To just want to go home after work?

[ManukaNourished]

I would genuinely like some outside perspectives here as I am not sure who - if anyone - is BU.

I am a single parent to one child and work full time 9.30 to 5.30. DS is 8 and attends After School Club until 6pm three days a week. The other two days my DP collect him straight from school and look after him.

Due to my commute I cannot collect him from After School Club on time, so my DP pick him up and take him back to their house.

So he is at his grandparent's house every day after school and I am very grateful for their help and support and active involvement in his life. I arrive at their house at about 6.30pm to collect him.

My DM has made it very clear that she expects me to stay and socialise with them. She gets upset and offended if I only stay for long enough to say Hi etc, then collect DS and go.

So I usually stay for at least half an hour, usually an hour or longer. It is not unusual for DS and I to get home after 8pm.

Sometimes I really want to just get straight home and be at home and relax, but I recognise DPs are massively helping me out with DS. I don't want to upset DM and have her think I am taking them for granted and just using them for childcare.

One day last week I was at their house after work and felt particularly frazzled and, thinking I was alone, I whined aloud to myself "I just want to gooooo hoooome". My DM overheard me 😳

Now she is really angry and upset with me. Is she reasonable to feel like this or am I reasonable to sometimes want to just quickly scoop up DS and leave without feeling like I am being rude?

This is a tricky one. It’s nice that she wants to spend time with you but she’s so clearly not considering the context of your day and needs at all.
One night would be fine (and surely having dinner ready isn’t a huge ask given that they’re making it for you anyway and not starting until late makes it a very late night for your son). But beyond that it is her being a bit selfish and thoughtless. As you say, she didn’t work until you were already pretty independent in secondary school, and always had a partner to share the load. Totally different to having a primary aged child and also parenting solo whilst working full time. Can she not appreciate that?
You’ll need to be honest but she may take it poorly. They did volunteer but the help is only helpful if it’s not tied in with so much guilt and lots of conditions that actually erode your tiny amount of free time to manage your own life and throw your routine out. I have entirely reduced my parents’ involvement because of all the emotional manipulation inherent in any “favours”. Hopefully you get a better outcome following a chat to clear the air and establish new boundaries.

I'd try to arrange to be able to pick your ds up on the after school club nights. Then maybe stay half hour on the days you pick him up from theirs.

I'd explain it's late and ds needs to get ready for bed.

Can’t you find a childcare arrangement where someone takes DS home to chill in your own home after school a couple of days a week? Then you can go straight home to relieve the babysitter/minder your parents etc.

If work would find it hard to let you reduce your hours right now, could you maybe work half an hour less on the three ASC days, then 45 mins more on the two other days? That way you would be working the same hours in total.

I’d say that it’s a long time for you to be out of the house, 8-8 sometimes, and it means it’s difficult for you to manage what you need to do at home in that time - get a wash on, make packed lunches etc, get a decent nights sleep - also a very long day for your child. Could you stay on a Friday evening for dinner, when you can relax properly and not be watching the clock/worrying about the next day.

This happened to me, my Mum and Dad would look after them after school at my house but then stay and chat after I arrived home for an hour plus and I used to be almost crying, overstimulated, needing to start dinner etc but I guess it’s the price you pay for free childcare. I do wish parents were more understanding of this though tbh, I’d like to think I would be and just have a quick chat and get off. I never solved the problem FYI. I just paid for childcare and reduced my hours which is obviously not great.

that was in response to when they do offer to cook, cooking is not started till op arrives at house which I thought strange as I wouldn't do that I would have it ready to serve when op arrives
op says that parents are asking not she asking!!!

I was the child in this caae in the 1980s. My mother would collect me from my grandmother's and sit down chatting for half an hour. This was from primary right up til I was finishing secondary. We lived out the country so I walked from school to their house and got collected at 5 pm. It was often 6.30pm by the time we got home.

Worse when I was teens as I had lots of homework and was up til 10pm and later doing it. My mother kept chatting about nothing. Even when I told my grandmother she tried to curtail the chatting. Thrn my mother would try to chat to me on the way home and got VERY offended when I said I was tired.

Some people just DON'T CARE. Your mother is suiting herself and using you for company, just like my mother kept bringing us home late and chatting.

Make it about what is best for your son.
Create a plan.
Invite your folks over for a meal one night per week, you eat at theirs another two nights and keep your son's bedtime at a similar time, having completed his homework etc..
A set plan will make meal times predictable; your parents will know in advance when you are staying and they'll be able to have an earlier meal. Asking and you sometimes eating there and sometimes not is not the best for your child's bedtime.
Would leaving your son to be taken to school a couple of set days per week by your parents be workable?
(Then two nights per week you are picking him up and going straight home.)

I think you can make it about DS. At his age, I’d be wanting bedtime routine to begin by 7pm, or 7.30 at the latest. So you can’t keep staying with your parents past that. Tell them it’s actually making both you and him tired and you need to start being stricter about his bedtime.

