To just want to go home after work?

[ManukaNourished]

I would genuinely like some outside perspectives here as I am not sure who - if anyone - is BU.

I am a single parent to one child and work full time 9.30 to 5.30. DS is 8 and attends After School Club until 6pm three days a week. The other two days my DP collect him straight from school and look after him.

Due to my commute I cannot collect him from After School Club on time, so my DP pick him up and take him back to their house.

So he is at his grandparent's house every day after school and I am very grateful for their help and support and active involvement in his life. I arrive at their house at about 6.30pm to collect him.

My DM has made it very clear that she expects me to stay and socialise with them. She gets upset and offended if I only stay for long enough to say Hi etc, then collect DS and go.

So I usually stay for at least half an hour, usually an hour or longer. It is not unusual for DS and I to get home after 8pm.

Sometimes I really want to just get straight home and be at home and relax, but I recognise DPs are massively helping me out with DS. I don't want to upset DM and have her think I am taking them for granted and just using them for childcare.

One day last week I was at their house after work and felt particularly frazzled and, thinking I was alone, I whined aloud to myself "I just want to gooooo hoooome". My DM overheard me 😳

Now she is really angry and upset with me. Is she reasonable to feel like this or am I reasonable to sometimes want to just quickly scoop up DS and leave without feeling like I am being rude?

I think your mum needs to develop some emotional/ social intelligence, personally I would have thought it would be common sense/ obvious that you just want to get home from being exhausted from work and actually it’s a bit cruel in a way to tire you out more by expecting you stay all the time. Clearly she doesn’t get it, so you need to be honest and spell it out to her , tell her how exhausted you feel and how you are made to feel guilty for not staying and that’s not fair. If she still doesn’t get it- get a child minder then she might get it then!

I think bothnof you have a point. Could you not say once a week you will stay and chat for an hour or so. The other times you will go home. Or go at the weekend. You need to talk to your mum about this. Not great getting home so late.

12.58 would be most people's lunch break 🙄

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable. Working is draining and as well some jobs worse than others for people, either way. I would see the child care as just this and whilst you're grateful for the help, it's better to connect at other times. Maybe tell her you really love seeing her but working sucks so much energy so you leave early as you don't feel you both get to really spend as much quality time and you'd prefer to plan time together at another time. Maybe do a couple of hours a week or every two weeks together just you and your Mum and maybe she will feel her needs are met that way?

maybe if you explain how tired you are and that you have lots to do at home she may understand? And that you will catch up on Friday evening/weekends . it’s so exhausting working and being a parent there’s never time to switch off , even worse if you can’t be in your own home! I don’t agree with people saying it’s the price you pay for free childcare. It’s your mum surely she’s doing it to help you out it doesn’t mean there should be some other sacrifice because you are not paying it makes no sense !

My Mum would pick me up from my Granny’s house everyday after school. She’d come in, collapse in an armchair, have a 20 minute chat and then get going. They’d make her a quick cup of tea. I think they are doing you a massive favour and just want a chat, but an hour is far too long. Why don’t you get in to a routine where you have dinner one night and stay for an hour or so, on Mondays just dash in and out, Tuesdays stay for 20 mins etc etc. So they know which day you can hang around and which days you need to dash off.

Yanbu it’s knackering but your parents are helping.
what’s the dinner arrangements? Why don’t you explain you are so tired, need to get up the road every night at a decent hour but maybe you could agree one night a week to do a takeaway and spend a wee bit more time on that night.

To answer some questions with apologies for not tagging the specific posters who asked; my brain is getting ready to go to sleep soon!

DS didn't do well with breakfast club when we tried a trial, he wouldn't really eat there and it was a bit much for him leaving the house at around 7.30. So I don't feel like that's an option.

My DM did work full time after myself and my sibling started secondary school. She was a SAHM until then. When she started work I took on a lot of the housekeeping tasks.

I agree with the poster who said it is a big commitment for my DP to have to be available for childcare every day. They did enthusiastically volunteer for this but even so. I take annual leave or try to use our minimal flexi time system when they want to go on days out or holidays.

I have looked at other childcare options like a childminder but they are limited in my area. I don't currently have a vehicle which complicates the logistics a lot because public transport here is infrequent. I can walk to DPs house from the station and walk home from there.

I think there's a possibility for a good arrangement that meets everyone's needs here. If I was your mother, I'd be offering to have dinner ready at 6.30 the nights I have your child, so you don't have to cook that night and we can eat together. Saves you having to feed and clean up after the evening meal after work for those two days (which you must do anyway), and the parents get a short visit while you eat.

Has your mum ever had a job? I'd imagine a grown up with life experience would be more understanding. Find alternative childcare and find time to spend with your mum.

Oh OP you must be shattered. Of course it’s nice of your parents but it’s not like they never see you!

