To be concerned with how my boyfriend acted when I was ill?

[Vlop]

I'm 30 and he's 31. I've been with him for 18 months, during which I never got ill. He even commented on this saying it's really good.

We've travelled to another continent for his work last week. I tagged along as he wanted me to but got very sick with sore throat and running nose 2 days ago.

We wake up at 6.30 for work (he goes to the office and I work from the hotel room we're staying). Last night we went to bed at 10.30pm and I woke up literally feeling suffocated at 10.45pm. He hadn't fallen asleep yet. I asked him if he could get me flu relief hot drink. It's the only thing that actually works for me.

He went out and got back saying the store 2 minutes away didn't have any medication. I tried to sleep but was really struggling so asked him if there was any pharmacy nearby. He Googled and said that the nearest one was half an hour away and couldn't walk. He did have a car but didn't offer to drive. I explicitly told him that I was really struggling and really needed some medicine. He wasn't doing anything so I asked him to at least phone reception for medication. The phone didn't work so he had to go downstairs. At that stage he was getting really mean to me, making comments like 'I want this over with, let's get you a medicine and be done' etc. It wasn't even 11pm at this point. He came back with one random loose tablet which had no expiry date on and I didn't know who touched it. Tablets never help me anyway so I told him not to worry. Made myself some tea and dozed off.

In the morning I found out that his foot was hurting. He didn't tell me this last night so I didn't know and it explains some of the irritable behaviour. I also understand maybe I was being slightly difficult as I was really physically struggling (first time in our relationship, I'm not a princess). Today he texted me at work to see how I am only once and when he got back I told him I didn't feel like having dinner and he went out alone to eat. Don't think he even asked me if I wanted anything. I find that lack of empathy/compassion a red flag. AIBU?

This, you wanted lemsip!!. It sounds like some bonkers test to prove his worth of you..
'No I don't want to have dinner, I want to stay in and not eat..."what how dare you not ask what I want to eat"..

Perhaps boyfriend had had a drink and so couldn’t drive ?

He tried to get you medication at a pharmacy and at reception. He messaged the next day, whilst he’s working, This sounds like a cold, which can make you feel really gritty and miserable but you sound really dramatic about it. I think he did ok tbh. Your expectations just don’t align.

This.

He tried really hard. He found yoh something to take too. You sre being a bit of a diva

You've got a cold not having a medical emergency

I had a fever a few months ago back now of 39.8 and I was fairly delusional 🤣🤣 I was rushed in to recuss with suspected sepsis and turned out I had the flu 🙈
I was less delusional after meds bought my temp down

I'm not sure why you asked if you were being unreasonable as every reply you've made since indicates that you are unwilling to even consider that you might be. Incidentally that's an indicator for the same type of princessy behaviour some posters are suggesting you may have exhibited when ill.

Anyway, let's look at the evidence.

You had a runny nose and sore throat, but felt OK only hours before. Even at your worst you felt it would be fixed by a lemsip - you weren't for example telling him you needed to go to hospital. You weren't so ill that it kept you up all night, and even without the lemsip you managed to get to sleep. You say you were delusional but I'm really not buying it - if you were delusional you needed medical assistance not lemsip, plus you'd have mentioned it in your first post. So, in summary, you had a nasty cold but were actually OK even without the lemsip.

Your boyfriend went out twice to try to find you medication- in spite of it being a foreign country, late at night and him having work the next morning. On the second occasion you turned your nose up at what he had brought back for you because it wasn't exactly what you wanted.

In your shoes I would never have asked or expected a partner to go out for a lemsip in those circumstances. I wouldn't expect it at home to be honest, I certainly wouldn't expect it abroad- I'd have just waited until the next day. After two attempts to find medication i certainly wouldn't have asked or expected him to go out a third time.

In his shoes, I wouldn't have gone. I'd have gone the first time, but a third time? For a lemsip? No chance.

What would you have done if you were there alone OP?

dump him - you’re not compatible, did ge say he wanted you to look after him when he was ill? You can’t expect the same back - maybe he’s he’s not like that. Personally I think you’re being a bit entitled - he’s not your runner for medication.

Christ, it's you not him. Totally unreasonable.

The no expiry date on one tablet

Sorry but I think YABU.

It's a cold. How do you think people on their own manage?

Those flu drinks are just paracetamol with antihistamine to make you drowsy. If you'd had the cold for 2 days already why didn't you buy some paracetamol/lemsip yourself earlier in the day?

