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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be concerned with how my boyfriend acted when I was ill?

584 replies

Vlop · 09/05/2024 05:49

I'm 30 and he's 31. I've been with him for 18 months, during which I never got ill. He even commented on this saying it's really good.

We've travelled to another continent for his work last week. I tagged along as he wanted me to but got very sick with sore throat and running nose 2 days ago.

We wake up at 6.30 for work (he goes to the office and I work from the hotel room we're staying). Last night we went to bed at 10.30pm and I woke up literally feeling suffocated at 10.45pm. He hadn't fallen asleep yet. I asked him if he could get me flu relief hot drink. It's the only thing that actually works for me.

He went out and got back saying the store 2 minutes away didn't have any medication. I tried to sleep but was really struggling so asked him if there was any pharmacy nearby. He Googled and said that the nearest one was half an hour away and couldn't walk. He did have a car but didn't offer to drive. I explicitly told him that I was really struggling and really needed some medicine. He wasn't doing anything so I asked him to at least phone reception for medication. The phone didn't work so he had to go downstairs. At that stage he was getting really mean to me, making comments like 'I want this over with, let's get you a medicine and be done' etc. It wasn't even 11pm at this point. He came back with one random loose tablet which had no expiry date on and I didn't know who touched it. Tablets never help me anyway so I told him not to worry. Made myself some tea and dozed off.

In the morning I found out that his foot was hurting. He didn't tell me this last night so I didn't know and it explains some of the irritable behaviour. I also understand maybe I was being slightly difficult as I was really physically struggling (first time in our relationship, I'm not a princess). Today he texted me at work to see how I am only once and when he got back I told him I didn't feel like having dinner and he went out alone to eat. Don't think he even asked me if I wanted anything. I find that lack of empathy/compassion a red flag. AIBU?

OP posts:
Idontjetwashthefucker · 09/05/2024 08:58

I just want to know what brand of tea the hotel had because it appears it has magical healing properties, allowing OP to go from delusional to feeling better in a short space of time

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/05/2024 08:59

Are you saying that you had a fever but refused paracetamol tablets as 'they don't work for you'...but demanded a drink sachet containing paracetamol as 'it's the only thing that will work'? If that's the case then I don't think I'd be willing to go out to get you a liquid version of the same thing

Tourmalines · 09/05/2024 09:03

You don’t THINK he asked you did you want anything or you are SURE he didn’t ask you if you want anything? After all you did say you don’t want to go out for dinner . Maybe he did but you were still raging with him so you never actually listened.

nothingsforgotten · 09/05/2024 09:03

Seagrassbasket · 09/05/2024 06:19

Lovey - you weren’t delusional unless you had a temperature over about 42, in which case you needed a hospital, not a lemsip.

Do you not carry basic medication around in your bag when travelling?

I agree a partner not taking care of you when you are sick is definitely a red flag. But you are sounding like a princess here.

I agree. I always carry basic medications wherever I go, just in case, and certainly wouldn't have expected anyone to go out looking for medication for me in the middle of the night for a cold. It sounds as though he did his best, and yet still you complain. You do sound a bit demanding and OTT, sorry.

Whoslaughingnowhahaha · 09/05/2024 09:07

Zampa · 09/05/2024 05:54

Imagine a future when you have children and whilst unwell, he won't step up to give you time to recover.

After only 18 months, he should be spoon feeding your Lemsip and bringing you all your favourite treats.

This.

twentysevendresses · 09/05/2024 09:10

Ffs OP...you have a cold! 🤦‍♀️

I'd be leaving you permanently, not just for dinner, if I was your poor boyfriend!!

Such a fuss over a bloody cold!! Grow up! 😮

potato57 · 09/05/2024 09:17

How many times would you have wanted him to ask if you were okay if one wasn't acceptable? It sounds like you have a cold rather than anything that would require something more excessive.

Projectme · 09/05/2024 09:17

Barleypilaf · 09/05/2024 06:48

Another one struggling to see what he did wrong.

You had a bad cold. Even though it was late and he had to get up at 6:30 for work, he went to the store. The tablets he brought back were not good enough.

He contacted you the next day from work to see if you were OK. But apparently that’s not good enough.

You said you didn’t want dinner, but then were annoyed that he didn’t bring you dinner.

There are loads of red flags here but for him, not you. You’re 30 and had a cold.

sorry OP, but agree with this.

The red flags belong to you!

Brefugee · 09/05/2024 09:19

I got ill (travelling alone) on a business trip to Asia. The hotel were helpful getting me OTC things, and the next day my colleagues topped it all up. Got home to find i had a lung infection and was out of work for 2 weeks.

Since then i never travel without rudimentary cold remedies etc. So while it doesn't help your current situation, take note for future.

ScentlessAprentice · 09/05/2024 09:21

Testina · 09/05/2024 08:40

He doesn’t sound caring at all.
But honestly, when I read the whole, “only the hot drink, tablets don’t work for me” my expression was 🤨🙄
Yeah - you’re magically immune to paracetamol unless it’s masquerading as a cup of tea?
That would make me think you were over egging being sick.