I agree with others, just set a weekly evening to stay for dinner, and leave quickly the other times. Just be honest and say you have tons to do when you get back and you look forward to catching up with them properly on x day.

Oh this all sounds so tiring. I would really struggle with that too OP... and it's absolutely no reflection of how much you love them

YANBU but DM is being quite selfish. I hope you find a way to convey that without upsetting her.

I don’t understand the comments on this at all.

Your DP are doing you a favour, yes but you shouldn’t feel obliged to stay because of this, maybe once a week max stay for dinner or order a takeaway but there really should be no need for you to feel this way, you could arrange to spend quality time together on a weekend instead. Please just talk to her and explain how you feel, you shouldn’t have to get home at 8pm as by that time you’ll have to put your DS to bed and you won’t have any time to yourself until after 9pm most likely!

My parents help me out loads but they are never bothered about me staying when I pick the kids up, in fact it’s more the other way around and they can’t wait to get rid of us 😂

Yanbu, my gran never expected this from my mum and neither did my mum from me, they could understand after a days work why I’d want to get home, parents help usually doesn’t come with conditions, especially when you have dinner once per week and see them at weekends, it’s quite selfish actually and not good for your son

Every day?? When you still have to do tea, homework, bath and bed? And every other weekend??

As the mum/GM in question I wouldn't want that either!

If by some miracle you could get alternative childcare until 6.30pm, how would your mum react? Would she be pleased or very disappointed?
I think the answer to that informs how guilty you should feel about going straight home. If she is delighted to be relieved of childcare then you definitely need to approach using kid gloves

if she would be upset then this is an arrangement that works for her too, and I would be feeling more confident setting a limit. Especially since you spend a good portion of you weekend with them.

fwiw I would go down the path of least resistance and spend a lot of time complaining how tired I was in the hope they take the hint, and arrange to have tea with them so she knpws
to get it started before you arrive.

I'm with @ManukaNourished and I'm the grandparent. We love the little ones but three days a week would strain my husbands patience especially if he had to be sociable too.

Tactfully tell your mum that your employer has adjusted staff hours.

I think DM is really helping out and I would take full advantage. It sounds like you could enjoy a nice dinner a couple of times a week with DS and parents. Then you can head home and not worry about dinner! It would save time and money.

And how many years left until DS is home by himself and doesn’t need babysitting? Maybe five years and between then and now anything can change.

I wouldn’t talk about it you may end up upsetting DM and then upsetting the arrangement. It’s a really great set up.

I think I would be pretty hurt to hear my daughter whine “I want to go home”. I understand why you might want to but that was rude and childish in the extreme. You need to have an honest conversation with your mum, apologise for whining but explain that you are knackered and have such a short one on one time with your DS in the evenings you are struggling to get home so late. Maybe plan one night a week when you stay for dinner/a cuppa and a chat. When DIL collects her daughter who we look after 6.45am-4.45pm one day a week I would love to hand her over at the door tbh as I am exhausted too but we play the polite game and keep it to 5-10 minutes.

It blows my mind that people have this level of support from their parents/in laws.

I would have killed to have this arrangement. I had no offer of childcare for dc. Never. Not once.

I know how hard it is being a lone parent op but your parents sound wonderful honestly.

So in addition to five days a week of school runs and after school care, the retired parents should now also be free cooks for the OP?

I think your dm is being incredibly unreasonable & im shocked people in this thread can’t see this. You’re a single and working parent life is bloody hard and yes after a long working day you are exhausted and want to just get home. I feel you. If you are seeing your parents to catch up at least once a fortnight or week or whatever that’s the time to catch up with them properly- not on collection of dc after a gruelling day. As if she got angry- she has zero insight & empathy here but I’ll be honest rather that the whining out of supposed earshot that you what to gooooo hommme which is pretty passive & childlike I would sit her down say on a weekend and say explicitly that you love their company and massively appreciate their help but please understand I want to get home after work and get x y z done and unwind etc but will catch up properly and regularly another time when you’ve got the time ie weekend. I’m in a very similar situation and my dm would totally understand this because I see her every other weekend & call/text in the week. If you just communicate carefully that’s the way forward. If dm still is unreasonable then it’s time to reconsider childcare/working pattern.

Honesty is always the way to go. Sit down and explain to your DM that by the time you are done with work you're tired and you just want to be able to go home. Maybe compromise by continuing to have dinner with them one night and take them out sometimes on a weekend for lunch or brunch. If it continues to be an issue after discussing it, you may need to make other arrangements for childcare. Good Luck

I think it's being astonishingly thick to not understand that someone who has been at work for 8 hours likely wants to get home and has evening tasks to complete with and for a child before bed.

This.Plus DC's bedtime is being pushed back an hour, surely. There just isn't time!