To just want to go home after work?

[ManukaNourished]

I would genuinely like some outside perspectives here as I am not sure who - if anyone - is BU.

I am a single parent to one child and work full time 9.30 to 5.30. DS is 8 and attends After School Club until 6pm three days a week. The other two days my DP collect him straight from school and look after him.

Due to my commute I cannot collect him from After School Club on time, so my DP pick him up and take him back to their house.

So he is at his grandparent's house every day after school and I am very grateful for their help and support and active involvement in his life. I arrive at their house at about 6.30pm to collect him.

My DM has made it very clear that she expects me to stay and socialise with them. She gets upset and offended if I only stay for long enough to say Hi etc, then collect DS and go.

So I usually stay for at least half an hour, usually an hour or longer. It is not unusual for DS and I to get home after 8pm.

Sometimes I really want to just get straight home and be at home and relax, but I recognise DPs are massively helping me out with DS. I don't want to upset DM and have her think I am taking them for granted and just using them for childcare.

One day last week I was at their house after work and felt particularly frazzled and, thinking I was alone, I whined aloud to myself "I just want to gooooo hoooome". My DM overheard me 😳

Now she is really angry and upset with me. Is she reasonable to feel like this or am I reasonable to sometimes want to just quickly scoop up DS and leave without feeling like I am being rude?

So your DP collect him every day and they expect you to socialise every day with them at pickup?! Once or twice a week for sure but every day?! Do you not run out of things to say?! I see my parents once a week and struggle to think of conversation sometimes!

You and DC need time to relax at home. It is a very long day for both of you. YANBU.

It sounds like they expect you to be rewarded with your time. I also sort of see their point of view. But on balance, you need to get DC ready for school the next day, get dinner on, do bedtime etc.

can you blame the child???

i can’t stay tonight mum as little Bob has been a bit tired lately and I want to get him to bed earlier.

Don't be ridiculous. The OP is a single mum - she will have tons of things to do when she gets home.

Hi OP,
Having read your update about your parents moving I am wondering whether your parents have not managed to meet people and make friends and so you swinging by on your way home from work is their only adult interaction? It is not fair of them to think that you can meet their entire social needs.

If cutting your hours by only 30 minutes each day allows you to collect your child from afterschool club that would be ideal. Your child could still go to your parents on the couple of days that your parents have them from 3 but come straight home on the after school club days.

I would then if possible arrange to have tea with your parents on the two days that they have your child from three. As they know you will be staying for tea they could start cooking earlier. In fact I would ask them if they know you are coming and staying for tea could you all eat a little earlier so that you can get home at a better time as you and your child are tired when getting home so late.

I wouldn't tell your parents you are changing your hours to spend less time at theirs as such I would just say that you are shortening your hours as the long days for both yourself and your child are making you both very tired - without directly linking it to your parents wanting you to stay.

@Rufusroo I book ds into Holiday Club until 6pm during most school hols. My DP collect him from there and I go after work like in term time.

@Winter2020 I think you are right, my DM in particular is struggling to settle here and is missing her previous social life. They have made some acquaintances but nothing like the circle of friends they used to be able to rely on. Hopefully that will organically develop for them.

There is so much helpful advice here, thank you everyone. I will be taking a lot of it on board.

I am going to be brave and have that conversation with my DM. My tummy is swooping with fear even thinking about it, but I do need to set some boundaries for the sake of both ds and myself and not stay longer every single night.

I am feeling more bright eyed and bushy tailed this week, probably because I had a week off work. It was so nice to pick up ds from school myself and spend more time with him at home.

It has made me think that asking to reduce my work hours is the way to go, if they'll let me. But I discussed it informally with my team leader and know my employer can't even consider it at the moment due to various pressures. So wish me luck agreeing a new routine henceforth with DM!

It’s annoying but they’re doing you a massive favour, which means you’re a bit stuck really.

My Gp used to look after us
My mum used pick us up and after a quick hello take us straight home.
We'd already been fed so it was bath , bit of tv then bed.
Couldn't imagine being much later
We'd have been shattered.

I feel like this too op, my mum always wants me to stay for a cuppa and a chat but l just want to get home and start dinner.

You really don't know how good you've got it having free childcare on tap from a loving and involved grandparent. Plenty of people would love to have that.

Have a conversation with her and agree if you're going to stay after picking up or not, but don't go around her house and pout about wanting to go home when she's doing you such a huge favour.

Yes they’re doing you a favour but that doesn’t mean you don’t still need to get your kid home and ready for bed and sort your own dinner out, surely a quick 5 min chat most nights would be fine. I wouldn’t want someone to stay and chat for an hour just because they felt obligated to.

