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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just want to go home after work?

210 replies

ManukaNourished · 10/05/2024 11:02

I would genuinely like some outside perspectives here as I am not sure who - if anyone - is BU.

I am a single parent to one child and work full time 9.30 to 5.30. DS is 8 and attends After School Club until 6pm three days a week. The other two days my DP collect him straight from school and look after him.

Due to my commute I cannot collect him from After School Club on time, so my DP pick him up and take him back to their house.

So he is at his grandparent's house every day after school and I am very grateful for their help and support and active involvement in his life. I arrive at their house at about 6.30pm to collect him.

My DM has made it very clear that she expects me to stay and socialise with them. She gets upset and offended if I only stay for long enough to say Hi etc, then collect DS and go.

So I usually stay for at least half an hour, usually an hour or longer. It is not unusual for DS and I to get home after 8pm.

Sometimes I really want to just get straight home and be at home and relax, but I recognise DPs are massively helping me out with DS. I don't want to upset DM and have her think I am taking them for granted and just using them for childcare.

One day last week I was at their house after work and felt particularly frazzled and, thinking I was alone, I whined aloud to myself "I just want to gooooo hoooome". My DM overheard me 😳

Now she is really angry and upset with me. Is she reasonable to feel like this or am I reasonable to sometimes want to just quickly scoop up DS and leave without feeling like I am being rude?

OP posts:
Keeper11 · 15/05/2024 19:58

This is really difficult and as OPs have said nobody is BU. I am a grandmother and I used to be hurt, when I wasn’t even invited in, after I delivered my granddaughter home. I used to think a brief chat with my son, was my reward for doing the school run, feeding and entertaining the child etc etc. BUT I am forced to realise they have their own lives to live and can’t spare a few minutes to chat to me. In your circumstances why don’t you set aside one evening a week, when you all eat together and have a chat. For all the other days, you pitch up, collect the kids and go home. Talk to your mum about this, it can turn into something you all look forward to. You can take wine or chocs etc etc and turn it into a really nice evening. Other posters have suggested this - we can’t all be wrong!

drusth · 15/05/2024 20:03

Keeper11 · 15/05/2024 19:58

This is really difficult and as OPs have said nobody is BU. I am a grandmother and I used to be hurt, when I wasn’t even invited in, after I delivered my granddaughter home. I used to think a brief chat with my son, was my reward for doing the school run, feeding and entertaining the child etc etc. BUT I am forced to realise they have their own lives to live and can’t spare a few minutes to chat to me. In your circumstances why don’t you set aside one evening a week, when you all eat together and have a chat. For all the other days, you pitch up, collect the kids and go home. Talk to your mum about this, it can turn into something you all look forward to. You can take wine or chocs etc etc and turn it into a really nice evening. Other posters have suggested this - we can’t all be wrong!

@Keeper11 have you genuinely missed that OP and her son often go over to her parents on weekends to spend the day with them and they all go on days out together every other weekend or are you just massively projecting? The OP is different to your son.

angela1952 · 15/05/2024 20:16

Fraggamama · 10/05/2024 11:34

That sounds really hard, of course you just want to get home after a long day!

Could you tell your parents you are having to reorganise your day at work so will be starting at 9am so could they cover before school instead of after? That way you could just drop him at theirs as run as you'd be on way to work and you'd do the after school club pick up yourself?

I'm a grandmother and not really a morning person but much prefer doing the mornings, it means that my DD has more time with them after school and can do the homework and reading as well as have more time to relax. I collect from school one day a week as she goes in (normally WFH) and I give them supper. They don't do after school club but she can do a full days work by the end of the school day if she starts at 7.

berksandbeyond · 15/05/2024 20:20

That’s the price you pay for free childcare, you pay with your sanity

OldPerson · 15/05/2024 20:20

You need to talk with your parents.

No one likes feeling unappreciated - especially your grandparents as daily childcare and taxi service for your child.

The onus is on you to apologise. Explain to them that you feel under a lot of pressure right now. Tell them you're not sleeping as well as you could.

And state how incredibly grateful you are for their support.

But if ds is at their home every day after school - talk to your parents and maybe agree on Friday nights you stay and socialise and maybe have dinner there?

Because you do know how unappreciated they feel. Because you would not have whined and been rude, if you hadn't felt unappreciated yourself for all the hours you work to support yourself and ds.

