To be concerned with how my boyfriend acted when I was ill?

[Vlop]

I'm 30 and he's 31. I've been with him for 18 months, during which I never got ill. He even commented on this saying it's really good.

We've travelled to another continent for his work last week. I tagged along as he wanted me to but got very sick with sore throat and running nose 2 days ago.

We wake up at 6.30 for work (he goes to the office and I work from the hotel room we're staying). Last night we went to bed at 10.30pm and I woke up literally feeling suffocated at 10.45pm. He hadn't fallen asleep yet. I asked him if he could get me flu relief hot drink. It's the only thing that actually works for me.

He went out and got back saying the store 2 minutes away didn't have any medication. I tried to sleep but was really struggling so asked him if there was any pharmacy nearby. He Googled and said that the nearest one was half an hour away and couldn't walk. He did have a car but didn't offer to drive. I explicitly told him that I was really struggling and really needed some medicine. He wasn't doing anything so I asked him to at least phone reception for medication. The phone didn't work so he had to go downstairs. At that stage he was getting really mean to me, making comments like 'I want this over with, let's get you a medicine and be done' etc. It wasn't even 11pm at this point. He came back with one random loose tablet which had no expiry date on and I didn't know who touched it. Tablets never help me anyway so I told him not to worry. Made myself some tea and dozed off.

In the morning I found out that his foot was hurting. He didn't tell me this last night so I didn't know and it explains some of the irritable behaviour. I also understand maybe I was being slightly difficult as I was really physically struggling (first time in our relationship, I'm not a princess). Today he texted me at work to see how I am only once and when he got back I told him I didn't feel like having dinner and he went out alone to eat. Don't think he even asked me if I wanted anything. I find that lack of empathy/compassion a red flag. AIBU?

Incorrect. From the OP's second post:

"I was definitely delusional as I had high fever"

Honestly, at the nub of all this is that you can have whatever expectations you like of your partner and can walk away for any reason you like.

Just because some women would find the OP's boyfriend's level of effort good enough for them, doesn't mean you have to accept it.

The posters trying to shame the OP on here for finding him lacking aren't doing it for the OP's benefit (there's been no gentle, "come on now, don't lose a good relationship for something minor or you might regret it" - which is what you'd expect of posters were actually concerned for the OP herself) which means they are doing it for reasons of their own.

I would say the reasons for the attempted shaming is either they are people who don't themselves want to be held to higher standards of care and are concerned that this will become the norm and they'll look bad if other people's expectations aren't kept down, or they are people whose own partners would never treat them with those higher standards of care and they don't like being made to feel lesser-than because other people's partners would, and happily so. So they have to denigrate examples of it.

Ultimately, just do what's right for you and live as you're happy living. If you're genuinely happy not to give or receive this kind of care when you're ill, just crack on and stop calling the OP names for feeling differently.

I definitely agree with this. So many people have low standards of men. The amount of women I know who hate oral sex but do it because "he'll leave if I don't and ALL men expect that anyway" No! You should be able to explain to your partner that oral sex is not what you ever want to do and they should be OK with that, same as anal. Everyone talks about my husband with extreme high regard. Everyone jealous that I have a good man who loves his kids dearly and me. He wasn't born like that, he's been crafted during our relationship to treat a woman with respect and to understand my expectations. At the start of the relationship, he obviously didn't know my expectations just as I didn't know his and we got to know each other and figured things out. Because we love each other, we want to make each other happy so we make compromises on decisions.

I think the expectations thing goes both ways.

It's not unreasonable to expect a partner to be self sufficient when they have a minor illness.

I would find it really unattractive if DH behaved like the OP with a cold and going on the dressing gown of doom posts on other threads, a lot of people feel the same way.

It doesn't mean we don't care about each other when we are seriously ill or have high standards.

I also feel like the best behaviour point goes both ways too. In the early stages of a relationship, I wouldn't expect anyone to be sending their boy/girl friend out on late night errands.

Many posters have just answered the OP's question but some on both sides haven't been very nice about it at times. No-one should be trying to shame anyone on here IMO - including posters doing those that don't agree with them. Just because some of us feel the OP isn't being entirely fair to her BF doesn't mean we have awful relationships/low expectations/sh*t partners/are men/have low standards of men/get pressurised into performing sexual acts/etc which mostly hasn't even insinuated but has been given as a statement of fact

And you can't police what other posters say on here. OP didn't ask if she should work on her relationship she asked AIBU?

Oh dear. You'd better never go to a silver service restaurant, you'll be horrified when your drink is served from the right side by placing it on a coaster. The cutlery and napkin will be in place. Even your plate will be put on the table rather than thrust into your hands. It's truly feral!!

