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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be concerned with how my boyfriend acted when I was ill?

584 replies

Vlop · 09/05/2024 05:49

I'm 30 and he's 31. I've been with him for 18 months, during which I never got ill. He even commented on this saying it's really good.

We've travelled to another continent for his work last week. I tagged along as he wanted me to but got very sick with sore throat and running nose 2 days ago.

We wake up at 6.30 for work (he goes to the office and I work from the hotel room we're staying). Last night we went to bed at 10.30pm and I woke up literally feeling suffocated at 10.45pm. He hadn't fallen asleep yet. I asked him if he could get me flu relief hot drink. It's the only thing that actually works for me.

He went out and got back saying the store 2 minutes away didn't have any medication. I tried to sleep but was really struggling so asked him if there was any pharmacy nearby. He Googled and said that the nearest one was half an hour away and couldn't walk. He did have a car but didn't offer to drive. I explicitly told him that I was really struggling and really needed some medicine. He wasn't doing anything so I asked him to at least phone reception for medication. The phone didn't work so he had to go downstairs. At that stage he was getting really mean to me, making comments like 'I want this over with, let's get you a medicine and be done' etc. It wasn't even 11pm at this point. He came back with one random loose tablet which had no expiry date on and I didn't know who touched it. Tablets never help me anyway so I told him not to worry. Made myself some tea and dozed off.

In the morning I found out that his foot was hurting. He didn't tell me this last night so I didn't know and it explains some of the irritable behaviour. I also understand maybe I was being slightly difficult as I was really physically struggling (first time in our relationship, I'm not a princess). Today he texted me at work to see how I am only once and when he got back I told him I didn't feel like having dinner and he went out alone to eat. Don't think he even asked me if I wanted anything. I find that lack of empathy/compassion a red flag. AIBU?

OP posts:
Zampa · 09/05/2024 05:54

Imagine a future when you have children and whilst unwell, he won't step up to give you time to recover.

After only 18 months, he should be spoon feeding your Lemsip and bringing you all your favourite treats.

Hairyfairy01 · 09/05/2024 05:55

Sorry but I think you sound very OTT and demanding. I don't understand how you can go from falling asleep at 10:30 feeling fine to waking up 15 minutes later expecting him to go on a wild goose chase for medication in a foreign country, at night, when he has work the next day. The fact you ended up having a cup of tea and managed to get through the night basically confirms you were being OTT.

Noicant · 09/05/2024 05:57

Yeah it’s not going to work, first time I was ill Dh fussed over me (I actually don’t like it, I want a cup of tea, medicine, hot water bottle to be left alone and a nap) and he carried on being helpful through the years. Lots of stuff happens over a lifetime and you need someone you can rely on to do whats needed when you aren’t able to do it for yourself and vice versa.

Noicant · 09/05/2024 05:59

Tbf I probably wouldn’t ask DH to go out for me but he would if I needed him to. He definitely wouldn’t go out for dinner without me.

HazelWicker · 09/05/2024 06:03

I think you sound quite princessy to be honest. It was late at night, he was probably tired. It's not like he told you to get over yourself and did nothing. You sounded quite grumpy and if you've not been unwell before he might not know how best to be with you. One of my friends is a nightmare if she is in any pain, can't bear to be around anyone so we all have to leave her to it on her own (which is what she wants) but you feel like a total arsehole doing so.

Overthebow · 09/05/2024 06:03

He went out to get you medicine but they didn’t have any. did you seriously expect him to go on an hours round trip at 11pm to try and find more? You managed to get to sleep anyway very soon after so you were ok. For the dinner, you said you didn’t want dinner so why would he ask you what you wanted? He texted you at work but that wasn’t enough apparently. You sound like hard work.

Willmafrockfit · 09/05/2024 06:05

you do sound unreasonable op

pictoosh · 09/05/2024 06:07

Hairyfairy01 · 09/05/2024 05:55

Sorry but I think you sound very OTT and demanding. I don't understand how you can go from falling asleep at 10:30 feeling fine to waking up 15 minutes later expecting him to go on a wild goose chase for medication in a foreign country, at night, when he has work the next day. The fact you ended up having a cup of tea and managed to get through the night basically confirms you were being OTT.

Agree with this. Unless there's more to it, I think you were being unreasonable and demanding to tell the truth.

