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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just want to go home after work?

210 replies

ManukaNourished · 10/05/2024 11:02

I would genuinely like some outside perspectives here as I am not sure who - if anyone - is BU.

I am a single parent to one child and work full time 9.30 to 5.30. DS is 8 and attends After School Club until 6pm three days a week. The other two days my DP collect him straight from school and look after him.

Due to my commute I cannot collect him from After School Club on time, so my DP pick him up and take him back to their house.

So he is at his grandparent's house every day after school and I am very grateful for their help and support and active involvement in his life. I arrive at their house at about 6.30pm to collect him.

My DM has made it very clear that she expects me to stay and socialise with them. She gets upset and offended if I only stay for long enough to say Hi etc, then collect DS and go.

So I usually stay for at least half an hour, usually an hour or longer. It is not unusual for DS and I to get home after 8pm.

Sometimes I really want to just get straight home and be at home and relax, but I recognise DPs are massively helping me out with DS. I don't want to upset DM and have her think I am taking them for granted and just using them for childcare.

One day last week I was at their house after work and felt particularly frazzled and, thinking I was alone, I whined aloud to myself "I just want to gooooo hoooome". My DM overheard me 😳

Now she is really angry and upset with me. Is she reasonable to feel like this or am I reasonable to sometimes want to just quickly scoop up DS and leave without feeling like I am being rude?

OP posts:
Original poster
ManukaNourished · 10/05/2024 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

😆 😆

Thank you!

And yes jaffa cakes are revolting 😊

OP posts:
WalrusOfLove · 11/05/2024 02:29

Sacrilege! Jaffa Cakes are the BOAT (Biscuit of All Time.)

But are they actually a biscuit? 🤔🤣

Wexone · 14/05/2024 14:39

oh no like they know what time you will be there why isn't donner ready for you to sit down? that's how I would do it. I think you need to have an honest communication with your mother. try to be factual and no emotion. that you appreciate what they are doing etc but it's impacting your home life. focus on quality time over quantity . if that doesn't work unfortunately then I would move to paid childcare. your downtime is vital for you mental health

MrsB74 · 14/05/2024 15:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

That is unnecessary and cruel.

They offered to have her child and are putting unfair expectations on her. Everyone needs wind down time in the evenings or even just time for laundry etc.

As many others have said, try to explain how tired you are to your mum. Did she ever work full time? Maybe she doesn’t realise how exhausting it can be with young children (and a commute)?

Yes, you are lucky to have the childcare, but it shouldn’t come with strings. It’s not as if you never see them outside of this.

Fathomless · 14/05/2024 15:42

Your child must be exhausted! and you also. I don't think your dp are being very considerate. could you have a chat with them about how tired you both get? you see them on the weekend also that's plenty

Cheeesus · 14/05/2024 15:46

Isn’t 8pm a bit late for your child to be getting home?

Snowfalling · 14/05/2024 15:50

MrsB74 · 14/05/2024 15:37

That is unnecessary and cruel.

They offered to have her child and are putting unfair expectations on her. Everyone needs wind down time in the evenings or even just time for laundry etc.

As many others have said, try to explain how tired you are to your mum. Did she ever work full time? Maybe she doesn’t realise how exhausting it can be with young children (and a commute)?

Yes, you are lucky to have the childcare, but it shouldn’t come with strings. It’s not as if you never see them outside of this.

Show quote history

Agree re downtime. its so essential for your mental health. I wanted to cry reading the op and felt her anguish at 'I just want to go home!'

Jiski · 14/05/2024 16:07

I’d only stay once in a blue moon. I’m wrecked from life I couldn’t do the extra socialising and late nights.

TimetoPour · 14/05/2024 16:13

I can see exactly why this routine would get you down.

Personally, I would apologise to your mum for sounding as though you don’t appreciate her. Explain you are just overwhelmed and finding it hard to squeeze everything in when you get home late. There is still:

washing
ironing
cleaning
lunch prep
school bags to empty
general paperwork admin
bins to put out
food shopping

The list is endless and relentless. By the time you get in and have done the chores it is bed time. You are have no time to unwind or decompress from the day.

You don’t mean to upset her or make her feel unappreciated- you are just exhausted. Sometimes you just want to come home and whip your bra off! Not something you can do in someone else’s house!

AltitudeCheck · 14/05/2024 16:15

Could you come up with a plan, one evening you stay and socialise, another you go home and have a bit of time to yourself and then she drops DC round / stays for tea, another you pick up and run... explain you value quality time with her over quantity when it comes to work/ school days

Babbete · 14/05/2024 16:31

Start by bringing over a smelly microwave meal every time to eat there. Start staying late or asking to stay over. Ask to see them on a weekend day and be there all day. Be very very enthusiastic and chatty, put a little music on and dance with DS. MIX IT UP A BIT

Some advice on MN is really odd.

AgathaMystery · 14/05/2024 16:37

If it were me I would go round (no DS) with a bunch of flowers and a thank you card and express sincerely how grateful I am.

id say I was feeling really fatigued with work and can’t cope with getting home so late when I’ve been out the house since 8am.

