To just want to go home after work?

[ManukaNourished]

I would genuinely like some outside perspectives here as I am not sure who - if anyone - is BU.

I am a single parent to one child and work full time 9.30 to 5.30. DS is 8 and attends After School Club until 6pm three days a week. The other two days my DP collect him straight from school and look after him.

Due to my commute I cannot collect him from After School Club on time, so my DP pick him up and take him back to their house.

So he is at his grandparent's house every day after school and I am very grateful for their help and support and active involvement in his life. I arrive at their house at about 6.30pm to collect him.

My DM has made it very clear that she expects me to stay and socialise with them. She gets upset and offended if I only stay for long enough to say Hi etc, then collect DS and go.

So I usually stay for at least half an hour, usually an hour or longer. It is not unusual for DS and I to get home after 8pm.

Sometimes I really want to just get straight home and be at home and relax, but I recognise DPs are massively helping me out with DS. I don't want to upset DM and have her think I am taking them for granted and just using them for childcare.

One day last week I was at their house after work and felt particularly frazzled and, thinking I was alone, I whined aloud to myself "I just want to gooooo hoooome". My DM overheard me 😳

Now she is really angry and upset with me. Is she reasonable to feel like this or am I reasonable to sometimes want to just quickly scoop up DS and leave without feeling like I am being rude?

As much as gp giving childcare is lucky and we should be grateful some actually do it for themselves as they enjoy it

You need your time and space. I understand DGPs but my DDiL looks after her DGCs several times a week and often at week-ends. Generally when parents turn up she wants them to go as quickly as possible.

I thought this too. She is literally demanding your attention and having it focused on her to an uncomfortable extent. How much attention does your poor DC get whilst all this is going on? (expected to play quietly? and not interrupt - when he should be getting a bit of attention from you?) And she knows its difficult for you to say no because free child care.

No way should you have to cut your hours because she's unwilling to relinquish you and is not bothered about the difficulty getting home so late every night puts on you and your DC. You are a single parent and you need every penny. It would make you even more dependent on them, not less. Particularly when all that is required is a willingness to let you get home after a long tiring day at work. Its selfish.
Its not like you don't spend a considerable amount of time with her at the weekend and on days out. But it seems that's not enough for her.

I think when people act like this you have to say to yourself. What is fair in these circumstances? You are a mum and your DC needs are a priority over parents, and therefore so are your own needs, since you are his carer.

What bad effect would it actually have on your DM if you were able to pick up DC and leave at a reasonable time, so that you had more time to relax and organise your own household for you and your DC?

YOu still see her regularly and give her attention? It wouldn't have a bad effect on her at all, but it would have a beneficial effect on you. You have to take a step back to think about why you feel guilty and why its so difficult to say this to her.

Change your hours and put your child in breakfast club. This is what I have to do.

One day last week I was at their house after work and felt particularly frazzled and, thinking I was alone, I whined aloud to myself "I just want to gooooo hoooome". My DM overheard me 😳
I doubt that was accidental.

I suggest a heart to heart with DP and before you begin to explain your position you may want to lead in with telling them you love them so dearly and wish there was two of you to go around but there is not so what you are going to express is from your heart and not meant to make them upset.

Explain your situation and ask if they want to continue to watch their GS if you want to just go home after you arrive to pick him up? This need not be a threat. Just explain you don't want them to feel left out or used or anything other than loved and appreciated. Tell them you miss them too. That you hope the relationship they are building with your son is special to them and worth the cost of not having your full attention at this time in life and that there will be more time in the future. Let them know that if they could bless you with this request to go home, you would be forever grateful.

Be sweet. Express their desire for your company as something you are grateful for but at the same time your staying means late arrivals home, an exhausting evening, tremendous guilt if you cannot stay, grumpy mom in the morning and poor work performance. Loving parents, after hearing this will understand. they may not be happy but they will understand. You are also giving them a choice here to honor what they need emotionally without being responsible for their happiness, which you are not. They many decide that they don't want to watch DS if they can't have the whole meal....

Thank them from the bottom of your heart and tell them how much they contribute to both yours and his quality of life. And then offer to commit to a weeknight or weekend day one time a month and hang with them if that works for them. It's sounds like they enjoy your company and miss you and just need to hear an honest expression of what you are feeling.

You are pretty lucky and although single parent is hard so is being the child of a single parent. Try enjoying the time where your child experiences everyone together, in reality it is easy to sink into solitude as an ambition and that is not the best route.

Could you sit down with your Mum or go for a walk and explain to her how overwhelming life is and that you need some down time before needing to get to bed and do that schedule yet again? Maybe suggest staying one night/week for tea and that you love catching up and just need the other couple days to de-stress and prep for the next day? As a FT working Mum for much of my life I would also find that really hard.

Do your parents live near you? Could they pick your Son up & take him home to yours rather than back to theirs? It would mean you can go straight home & your parents could stay on a bit after you arrive home & maybe have dinner with you both giving you time to chat & catch up & not stressing or getting in late.

Could you change the arrangement, so that you just pop in and pick up your child say mom-thur, but commit to staying for dinner on Friday? Maybe if they knew they were going to get quality time with you each week they wouldn’t be so bothered about you staying for a bit each day?