Josette77 · 09/05/2024 06:07

It was late. It was not the time for him to running all over looking for meds.

I think you were being high maintenance.

HospitalStayNHS · 09/05/2024 06:08

You’re getting a hard time here OP. Unnecessarily, but your BF did help and I don’t think he did too bad. Give him a chance. Hope you feel better soon.

PBandJ111 · 09/05/2024 06:09

You do come across as a snowflake.

Inspireme2 · 09/05/2024 06:11

Perhaps always carry some pain relief in your bag or handbag incase you need it.
The not taking a tablet from a single pills abit overly fussy if you are sick u less he is trying to drug you.

Original poster
Vlop · 09/05/2024 06:11

The pharmacy was 5 minute drive away (half an hour WALK). I 100% would've gone for him. I did look after him when he did get sick a couple of times before, because I care about him.

I was definitely delusional as I had high fever. I was trying to ease my pain up. Don't remember feeling that bad in the last decade. And no, I didn't just happen to doze off after my tea. It definitely helped but I struggled for who knows how long.

Last thing to clarify, we're in a safe English speaking country so not a wild goose chase in some random country.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 09/05/2024 06:12

I wouldn't go on a chase for a flu relief hot drink at 11pm with work the next day, especially abroad.

If it were me that was unwell I'd accept it wasn't happening, thank my dh for trying, take a paracetamol and wait till the morning for my flu relief drink.

So there you go.

ZekeZeke · 09/05/2024 06:13

Zampa · 09/05/2024 05:54

Imagine a future when you have children and whilst unwell, he won't step up to give you time to recover.

After only 18 months, he should be spoon feeding your Lemsip and bringing you all your favourite treats.

This 100%

junebirthdaygirl · 09/05/2024 06:15

I think he may be having second thoughts! He had to go into work and you had him running around a strange place late at night in what wasn't an emergency. I wouldn't even expect my dh of 40 years to do that. I'm impressed he did venture out at least in an attempt to find something.

A hot port from the bar might have helped.
In future remember to always pack a few first aid bits travelling abroad as finding even the basics in another language is a nuisance. We always have a little stash although rarely need it. I find the plane journey often causes a blocked nose.

Hairyfairy01 · 09/05/2024 06:15

The point you are missing was it was night time, in an unfamiliar country and he had work the next day. You may well have felt rough but you were ok 15 minutes before. To be honest I think he went above and beyond all things considered.

crumbpet · 09/05/2024 06:15

I have dated several men like this. They expected me to nurse them and fuss over them but I had to fend for myself. One of them was particularly brutal when I had several hospital appointments, wouldn't come with me for any of them and expected sex like some sort of sex pest.

Seagrassbasket · 09/05/2024 06:19

Lovey - you weren’t delusional unless you had a temperature over about 42, in which case you needed a hospital, not a lemsip.

Do you not carry basic medication around in your bag when travelling?

I agree a partner not taking care of you when you are sick is definitely a red flag. But you are sounding like a princess here.

Coshei · 09/05/2024 06:19

This was not an emergency that really required a drive to the pharmacy in the middle of the night. It sounds like you both have different perspectives what “really sick” because this isn’t it:

”very sick with sore throat and running nose 2 days ago.”

FannyFifer · 09/05/2024 06:20

Most folk would prob just take paracetamol & get preferred meds the next day unless it was an emergency, which this wasn't.

pictoosh · 09/05/2024 06:20

Are these drinks not just another form of paracetamol anyway?

Should have asked him to get a jar of honey, a lemon and a pack of paracetamol then boiled the kettle. Same thing.

Or does it need to be a special 'out of a packet' drink?

MiddleParking · 09/05/2024 06:20

I’d be far more concerned about him sulking today and not bringing you any dinner when you’ve travelled to a different continent to keep him company and you’re feeling unwell. I think that’s dreadful, actually. Don’t put yourself out for him any more.

afraidand · 09/05/2024 06:21

I am confused about what you wanted him to do? I think he did everything that could be expected, and maybe a bit more

rwalker · 09/05/2024 06:27

Personally I would of just had paracetamol or gone and got it myself
can’t stand drama around illnesses and 100% just want to be left alone
this is the way I was brought up and it’s ingrained in me
to my mum illness was an inconvenience

he sounds similar as hurt his foot but cracked in and said nothing

i would of found the whole episode hard work