To be concerned with how my boyfriend acted when I was ill?

[Vlop]

I'm 30 and he's 31. I've been with him for 18 months, during which I never got ill. He even commented on this saying it's really good.

We've travelled to another continent for his work last week. I tagged along as he wanted me to but got very sick with sore throat and running nose 2 days ago.

We wake up at 6.30 for work (he goes to the office and I work from the hotel room we're staying). Last night we went to bed at 10.30pm and I woke up literally feeling suffocated at 10.45pm. He hadn't fallen asleep yet. I asked him if he could get me flu relief hot drink. It's the only thing that actually works for me.

He went out and got back saying the store 2 minutes away didn't have any medication. I tried to sleep but was really struggling so asked him if there was any pharmacy nearby. He Googled and said that the nearest one was half an hour away and couldn't walk. He did have a car but didn't offer to drive. I explicitly told him that I was really struggling and really needed some medicine. He wasn't doing anything so I asked him to at least phone reception for medication. The phone didn't work so he had to go downstairs. At that stage he was getting really mean to me, making comments like 'I want this over with, let's get you a medicine and be done' etc. It wasn't even 11pm at this point. He came back with one random loose tablet which had no expiry date on and I didn't know who touched it. Tablets never help me anyway so I told him not to worry. Made myself some tea and dozed off.

In the morning I found out that his foot was hurting. He didn't tell me this last night so I didn't know and it explains some of the irritable behaviour. I also understand maybe I was being slightly difficult as I was really physically struggling (first time in our relationship, I'm not a princess). Today he texted me at work to see how I am only once and when he got back I told him I didn't feel like having dinner and he went out alone to eat. Don't think he even asked me if I wanted anything. I find that lack of empathy/compassion a red flag. AIBU?

I vote you're both being unreasonable.

Expecting him to run around after you because you have a cold at 11pm is unreasonable. We've all had nights where we feel ill and don't have the stuff we'd like.

But equally his attitude sounds cold and uncaring. And to wake up saying his foot is hurting - Jesus wept. Sounds like he needs all the attention on him. IME men like this are selfish and incapable of looking after others. My lovely DP would do anything for me any time of the day or night - that's what you want! Although I wouldn't ask him to.

He's shown you who he is - believe him. Don't have kids with him.

I always think with AIBU, it's worth remembering that the OP's version of events will always be told with bias and bits get added if relipies aren't on side (The fact you switched up from having a sore throat to having a fever that causes delusion shows this.)

Even with the bias you come across as quite extreme about being ill. Considering you wouldn't take medication that was a tablet form of one you think is the only one that works for you. (Thats psychological its not different in a pharmaceutical sense.) I think the fact you wouldn't take the tablets because you "didn't know who touched it" shows you are overtly anxious.

Even in your own telling of events he did nothing unreasonable or lacked caring:

• He checked for places to get medication.
• He went out to get you a specific medication.
• He checked again for places to get medication which he'd already go out for (any idea if he had be told it wasn't available in this "Commonwealth" country?)
• He got you an alternative form of the medication.
• He checked on you the next day
• He didn't make you have the dinner you didn't want.

Ultimately you're not suited . You want a person who give lots of attention when you are under the weather. That's fine but he's not someone who gives that you've now found out.

Out of interest what's he like when ill?

The thing is, he did go out to look for medicine for you. Then went and got medicine from reception for you, which you weren't willing to take. It's obvious why he had a tablet with no expiry date - they would have had a packet of paracetamol in their first aid kit and allowed him to take what was needed rather than given you their whole box.

It sounds to me like you have hoops in your head that he needs to jump through in order to prove to you that he loves you.

There are also quite a few holes in your story, like you tried to get back to sleep and couldn't... except you woke at 10.45 and it wasn't even 11 when you had already apparently tried and failed.

If you had been unwell a couple of days, it would have been best to have had the medicine ready just in case. In fact, when travelling it's probably best to have a few essentials like that with you anyway.

If you were at home I might agree (though getting out of bed/dressed to go to a local store without complaint if fairly conscientious IMO) but I don’t think I would fancy wandering round a foreign city late at night.

I must admit, I thought this too. And those drink sachets, while they taste nicer than tablets, are just paracetamol. So refusing what he brought back from reception (the whole “someone had touched it” thing is a bit odd - presumably they just had a bottle and gave them to him from that?) must have been irritating from his point of view. He did text to ask how you were during the day; presumably he was working himself? And - as others have said - while you do feel rotten when you have a cold, it was just that. A cold. You really weren’t “really sick”. So while I understand that you felt you maybe didn’t get the sympathy you’d have liked, I don’t think he did anything terribly wrong here.