I opened the thread expecting it to be about him being nasty to you while you were ill, which is a thing, but this doesn't sound like that at all. If anything it's your behaviour that's red flag territory.

Poor bloke

Sorry OP, but I think you're being unreasonable here.

You have a cold, not a serious illness? It was very late at night and he did go to the store which didn't have the medicine you wanted.

Why didn't you ask him to get it earlier in the day, if it's the only thing that works for you when your cold becomes really uncomfortable?

You wanted him to try a different store at 11pm when he may well have been very tired. I wouldn't do that for my DH at that time of night unless he was seriously unwell (and then I would say to call 111 really).

You told him you didn't want any dinner and you're angry he didn't bring you any dinner. Do you see the issue here?

Perhaps you both need to work on improving your communication instead of having unsaid expectations from each other.

Well yes, obviously you can be delusional with a fever, but just having a fever doesn’t make you delusional.

And you went to hospital rather than sent your partner off on a wild goose trip for lemsip late at night.

"I've been with him for 18 months, during which I never got ill. He even commented on this saying it's really good."

Red flag right there in your first paragraph.

Yes to this comment

@Crazychaotic nobody's saying you can't be really sick with a fever, but OP just made a cup of tea and went to bed - she clearly wasn't that delusional

I think this too, neither of you completely in the right here. Unless very sick I wouldn't be going out at 11pm at night driving round in a foreign country, no matter which one it is. If my partner was sick enough for me to feel that was necessary Id be asking reception for a GP not finding a late night chemist. Even at home its got to be very serious for me to not wait till the next day. Saying you were delusional just adds to the feeling of drama from the post.

I think you're getting a hard time on here. You should be entitled to be a bit of a "princess" (hate that term) when you're feeling like crap and it's not unreasonable to hope the person in your life who supposedly loves you the most might have a bit of sympathy. I spent 20 years with someone who basically ignored me and occasionally tutted every time I was ill. If this is the first time, give him the benefit of the doubt maybe. I think how someone treats you when you're ill speaks volumes about who they really are.

Obviously everyone is different but if I woke up on a work trip/holiday with a sore throat and runny nose, I'd be annoyed at myself for forgetting to pack some paracetamol but then I'd have a cup of boiling water, prop up the pillows and go back to sleep. Defo wouldn't expect my partner to drive out to some pharmacies in pursuit of some over the counter drugs.

If it really was that bad, with feelings of suffocation and delusions/hallucinations, it would have been better to ask the hotel to call for a doctor.

Sorry OP, but you did ask if you were BU!

Agreed. You sound like hard work. Paracetamol and hot drink are in effect, lemsip.
Would you have traipsied about a a foreign country for him at 11pm?

I felt quite sorry for the bf reading this. I’m sorry OP but it sounds quite demanding. I’d go downstairs to get someone a lemsip at that time of night but I’d not be going out to the shops if I’d to get up at 6.30. I don’t want to get out of my bed once I’m in it! Always best to have basic things to hand for these kind of eventualities.

OP, I think you are getting a really hard time on here. I would suggest asking mumsnet to move this thread to the Relationships board where I think you will get more understanding and support.

YANBU, my understanding is you did not even get any paracetamol, and I don't blame you at all for not wanting to take a random, unmarked tablet. You had a temperature which meant you were too unwell to go out yourself to get paracetamol or a cold remedy. To me a relationship is about mutual support and kindness, doing the most for each other not the least.

I'd also beware of the 'foot hurts' it may be genuine but I was in an abusive relationship with a partner who, whenever I was sick, she was sicker. Maybe he really did have a sore foot or maybe it was a way of making an excuse for not doing more for you.

Agreed.

He had a sore foot and had already been out once. If you were going to be staying in the hotel whilst he had to go to work the next morn I can see why he might've wanted to get some sleep.

You had a bit of a cold, you weren't really ill, all very dramatic. Seems like the poor bloke can't win, and the sulking about dinner was pathetic

Lemsip is just paracetamol with Vit C.

’tablets don’t work for me’ is nonsense. Paracetamol tablets and a hot tea would have had the same result.

Fretting about expiry dates in paracetamol tabs is ridiculous. Though I agree it is importsnt to know what the tablet actually is.

You are ill and feeling grotty, he sounds tired with work and had a bad foot…. See how it unfolds.

This is such a common thing that men do.

At least two guys I've been with have behaved like this, and you see it on here all the time.