I’d say I’d love to come for tea one night a week and please can it be xxx day? And the other nights can I please collect and run, as I desperately need to carve out some time for myself at home.

rwa818 · 14/05/2024 16:40

Can you compromise and stay longer one night a week? For dinner maybe?
I think your mum should understand that you are tired and have stuff to do in the evenings but also probably just likes catching up with you

BusyMummy001 · 14/05/2024 17:12

I think I’d take DM some flowers, explain that you are shattered from the working week/commute and maybe explain that it would be lovely if you could have an arrange night each week that you stay and have dinner and quality time with them, but would they mind if you grabbed and ran on the others? I’d explain that you love and appreciate them, but work is just too much at the moment…

turkeymuffin · 14/05/2024 17:23

ManukaNourished · 10/05/2024 12:09

@OlderandwiserMaybe I pick DS up from theirs every weeknight. Two days they have him from 3pm and three days they have him from 6pm.

Reading what I have written here I am starting to feel ashamed of being so entitled when I am so lucky!

Does it make any difference that DP relocated when they retired and asked me to move here too so as not to miss out on their grandson, and they promised to help me with childcare?

I stay and be sociable probably 80% of the time. I think I am becoming quite fatigued though, so it's getting to be more of an issue for me. I hate it that my DM gets so angry and upset with me for having different needs to hers.

Does he not get to do any clubs? Scouts, football, swimming etc?

Maybe one option would be to sign him up to something - for example they drop him off at Beavers at 6pm then you collect at 7pm. The handover is done without seeing them.

brunettemic · 14/05/2024 17:26

You’re not BU but you also have a massive amount of free childcare that you’re effectively complaining about. It’s also clear you’re an adult and should be capable of having a sensible conversation with your DM, even if she doesn’t like the results.

BustyLee · 14/05/2024 17:26

If I were you I would apologise for what I had said and say that it had been a particularly gruelling day and that you’d just needed to get to your own house, relax, have a bit of a cry be quiet because you have been talking all day. Communicate. If your dm continues to take this personally and doesn’t understand then she is bu.

If it was me I would just pick up the child and go every single day but I would schedule in some child free time with dm - treat her to a lovely long lunch or something.

if I was your dm I think I might love having dgs over every night but would be relieved when you came to pick him up so I could relax but we are all different.

i haven’t rtft so do not know the outcome but i think that just being nice to each other and appreciating each other is so important in these misunderstandings At least one of you has to ensure that this does not escalate.

BustyLee · 14/05/2024 17:31

ManukaNourished · 10/05/2024 11:43

@TomaytoTomaato They often offer me dinner which is very kind and generous and I accept probably one day a week.

@Allfur I do enjoy being in their company but not necessarily every day after a full days' work!

@Fraggamama We used to do this, they had DS in the mornings and took him to school but we discussed it and they said they'd prefer not to do mornings.

@Chirawehaha Yes I know it was passive aggressive and I am not proud of it. Although to be fair to me I was venting and really did not expect to be overheard. I expect I did it because honest communication with my DM - as @alsuoo alludes to - is very difficult.

I was going to advise you against the MN habit of going into the past misdeeds or character traits of the other person. Try to deal with this without doing that - especially on MN because there will be people who think they know your dm from this post and will jump in and demonise her when she is probably just a person with flaws just like every single one of us.

BustyLee · 14/05/2024 17:35

Wexone · 14/05/2024 14:39

oh no like they know what time you will be there why isn't donner ready for you to sit down? that's how I would do it. I think you need to have an honest communication with your mother. try to be factual and no emotion. that you appreciate what they are doing etc but it's impacting your home life. focus on quality time over quantity . if that doesn't work unfortunately then I would move to paid childcare. your downtime is vital for you mental health

I would do it that way too. That would be a tremendous help to op. She could then go home and just completely wind down. If I was op I think I would offer to contribute to their shopping.

Wexone · 14/05/2024 17:44

BustyLee · 14/05/2024 17:35

I would do it that way too. That would be a tremendous help to op. She could then go home and just completely wind down. If I was op I think I would offer to contribute to their shopping.

Show quote history

Exactly - I work from home most days and i will have dinner on the table when mu husband comes home or ready 5 mins later . Some days if he home earlier he will get it ready, but in OP's case i don't understand why the parents don't have it ready. I agree aswell contribute to the shipping or have an online delivery sent

Rufusroo · 14/05/2024 18:05

It is better for your son to have his grandparents look after him. Do they do holiday care too? So I would try to continue with the arrangement but I think you need to be brave and be honest with your mum and tell her you are not being rude or ungrateful but you need to have time at home with your son.

Julimia · 14/05/2024 18:10

You obviously appreciate their help and involvement but they should understand that after a long day you want and need to go home. How about suggesting that one day each week you you have tea with them and a proper catch up but will be just picking DS up the other days.

user1471554720 · 14/05/2024 18:29

Maybe explain to your parents and stay late one night a week.

I think mothers, particularly those who were SAHMs or got massive help from their parents simply don't understand 'being tired from work'.

They may think that as you are sitting at a desk, there is no tiredness. They don't understand the mental tiredness, being careful with work tasks, making small talk with colleagues etc, and STILL having to do housework in the evenings.

PoppyCherryDog · 14/05/2024 18:40

As a compromise can you have two agreed nights a week where you stay at your parents a bit longer? Maybe have dinner there etc. then the other three days just do pick up?

RBowmama · 14/05/2024 18:48

TomaytoTomaato · 10/05/2024 11:34

Could you reach a compromise - suggest that one day a week you stay for a catch up but other days you pick up and head home straight away?
Would they be willing to do dinner for you so you all eat together at 6.30 on the night you stay longer?

I agree with this if your parent's are open to compromising like this. I think it would be a shame for your parent's & son to lose out on that time with each other and your DM may feel awful afterwards that she's lost seeing you and DGS each day and wish she hadn't been so pushy. It would be nicer if you could discuss and compromise beforehand since you are all family IMO.