The bottom line here is that you've uncovered a disconnect between the two of you.
You now know that he's not the type to fuss over you when you're ill. Some people aren't.
I come from a family that would drive somebody to A&E, drop them at the front entrance and say "phone me when you need colllecting"
Doesn't bother me at all but then I hate being fussed over generally.
However, I'm not you op. Only you know how much this matters to you. If it's important in a relationship that somebody spoon feeds you Lemsip and checks on you multiple times a day then you haven't found "the one" and need to end things and move on. As PP say with this man it's likely that you'll end up looking after the kids whilst feeling like death somewhere down the line.

What an absolute palaver over a cold. The fact you updated to say you were delusional from fever just reinforces my assumption that you were being a drama Queen, I’m afraid. He did get you medication, which you opted to decline (which is your right!) but let’s stop acting like he did nothing for you.

@AnImaginaryCat - good points, his actions were actually OK.

But I feel like OP is picking up on the fact that there was a lack of warmth and concern, of the kind she's shown him when he's ill. Feeling that lack of warmth can often make people more demanding as they try to get the response they want.

It's significant that this has bothered you so much you want to post about it OP - it shows it's really making you ask questions.

I agree you're not suited. This is one of the signs you'll look back on in future.

Sorry but I also think you sound very dramatic. You had a sore throat and a runny nose , its not an emergency. Your boyfriend went to the local shop at 10.45pm at night to try and get you a lemsip at your request but there was nothing there. If you were seriously ill (you wasn't) then yes he could have made more of an effort to find you medication. Lemsip is just paracetomol, be more prepared and keep a stock of basic medicine with you at all times. I don't think he was unreasonable based on what you've described.

I think he's shown his true colours here (and they're not very nice).

More 'understanding and support' for making such a ridiculous fuss because she had a bit of a cold? The bloke went out twice on her behalf late at night.

OP, you're being absurdly demanding. You had a cold, you weren't at death's door. And you're 30 years old, not a teenager, so give over with all the 'I told him I didn't want dinner but then he didn't even ask me what I wanted for dinner waaaaaaah!' nonsense.

My instinct is that he made up the bit about his foot hurting the morning after. I dated someone like this once. He'd behave badly, then come back after the event with a really good reason why he'd done it that he just didn't think to mention at the time 🙄

OK so just for the record if it's a cold and running nose it is hard for other people to tell how bad it is. If I saw someone with a bit of a cold I'd probably assume it wasn't that bad. Clearly you were suffering.

But as far as I can tell

• you asked for meds so he wrnt to the shop but they didn't have any
• you thought at 11pm a local pharmacy would be open but he didn't offer to drive
• you asked for tablets from reception so he went and got some but you didn't trust the origin fair enough but he did what you asked
• he texted the next day but only once and you expected more
• you said you were not hungry but he was so he went to get some food

I think you just have different views on what caring for someone who is ill is. Some people would say that doing all those things is plenty. You wanted more. This isn't an aibu because it's all different for each person. You just wanted more than what he thought was a good response.

Two choices, either explain to him that you do need more fussing over when you are sick. Or accept that you have differences and decide if this is something you can live with long term.

But either way mumsnet doesn't have the answers !

If OP was a man people would be saying 'poor diddums'. 🤣

Yes maybe he’s getting visions of the future too!

Surely a couple of paracetamol or Ibuprofen would have helped the fever. That's what in the flu relief drinks anyway, and they would have been available in the pharmacy he went to.

His true colours being that he won't go out to a random pharmacy at 11pm in a foreign country when he has to get up for work at half six the next day for someone with a cold?

He sounds bloody sensible to me.

Your first post makes you sound ridiculous, your second one gives a bit more info and changes the story so not sure which one is true.

Even as far as saying he only text you once to check on you....come on really?

I'm joining the side of 'the red flag here is you.'
He has seen what you will behave like if you get a cold, and he should be running as fast as his legs will carry him.

You mentioned several times that you don't get ill often - well lucky you - that doesn't mean you get to behave like this if you do.

new around here are you?

Did you pack your Dressing Gown of Doom?

I told him I didn't feel like having dinner and he went out alone to eat. Don't think he even asked me if I wanted anything.

Such as? You told him you didn't want dinner. If you DID want something brought in, you should have said. Otherwise he's simply respecting what you said.

Unless you later ended up on antibiotics or in surgery your being unreasonable a sore throat and bunged up nose isn't really ill. You asked him to go for meds he tried then you asked him to go to reception but rejected what he brought back .... obviously it was going to be a tablet not in a pack it was one of the receptionist own tablets she's not giving you her whole pack. You easily went to sleep.
What did you want him to do for dinner? Starve or room service then sit watching you for hours on end when your too ill to eat you would have just been sleeping.....maybe you should have gone out and sat with him for some air

I think I would be slightly annoyed if my partner demanded I get out of bed and go here there and everywhere because they have a sore throat. Especially if I had to go to work the next day.

She had a mild cold and didn't want to eat or go out.