To just want to go home after work?

[ManukaNourished]

I would genuinely like some outside perspectives here as I am not sure who - if anyone - is BU.

I am a single parent to one child and work full time 9.30 to 5.30. DS is 8 and attends After School Club until 6pm three days a week. The other two days my DP collect him straight from school and look after him.

Due to my commute I cannot collect him from After School Club on time, so my DP pick him up and take him back to their house.

So he is at his grandparent's house every day after school and I am very grateful for their help and support and active involvement in his life. I arrive at their house at about 6.30pm to collect him.

My DM has made it very clear that she expects me to stay and socialise with them. She gets upset and offended if I only stay for long enough to say Hi etc, then collect DS and go.

So I usually stay for at least half an hour, usually an hour or longer. It is not unusual for DS and I to get home after 8pm.

Sometimes I really want to just get straight home and be at home and relax, but I recognise DPs are massively helping me out with DS. I don't want to upset DM and have her think I am taking them for granted and just using them for childcare.

One day last week I was at their house after work and felt particularly frazzled and, thinking I was alone, I whined aloud to myself "I just want to gooooo hoooome". My DM overheard me 😳

Now she is really angry and upset with me. Is she reasonable to feel like this or am I reasonable to sometimes want to just quickly scoop up DS and leave without feeling like I am being rude?

He told her of course she hadn't, I was just trying to get my DC home for dinner and out to clubs. He did have my back at least.

Is your mum an unreasonable adult usually?

Can't you just talk to her and explain you love seeing her but you also need to go home from collecting your child a few nights a week, and you are happy to stay sometimes but not all the time?

As lovely as this help is. it shouldn't come with strings attached like this. As a single parent you are already doing the job of 2 parents and having to do that in the limited time you get a home of an evening must be mentally and physically exhausting for you and for your son, when does he get time to have a relaxed bedtime routine in his own home?
Meanwhile, your parents are relying on you for their social life and this isn't feasible long term, they need to develop their own and they won't do this when commandeering your time is the easier option. but your son won't need picking up in a few more years. What will they do then?
I don't envy this conversation with your mum. I have one that responds badly to anything she views as criticism so best of luck with that.
Could you suggest a regular Friday night dinner and stay then for a bit as a compromise, as you wont have school in the morning?

@ManukaNourished your son is 8, where's his downtime.
He needs to be playing with his friend's.
Also is there clubs in the area that your ds can go.
Maybe ask one of the other mums to help and you can return the favour some weekend.

You have had lots of great advice on this thread, I'm not sure if my thoughts really help

Your son wasn't great with breakfast club, but he's not really coping with getting home at 8pm each night either. I think getting him used to breakfast club and moving your hours to allow you to pick him up 3 nights a week would work better for you all

My parents used to pick up my son very day from school and by the time I got to theirs to pick him up the last thing I wanted to do was hang around and socialise - I just wanted to get home and start his evening routine. However, I was lucky and it was never said about staying I didn't want to seem ungrateful.

The way I resolved it was out of the 4 days I picked him up I would stay longer either for a cup of tea and a chat on one of the days, it actually worked out even better as sometimes they would do my dinner.

This worked for both parties

Have you actually spoken to your Mum about this, you're not being unreasonable and you're doing a great job. Remember the years fly by so you won't always need their help but at the moment they are giving you a great deal.of support.

OP your DM is being unreasonable, there are times for socialising and times not. With a tired parent and a tired child on a 'school night', where rest and routine is important, it's not the time for socialising. Your DM is being controlling and disingenuous using the childcare to try to get more of what works for her, but not for your family. This is quite common sadly. She either needs to provide the childcare (if she wants to do it) and enjoy the time with her grandchild and arrange socialising separately in ways that are mutually convenient, or not do the childcare and still arrange socialising in a ways that is mutually convenient, there isn't a third option no matter how much she thinks there should be. But, as with many a thread previously, it might be the case that family childcare isn't going to work out for you OP.

Agree. That was one of the most batshit crazy suggestions I’ve heard.

Can you say 'mom, is it OK if I just grab him from the door on Tuesdays (or whatever day), because I have to be home by 6.30 (or whatever time), because I'm really struggling to find time to catch up on housework/laundry/personal hygiene/bills/forms for school/whatever and I'm absolutely and totally exhausted and really struggling with everything right now. We can still keep the other day(s) for catching up'

Lay on a guilt trip/poor me story, so she can't guilt trip you back

Tricky one. We are GPs but only pick up our DGD one day a week and then take her back to her own house. If we had her every day after school or after school club even if only for half an hour or so it would be incredibly restrictive so I think you are lucky they help you to that degree. However I think if you work full time and have had a long day it is not unreasonable to expect you to want to go home straight after picking him up.

