your mum just wants to see her own dd and not feel like a childminder. Have a chat with her and explain how exhausted you are working FT and commuting, and at that point your day hasn't ended as you still need to get dc home, dinner, homework, hear about their day at school and to bed and you are struggling with it all.

It feels rude to you too just picking up and running, but at that point of the day you are just so frazzled and would rather spend quality time with them when you are relaxed and will enjoy it more. Lay it on thick how import

Do you see them any time other than at pick ups?

Withswitch · 10/05/2024 11:24

This is the problem with free childcare, you can't really dictate the terms. I would pay for a childminder or suck up the hour at your DPs.

LadyDanburysHat · 10/05/2024 11:30

I had this with my MIL, she asked DH if she had done something to upset me as I would collect the DC and go home. What was even more annoying is that I would make sure I stayed for a good while one day of the 3 that the DC were there, as I knew she would be like this.

Soonenough · 10/05/2024 11:32

Could you have an arrangement for awhile at weekends ? Take her to lunch or tea . It is a small price to pay for good childcare . I am actually surprised she is not greeting you at the door with him to get herself some space.

alsuoo · 10/05/2024 11:32

I completely understand how you feel, but if you don't have the kind of relationship where you can have an honest conversation with your mum about this without huge negativity, the only way around it will be find alternative childcare (or to tolerate it on your mum's terms).

Original poster
ManukaNourished · 10/05/2024 11:33

@Blanketpolicy Yes, DS and I often go over on weekends and spend a day with them, or we all go on days out together. It probably averages out to every other weekend.

OP posts:
TomaytoTomaato · 10/05/2024 11:34

Could you reach a compromise - suggest that one day a week you stay for a catch up but other days you pick up and head home straight away?
Would they be willing to do dinner for you so you all eat together at 6.30 on the night you stay longer?

Allfur · 10/05/2024 11:34

I think I'd enjoy hanging out with my mum

Fraggamama · 10/05/2024 11:34

That sounds really hard, of course you just want to get home after a long day!

Could you tell your parents you are having to reorganise your day at work so will be starting at 9am so could they cover before school instead of after? That way you could just drop him at theirs as run as you'd be on way to work and you'd do the after school club pick up yourself?

Chirawehaha · 10/05/2024 11:35

The price of the ‘free’ childcare from your DP is a bit of your time. You gave the choice of paying it or actually paying someone to provide childcare. That’s really all it boils down to. Either choice is valid. I don’t think anybody is BU.

One day last week I was at their house after work and felt particularly frazzled and, thinking I was alone, I whined aloud to myself "I just want to gooooo hoooome"

This bit, I don’t get. You’re not a character in a sitcom. Why are you wandering about ‘whining aloud’ to yourself? It’s passive aggressive communication and, for that, YABU.

CommentNow · 10/05/2024 11:41

Yanbu.

If you can't find a solution, try and make that time work for you or manipulate your way away from it.

Start by bringing over a smelly microwave meal every time to eat there. Start staying late or asking to stay over. Ask to see them on a weekend day and be there all day. Be very very enthusiastic and chatty, put a little music on and dance with DS. MIX IT UP A BIT.

From their point of view though, is this the only time they see you and are trying to squeeze out more time than you have mental capacity to give? Could you have a serious chat with your mum and say you love seeing them but they are catching you at your most frazzled and you want to see them properly. Maybe ask for a family day out once a month or the them to lunch.

kiwiane · 10/05/2024 11:43

I think she’s being quite selfish - it’s obvious you’ve been out of the home all day and have stuff to do.

Original poster
ManukaNourished · 10/05/2024 11:43

@TomaytoTomaato They often offer me dinner which is very kind and generous and I accept probably one day a week.

@Allfur I do enjoy being in their company but not necessarily every day after a full days' work!

@Fraggamama We used to do this, they had DS in the mornings and took him to school but we discussed it and they said they'd prefer not to do mornings.

@Chirawehaha Yes I know it was passive aggressive and I am not proud of it. Although to be fair to me I was venting and really did not expect to be overheard. I expect I did it because honest communication with my DM - as @alsuoo alludes to - is very difficult.

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 10/05/2024 11:49

Approach it from how it impacts on DS. Not getting home until 8pm then it's winding down and bedtime so it's late for him getting into bed and going to sleep. Better to get him home a bit earlier most nights so he isn't too tired for school.

Fraggamama · 10/05/2024 11:53

@Fraggamama We used to do this, they had DS in the mornings and took him to school but we discussed it and they said they'd prefer not to do

Could you put it the context of your work then, say you starting later doesn't work for them and they need you to go back to your original hours?

Or as PP has said use your son having too long a day as an excuse and that you need to get him home and to bed earlier?

Gymmum82 · 10/05/2024 11:58

I would tell your mum you will stay one night a week for dinner. Perhaps a Friday. The rest of the week you’ll collect at the door and won’t be coming inside. This is fair to both. They cannot expect you to socialise and get in at 8pm every night of the week. That’s ridiculous

OlderandwiserMaybe · 10/05/2024 12:00

Have I understood correctly that you pick son up from your parents 2 nights a week - then rest he's at after school club? If that's the case I think you could compromise and maybe stay and be sociable 1 day a week and then the other just pick up and go. Speak to your Mum though don't just do it. Tell her you are frazzled from work and would just rather go home.

My Mums a bit tricky to talk to like this too - but I think as long as you explain and tell her how grateful you are for their involvement/help they should understand.

Edit sorry just re-read and you are at your parents every evening. So Ii think you just need an honest conversation with your Mum - agree between you which night you can stay longer - and even have a meal all together but i think you're reasonable to want to go straight home most evenings.

IreneGoodnight · 10/05/2024 12:03

Try a word with your dad?
To me it sounds like mild emotional blackmail on the part of your mum but you do get something very valuable out of it.
Feel a bit sorry for your son who spends an awfully long time away from his own home in term time but then he IS with people who love him.
If your son is OK with the arrangement then I'd continue it. It won't go on forever.

Sunnyday777 · 10/05/2024 12:04

My mum was never one to put demands on my time but I used to stay for tea once a week. The other days I’d grab DS and go! And she was fine with that, she got her evening free, I got to have DS in a routine. I’d have a calm conversation once it’s blown over a bit about the demands of being a full time working single mum and the pressures it’s bringing.

ontheflighttosingapore · 10/05/2024 12:04

I would sit your mum down and talk to her about it. I totally get you must be knackered and just want to pick up and go. Explain how tired you are and you need to relax in the evening for an hour or so before bed and it all start again next day. Offer to go round at the weekend so you can all spend quality time together. If you were my daughter I would understand for sure

pinkyredrose · 10/05/2024 12:05

That's the price you have to pay for free childcare I'm afraid.

TheMuskratOfDestiny · 10/05/2024 12:07

Can you condense your hours on the two days DP picks up so you can pick up from after school club the other 3?

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