Sunnnybunny72 · 15/05/2024 20:31

This is it you see. Nothing ever really comes free. Every day is a big big ask. You are going to be so beholden as they age, it's expected already.

drusth · 15/05/2024 20:36

OldPerson · 15/05/2024 20:20

You need to talk with your parents.

No one likes feeling unappreciated - especially your grandparents as daily childcare and taxi service for your child.

The onus is on you to apologise. Explain to them that you feel under a lot of pressure right now. Tell them you're not sleeping as well as you could.

And state how incredibly grateful you are for their support.

But if ds is at their home every day after school - talk to your parents and maybe agree on Friday nights you stay and socialise and maybe have dinner there?

Because you do know how unappreciated they feel. Because you would not have whined and been rude, if you hadn't felt unappreciated yourself for all the hours you work to support yourself and ds.

What is OP supposed to apologise for? Visiting her parents on weekends to spend the day with them and going on days out together every other weekend?

Staying and socialising with her mum 80% of the time after pick up?

Chirawehaha · 15/05/2024 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

She agreed with me, so no it was not.

I think the entirety of your comment is completely unnecessary, as we’re sharing opinions. OP asked for opinions and I gave mine. The fact that you’ve spoken aloud to yourself isn’t my concern.

shehasglasses48 · 15/05/2024 21:14

Not at all! But I Know that feeling and the guilt afterwards. Reverse the situation and would you make your kids feel like that in the future? Probably not x

Absolutelyridiculous · 15/05/2024 21:19

Aw, I feel for you. Has your mum never been out to work?
When mine were younger I always wanted to pick them up as early as my job would allow as I always felt guilty not collecting them from school myself. And you have so much to do once getting them home, making tea, getting clean clothes for next day, lunch boxes, homework.
I'd try and get my hours re arranged so that maybe you could use after school club or Calculate if it's worth paying after school fees or reducing your hours ..less tax and NI
I do feel for you as it's a long day for children and mine were always tired & hungry & ready for home by 3.30pm.
They aren't little for long either.
Once at high school you can maybe reschedule things .
Good luck & all the best. Xx

OttoandHoney · 15/05/2024 21:30

Can you leave some pjs and toothbrush at their house and when you get there run him a bath and have a cuppa etc with you parents while he’s in the bath and when you take him home he’s sorted for bed? Assuming they feed him tea too.

drusth · 15/05/2024 21:31

OttoandHoney · 15/05/2024 21:30

Can you leave some pjs and toothbrush at their house and when you get there run him a bath and have a cuppa etc with you parents while he’s in the bath and when you take him home he’s sorted for bed? Assuming they feed him tea too.

She wants to go home, she should be allowed to go home.

Original poster
ManukaNourished · 15/05/2024 22:02

This thread has been so valuable, thank you everyone. It has properly renewed my appreciation for how much my parents do for ds and I, and how much they fit their lives around us.

I said in my OP that I did appreciate them but reading the replies I realise that to some extent I was paying lip service to the idea, because I was starting to resent so much feeling obliged to be there and getting no real downtime during the week.

So it is good to be reminded how lucky I really am. Having said that, I am reassured that I am not being totally unreasonable either.

I am going to talk to DM using all the good advice here, and tell her I need to pick up and run two days a week, because I really do need more time at home and so does ds.

But so far I am bottling it! I have apologised to DM for saying what she overheard, but I only said that I was sorry for what I said and she said "yes" and that's been that so far. Why is it so hard sometimes to feel like an adult when you're dealing with your parents?!

OP posts:
lemming40 · 15/05/2024 22:07

Reduce your hours. If you can't then find a new job. If you don't want to take your DM's free childcare then look after your own child.

Original poster
ManukaNourished · 15/05/2024 22:29

lemming40 · 15/05/2024 22:07

Reduce your hours. If you can't then find a new job. If you don't want to take your DM's free childcare then look after your own child.

Did you miss the bit where I said my DP relocated when they retired and asked me to move here too so that I didn't "deprive them of their grandson"?

I like it here but I moved away from London where childcare, public transport and even other jobs would have been more widely available, and most of my friends were only a short hop away.

When DP go away for breaks and holidays, DS and I move into their home for the duration to catsit and look after the house and garden. I help out in other ways too. It isn't just a one way street.