Do you see them weekends? Maybe a conversation just saying how much you appreciate their help but after a long day at work sometimes you need to go home and decompress so point out it is the FT work that is wearing you out not them. Staying one night per week for dinner and maybe seeing them briefly on the other four nights but making time to see them weekends or school holidays might help?

Suggest you bring a take away dinner one night a week. Be happy to stay a couple of hours.
Let them know you are a busy working mum, and need time to get dinner, school lunch for next day, early nights on school nights.

OMG my kids stay too long we just want them to piss off after doing 8 to 9 hours of childcare. I mean I love them but I have a life too.

This is the crux of it for me. My parents have the kids twice a week after school until either my husband or I picks them up, at around 5:45pm. My parents understand that we just want to take them home and not hang around to socialise, but we also make a real effort to see them outside of these childcare arrangements. We often have them over for dinner or a day out at the weekend, or I will meet my mum for a coffee on my day off. I am so grateful to them for the childcare, I would hate for them to think we take it for granted!

I had a similar situation for a year -not parents but an old friend, although I was paying her it was still similar situation as she viewed me as friend calling in, and wanted me there for coffee chat gossip every day, offered to feed us at least once every couple of weeks, no matter how many times i'd say i was dashing she'd say oh I have the lunchbox/coat/ school bag in kitchen just come in for a min and i'd be stuck, or they will be finished watching x in ten mins, or i told the kids they could go next door to play on swings to give us time for a private chat. I have to admit i didn't have the guts to have a frank conversation, i didn't want to hurt her feelings, and i thinks she was lonely missing work , her husband usually only got in after 9pm, etc. I just claimed i was addicted to eastenders and had to get home in time to have things sorted so i could watch it at 7.30, that was a couple of nights a week, claimed i had a Tesco delivery one evening a week, made a special effort one day to arrive with biscuits and gossip.

I agree.
Whilst its great that she helps you out.

Your DS must be absolutely exhausted by the time you get home.
It disrupts putting to bed routine,
never mind homework which will start to increase.
and cooking evening meal, daily chores and getting Yourself ready for the next day.
Maybe if you let your Mum know this aspect of it, she might begin to understand. There's been some helpful suggestion on here about having an agreed "late" and then agreed days when you go straight home.

We had something similar with one childminder (paid) who used to insist on lingering chats at pick up and then started bringing out wine etc.. and getting home later and It was like extending the work day really. I couldn't stop before bedtime and it was knackering.

OP I feel your pain!!

my DP’s collect my son from school 3 days per week and I finish 530pm. He is in school two days per week for after school club.

Fortunately my mum is great and I text her “need to do a quick turn around time” and she gets him ready at the door. Some days I go in too, but not if tired and got to get back and cook tea etc. she’s always super chilled either way. I also pay her £50 a week. She wasn’t comfortable with it but I felt happier she wasn’t being taken advantage of.

I book dentist etc on the days she has him and she takes him to various things like that. If I’m running late she will sort his tea.

Sometimes you just need to say “I’m wiped from work and just need to get home to start the wind down routine from work because I’m shattered”.

Your mam sounds lovely and thoughtful.

YANBU

it’s exhausting and it’s not good for the children getting home that late . I understand they want to see you but I think the way they’re acting about it is being a bit unreasonable as they are making it as something you own them .

I would explain to them that you really appreciate what they are doing but you are exhausted and even say the children are really tired the next day . Maybe say if they’re feeling a bit used , maybe you should find other arrangements ( likely they will say not to ) but say you want your time with them to be quality - to chat to them when you’re not exhausted and worrying about everything you have to do when you get in ! Maybe arrange a time ( not weekly - maybe a day once a month ) where you come and spend the day with them

Do you do a 35 hour week, 1 hour a day unpaid lunch? I would put a flexible working request to reduce to a 30 min lunch, finish at 5 and do pick up 3 days a week yourself if you could.

Can your mother not have your child at your house after school instead of paying for after school club or take to yours after the after school club.

I think your mother is being high maintenance. YANBU

To be honest I feel it’s really selfish of your DM to expect you to hang around. Who wants to get home at 8, that’s no evening for your DC or you. Can’t you agree to collect and run then maybe commit to spend a Friday night there or something? Are you then getting home at 8 and cooking dinner?

I totally understand you want to go straight home after picking up your DS. Can’t you talk to your parents about how tired you feel after work and perhaps to have the evening with them once per week - eg on a Friday when you could have a meal with them. It is a bit inconsiderate of your DPs not to understand your situation.

I would feel exactly the same as you. To smooth things a bit with her can you just say your DS looks tired every morning and you should try to get home a bit earlier for bedtime routine so he can get more sleep?