This is my mom! Can't just pop in to collect something you need to spend an hour there talking. So I avoid going unless I have the time.

You say that you starting earlier created a problem before school, is breakfast club an option?

Did your Mum have to work full time?

Can DS Dad not get involved with picking up? I initially read it as him doing 2 pick ups a week.

I don't think it's fair for DS to be out so late - do you think they are convinced their house is nicer than your flat?

If you can afford to you should ask to either reduce or condense your hours & maybe work longer a few days & finish earlier the other day(s). It must be quite restrictive to have to be around every afternoon all year. What about if they want a holiday or an afternoon out?

I know exactly where you're coming from only dps dog sit but I'm still at there house everyday during the week

I find compromise like I can stay later a couple of days a week have a cuppa sort things out chat. Then the other days I say bye and go.

Bloody hell, that’s mad! You must absolutely dread the end of the day. I know they help you by giving you free childcare but how can they expect anyone to stay so late! I honestly think they’re expecting too much. Could you suggest one a night a week you stay? Then the rest you need to get home and sort your own life out. You must be absolutely exhausted!

I totally understand OP. I absolutely hate this, the worst is when you need to be somewhere or you’re tired. Slightly off topic but it’s one of the reasons I hate reading posts about people being late. I had DC before my friends and really struggled to find childcare and to wrap up the endless chatting when dropping my DC off with exMIL. I was a single mum and she was doing me a favour so I couldn’t just interrupt her and run off but it made me late all the time, even if I built in extra time. My friends would criticise me for being late and I’d feel so anxious. I wasn’t thinking my time was more important, as is usually posted on here, I was listening to my ex-MIL and getting increasingly stressed. I often wonder whether any of these friends feel differently now they have DC to drop off, one did apologise.

Your son is coming to an age where he won't to be stuck in at his GPS.
This conversation was going to happen sooner or later
They can't expect you to be their social club.

Can your son not stay at after school club every day and once a month spend the day with your DP.
Because I don't think it's very on you either

I don’t think it is unreasonable. Sometimes I feel like my parents don’t want me lurking around. I get a ‘oh you are coming in?’. I’m a full time working single Mum. My parents know I am knackered and I know when after I’ve picked DD up they want to watch pointless and the Chase in peace. They remember what it was like working full time/multiple jobs and looking after children. Nothing is taken personally, we all love each other, they have only got to fart and I’ll be back over their house to help them or take somewhere. My family has never been one to live in each others pockets, doesn’t mean we all don’t love each other or anything though, we all know where we are if we need each other.

they are being unfair, they shouldn’t expect you to stay 1hr plus every day. I’d adjust my hours as I couldn’t cope with that. Yes they are being helpful but they aren’t thinking of their daughter and how tired she is and how many jobs she’s got waiting at home (including cooking dinner).

Maybe plenty of people would love that but I bet they wouldn't love getting home late every night and missing one-on-one time with their child.
People don't get to do favours then demand any price for it and no complaints. Relationships are two-way.

Why can’t your parents take him to your house on the nights he’s only being picked up from ASC and then you can go straight home and they can leave?

I think your DP should understand that you are too tired to socialise after work. However I do understand that they probably want to see you. If you were my DD I'd either offer you dinner on one of the nights if you wanted it, to save you cooking, or try to arrange to spend some time with you at another time. However ultimately i wouldn't see the childcare I provided as 'buying' me your time when you'd rather be at home. So, your DP are U. Quite what you do when you're dependent on them though, I don't know.

There needs to be a compromise. You need to have a conversation about expectation. If you can’t or won’t have the conversation they still insist on you staying you need to pay for childcare or change your hours or carry on staying

Whether or not you DP are unreasonable doesn’t matter (they may very well be) in the end childcare is your responsibility.

I think you are both being reasonable:) if I were you I’d feel exactly the same but equally your parents just want to see you too. How about you explain the pressures of not getting home until later, eating late, getting DS to bed etc and say it’s not you don’t want to see them just that you’re exhausted and really pushed for time. You could suggest staying at theirs for dinner one night where you bring food or pick up takeaway on your way to theirs and so you have a good catch up and then the rest of the time limit it to 20-30 mins max?

If you have a decent employer, they should be open to more flexible work arrangements. I usually work 9-5, but on office days I leave at 4.30 and either have a shorter lunch break, or make up time up on wfh days (which means a 5.30 finish but still early enough for a 6pm after school club finish). Really recommend an open and honest chat with your line manager. Also check your flexible working policy