Exactly this. Paracetamol is paracetamol. It might be metabolised more quickly in liquid form, but it's still the same medication, with the same effects.

Also, you were delusional from such a high temp but a cup of tea fixed everything. Really? I think there was some high drama going on here.

Magnastorm · 09/05/2024 09:25

The only thing I agree with is that I wouldn't be taking random, unsealed tablets either, that's just stupid.

But other than that, you had a bit of a cold. Complete overreaction.

twentysevendresses · 09/05/2024 09:25

PurpleChrayn · 09/05/2024 07:42

This is such a common thing that men do.

At least two guys I've been with have behaved like this, and you see it on here all the time.

Those two guys must have been great then!

  1. The OPs partner went out TWICE to try and find her 'lemsip' (late at night in another country).
  1. Couldn't find lemsip but brought back an alternative from reception... which the OP rejected due to 'lack of expiry date' - although if her claims of being 'delusional' at this point are true, I can't imagine she would actually be in any kind of state to be 'checking expiry dates'!!
  1. He checked on her the following day whilst working - which wasn't good enough for the OP apparently 🤷‍♀️
  1. He offered to take her out for dinner...she said she DIDN'T WANT dinner, so he went alone (you know...after being at work all day and needing to eat!).
  1. He got an ear bashing for not asking her if she wanted dinner...erm...he did ask her and she said she didn't want dinner! (Even by mumset standards this is a pretty fucked up 'gaslighting' situation! How was he wrong here? He asked. She declined. He was told he should have asked!! 😮)

So if you're saying that your 2 previous partners would have done all of this for you...then good on them 👍

2024istheyearforme · 09/05/2024 09:27

Run.

I was sick a few months ago, ended up puking and shitting myself all over the bathroom and my husband of 7 years cleaned it all up and made me food when I couldn't get out of bed. I was so embarrassed

That's just my standard, I'd do the same for him.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 09/05/2024 09:27

2024istheyearforme · 09/05/2024 09:27

Run.

I was sick a few months ago, ended up puking and shitting myself all over the bathroom and my husband of 7 years cleaned it all up and made me food when I couldn't get out of bed. I was so embarrassed

That's just my standard, I'd do the same for him.

She had a runny nose and a sore throat, hardly the same

Montymorency · 09/05/2024 09:31

I think op means 'delirious'

HesterRoon · 09/05/2024 09:31

I think he should be running from you😂

Cherry8809 · 09/05/2024 09:41

Are you this dramatic in other areas of your life too?

drusth · 09/05/2024 09:41

YANBU, he has shown that he can’t be relied on in sickness.

I’ve just had a bad cold and the only drinks I wanted was Lemsip and hot chicken broth as water didn’t ease the pain. DH would go out in the middle of the night to get medication if needed.

DH only wants Lucozade and grapes when he has a bad cold. Makes no sense to me but I just go out and get it for him as he won’t take any medication.

Starlight1979 · 09/05/2024 09:43

"Today he texted me at work to see how I am only once and when he got back I told him I didn't feel like having dinner and he went out alone to eat."

He text to see how you are but it was "only once"??? He's at work!!! You've got a cold!!! What do you want him to do? Pull a sicky to wipe your nose for you?! As for going out on his own, he was probably sick of sitting in a hotel room listening to whinge and demand stuff of him.

"At that stage he was getting really mean to me, making comments like 'I want this over with, let's get you a medicine and be done' etc."

Yeah, that's not mean.

"I explicitly told him that I was really struggling and really needed some medicine."

FFS. It's a cold. You needed some lemsip. Get a grip of yourself.

"I'm not a princess"

I beg to differ.

Sdpbody · 09/05/2024 09:46

My DH would have gone out to get me the medicine, especially if it was only 5 minutes in what I assume is Canada.

dancinfeet · 09/05/2024 09:47

sorry but you sound dramatic. Maybe this is because it’s coming from someone who spent 16 years having to power on through illness as a single parent, but even so, it’s not something that required immediate medical attention, yeah you would have had a crap night but not in immediate danger, so t could wait until morning.

YesMam1 · 09/05/2024 10:01

Gosh the fact that all these replies haven't helped you see this from a different perspective is a red flag. I'd never expect my partner to do this for me, especially if I was the one joining on his work trip.

It's not uncommon for those who've been through things to develop similar traits themselves. After three attempts to help you, at night, in a foreign country, checking up on you from work, all this being on HIS work trip and your perspective is HE'S the selfish one. Very toxic behaviour

WhoopDereItIzz · 09/05/2024 10:03

YANBU.

Couples help each other when they feel unwell. They certainly do the basics like ask if they've eaten.

You don't sound at all princess-y.

shearwater2 · 09/05/2024 10:05

Jesus wept you sound like hard work.

Grow up and keep paracetamol in your bag.

TheThreeCheesesOfTheApocalypse44 · 09/05/2024 10:05

You sound like a pain in the arse tbh, I wouldn't be traipsing out late at night for an adult with a cold. A child yes. Also a hot shower would have cleared your nose and probably been a lot more useful than a cold and flu sachet.

And when he did help it wasn't good enough for you, you still moaned. Honestly 🙄