Where do you people get this batshit nonsense from anyway?

I have a good man who loves his kids dearly and me. He wasn't born like that he's been crafted during our relationship to treat a woman with respect and to understand my expectations. At the start of the relationship, he obviously didn't know my expectations just as I didn't know his and we got to know each other and figured things out. Because we love each other, we want to make each other happy so we make compromises on decisions.

Yes, me too

Although OH wasn't crafted during our relationship to treat a woman with respect and to understand my expectations - he came like that fortunately. And I likewise treat him with respect and appreciation most of the time!(which OP didn't IMO)

I don't think I've ever met a woman who isn't self sufficient , every one I've ever met carries (certainly at thirty) their own strip of paracetamol .
OP seems for a single woman in her thirties very dependant on other people .How can you get to thirty and be so dependant ? You spent two days at a hotel with an oncoming cold and not once did you think you need to be prepared and go out and get some paracetamol , to you know think I might need this .
No your answer seems to be I've got a boyfriend for that .

This sounds a bit like - all women are multi - tasters, all women are good at the stuff needed for celebrations so cards, presents, buffets, all women are organised. They are not and sometimes men aren’t all solution based, good at detail, shit at celebrations and good at multi tasking. We don’t all conform to gender stereotypes!

not tasters

What ?

So a woman buying and carrying her own medication is a gender stereotypes 🙄.

it's sexist to associate certain characteristics with males/females and they aren’t lacking in some way just because they don’t meet with some stereotype society has about men and women I.e that the OP is lacking in some way as doesn’t have paracetamol on her, jeez it isn’t a big deal really!

Yes it is a big deal really she takes no responsibilities for herself and you brought up stereo types .You seem to think it has something to do with stereotypes . Maybe OP likes other people to take her needs into account .Sorry that's just crazy . She needs to look after herself first . She is a grown adult and her boyfriend will get rid , no one likes an adult who acts like a child . 30 yr old and doesn't carry her own painkillers !
By the way ,it's not sexist she just thinks she rather likes being treated like a child .

What is ridiculous and pathetic is MN 'ttrs old enough to look after themselves taking no responsibilities for themselves when the are adults .She had two days in the hotel where she faffed about . Didn't give a second thought to going out getting the Lemsip she might need .No that's what the boyfriend is for , a good go-for .

Well in the scheme of things, objectively not having some paracetamol on you is not a big deal!

I am genuinely struggling to understand this mindset- ‘Maybe OP likes other people to take her needs into account. Sorry that’s just crazy.’ Is this a wind up as it seems such a obscure thing to say. For starters plenty of people like to have their needs taken into account by their boyfriend or girlfriend, we are not talking about Joe public from the street. Mutual care for each other in a relationship is hardly ‘crazy’. I’m married so maybe my expectations are different but it wouldn’t even cross our minds to think badly of one of us not bringing paracetamol, at least my DH hasn’t claimed grounds for a divorce yet on the unreasonable behaviour of no paracetamol on holiday! I wonder what world people occupy when they live like this!

I’m a compassionate person and tend to nurture people but your Princessy behaviour over a cold is completely OTT. I think he did very well to respond in the way he did. Please consider very carefully how you respond to minor illness and if you happen to get pregnant at any stage. It’s not a good look to expect others to wait on you hand and foot when you’re more than capable of doing these things yourself.

Well plenty of people are married , she joined him on a work trip . what you should never try to do is make your husband/wife life harder .If she was really ill I could understand , but she wasn.t . Her boyfriend was there to work and all she tried to do was make life harder for him . It won't have gone well .
I've been married many years and last thing we ever want to do is make things harder for each other being demanding when there is no need .That's just ludicrous . Anyone who has been married a good amount of time knows there are enough real problems without making them up .

Yup. Exactly this.

If I’d be in the OP’s shoes and DP had volunteered to go out, I’d have said not to. It’s late at night, he has an early start on a work trip and I only have the sniffles (and had all day to sort myself out with medication).

Anyone who would actually expect their DP to go out lemsip-hunting in these circumstances is extremely selfish (and yes, princessy).

Since you have no idea what you are talking about ! You have no idea what to say so start with the insults . You must be immature .

I wouldn't judge anyone for forgetting paracetamol but I would expect DH in this scenario to have asked me during the day to pick some up or to have popped out during the day himself, not ask me at 11pm when I am trying to get to sleep.

“Let them be men” 😂

What a backward little pwincess, needing her big strong man to dash out when her ickle nosey-wose has the sniffles.