OP posts:
Delphiniumandlupins · 15/05/2024 22:30

Let your parents know how much you appreciate all the childcare they're doing for you. If you're not staying long explain that you need to get DS home for dinner, do homework, have a bath or whatever but make sure they hear that you wish you could stay rather than "I want to go home". Perhaps arrange in advance that you will have dinner with them one night a week?

Jeannie88 · 15/05/2024 22:42

Even being lucky with the free childcare it sounds hard for you OP, as with any SP, so difficult when the dads dont help.

The logical solution would be to ensure you have one evening as a longer one and the others a quick click and collect! You see them on a weekend and you do need to get home for you and dc absolutely.

Could you reduce your hours, could they take them to your home?

Long days every day with little evening relaxation aren't easy. Xx

pollymere · 15/05/2024 22:52

Could you work 09:15 to 17:15? I used to do that as it meant I could catch certain trains. Would that help?

Dotcomma · 16/05/2024 02:31

Does your dad have any input into what your mum expects from you or does he just stay out of it?

Yes they are being really good to you and DS with childcare but it sounds like your mum is still wanting to parent you too and control your time. When you agreed to move to be near them so they could help with DS, after they moved first, did they buy a house that was big enough for you all - I'm just wondering if DM is sometimes a bit manipulative - luckily you've kept your independence but there's an undercurrent of a power struggle going on - like you're supposed to please her and do as she says. She's making you feel guilty for wanting to be in your own home - there can't be that much opportunity for mum/son time during the week as things are and I think you need to prioritise that time rather than doing what your mum wants. You need to talk to her and gently remind her that you have your own home and can make your own choices about how to spend your time after work.

I think she sounds like a bit of a control freak - making you feel guilty for wanting to go home when clearly she thinks you should do what she wants. You're not even allowed to say you want to go home without her scolding you. Does she think you're 12?

CalmConfident · 16/05/2024 03:00

not sure if this had been suggested or not yet. Could your DS have a sleepover one night midweek - so all evening and then taken to school by GP in morning? It sounds like space is not an issue given the house and cat sitting when they are on holidays . Does he have a room there?

You could then potentially use those 2 days to do a late finish and an early start to bump up your hours to enable one day elsewhere in the week to go straight home.

GP might see this as a positive and it gives flexibility for you

T1Dmama · 16/05/2024 06:51

Use this an opportunity now!
Say to your mother ‘I’m sorry I upset you BUT after work I’m exhausted and really do need to go home and have some time alone with DS before bed, you must barely see him! tell her 8pm is far too late for you and DS to be getting home. I would politely ask her if she could start cooking earlier once a week so you can both eat With them and still be home at a reasonable time…
Can you arrange morning childcare so you can finish early enough to pick DS up yourself on those 3 nights? Does his school not do breakfast club?

It is very good of your parents to have your son but it shouldn’t be used as a way of manipulating you into spending time with them every bloody day after work when you’re exhausted! I would just turn up and not even step in side, just state ‘I’ve had a really day, am exhausted and need to go home ‘ she might sulk at first but it will soon become the norm…. Just say (if questioned) that we will see you at the weekend, but after work I just need to collect and run ‘

JustBeKinder · 16/05/2024 07:01

I look after my grandchildren, one during the day and one school pick up, I love them dearly but I also love when mum or dad picks them up, they ll be ready and waiting and I ll be on the settee with my feet up as soon as the doors closed lol 🤣 when I want to see my daughter or vice versa I ll pop round to see her for a cuppa or she ll come to me on her day off. After work days and childcare days we all just want to be in our own homes because we re all tired needing to relax, think you need to sit down and explain to your parents and maybe make a different time with them for socialising

T1Dmama · 16/05/2024 07:07

Do you think your mum is coercive/controlling? It isn’t normal that you don’t feel able to talk to her about something as fundamental as having time alone with your son after work with your son. And it’s not normal for a mother to not understand how tired her DD must be after a day at work… and sulk rather than respect your wishes!

T1Dmama · 16/05/2024 07:09

And I say that as someone who has a lovely mother myself, but she is controlling and does try to have a day over everything I do, even if that’s just putting her opinion across, sometimes rather rudely and upsets me!

Original poster
ManukaNourished · 16/05/2024 07:18

@T1Dmama She does have some of those traits yes. I am aware that there was an awful lot of unmet emotional need in her young life and I think one result of it is that she constantly needs proof that she is loved and valued.

OP posts:
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