I think you are being very reasonable.
Your DPs are doing you a big favour by helping out with childcare, but that doesn't mean you are not allowed to go home at a decent time and take care of yourself.
I'd have a conversation with her and explain that whilst you love spending time with her, after work you are tired, both physically and mentally. There's always things to do at home, whether it's tidying, meal prepping, life admin in general, how are you expected to do everything if you don't even leave hers until close to 8pm?
I'd also reassure her by letting her know that you do love spending time with her in the weekend as you can then properly enjoying her company rather than being preoccupied with what expects you once you go home.

How do you predict the conversation will go? If your mum tends to be a bit irrational I'd maybe try and involve your dad too in the same conversation so that there's more than one perspective.

Good luck OP

"I'd really like to spend some time with you when I can concentrate and am not completely frazzled - let's catch up at the weekend. I'll bring cake"

Sorry I haven't read all the suggestions but wondered if you'd thought of seeing if you can do some longer days and some shorter days at work. On the shorter days you can collect from after school club and longer days maybe agree, in advance, to eat with your DP.

OP, my apologies as I've only read your posts but I had a somewhat similar situation with my parents a few years ago, albeit without children in the mix. My mum wanted me to be permanently popping over or if I was there, she didn't want me to leave.

My problem was that I didn't mind seeing them, but I couldn't be hanging about every day.

I solved theproblem by pre-agreeing (proactively) specific dates and times and I tried to ensure that whenever we saw each other, we had the next thing already booked. Eg, I'd agree in advance that after my yoga class, I'd come by and have dinner with them on Tuesday. Then, while we were having diner on Tuesday, we'd agree to meet up for a little shopping and lunch on Saturday. On the Saturday, we'd plan our next trip.

If, in the meantime, I did see them on Thursday because, for example, I needed to drop something off for them, it was easy for me to breezily pop in, drop it off, give them a kiss and zip out the door saying, "See you saturday!"

Can you try this? eg, agree that you're staying for dinner on Wednesday so that on tuesday, they know that they WILL get proper time with you tomorrow?

I would try and condense hours at work so you can pick him up directly from the after school club. On the other days your DP could have him and one day you both stay for dinner.

I get it OP I used to be so exhausted after work all I wanted was to be at home. I was lucky and my DF understood it and also wanted his evening.

I’d try speaking to your parents when you’re not feeling as frazzled, maybe of a weekend, explain that work is really stressful and you’re really sorry if you just pick up and go but during work days you’re shattered and just want to get home. Emotive conversations are often best had when the situation isn’t happening.

So sorry you've had so many nasty responses, OP.

God forbid a woman want to have some time for herself and with her child after a long day at work, eh?

It sounds like you spend lots of quality time with your parents, so please don't commandeer your time during the week. They need to make friends, not rely on a single mum working full time to fill up their evenings.

You don't need an excuse to go home but could you say that you need to get home to cook dinner, prepare lunch for the next day, iron clothes, bath etc?

Urgh, annoying. What did DH tell her?

YANBU. Of course they are doing you a huge favour so that you can work, but I think there is a good compromise in there somewhere. Your parents shouldn't expect you to hang around every night.

Perhaps they could do tea for you 1 night a week? Or you could collect a nice takeaway on the way home for all of you.

If you could rearrange your hours for just 1 or 2 days a week so that you can collect DS yourself then that would help.

Same, although I'm glad that OP and others do have it. I wish more people did, rather than everyone having to suffer.

So it's important to make sure this arrangement works for everyone.

@ManukaNourished I'd be concerned that your mum is using childcare for your son, and then you visiting, as her daily company; rather than putting herself out there to rebuild the community she left. That's likely to only get harder for her as time goes on, and it'll mean she's miserable when she's got no community and no will to find one whenever this arrangement does end - and that'll be the case even if it lasts years and ends when DS is old enough to want to come home from school and be trusted to watch TV by himself or whatever until you're home.

For everyone's sake, it sounds like you need a change. They are expecting company in exchange for childcare, which isn't working for you, and won't work for them in the future.

I'd push your employer on hours - there's a new flexible working law that may help you here. Look into other options again - any new childcare options? Could you get a car, if that'd give you more options?

OP doesn't expect them to cook for her. But do you not see that if they insist OP stays in the evenings then that doesn't give her time to cook?

Is OP supposed to live off junk food?

Honestly, that’s an obscene amount of help from your parents. I hope that you realise that. I do find that MN seems to be split into 2 camps, and those that have never had any help whatsoever from parents or in laws often read these threads with bewilderment that others actually get this much help and moan about it.

It sounds like you spend lots of quality time with your parents, so please don't commandeer your time during the week. They need to make friends, not rely on a single mum working full time to fill up their evenings.

This.