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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be concerned with how my boyfriend acted when I was ill?

584 replies

Vlop · 09/05/2024 05:49

I'm 30 and he's 31. I've been with him for 18 months, during which I never got ill. He even commented on this saying it's really good.

We've travelled to another continent for his work last week. I tagged along as he wanted me to but got very sick with sore throat and running nose 2 days ago.

We wake up at 6.30 for work (he goes to the office and I work from the hotel room we're staying). Last night we went to bed at 10.30pm and I woke up literally feeling suffocated at 10.45pm. He hadn't fallen asleep yet. I asked him if he could get me flu relief hot drink. It's the only thing that actually works for me.

He went out and got back saying the store 2 minutes away didn't have any medication. I tried to sleep but was really struggling so asked him if there was any pharmacy nearby. He Googled and said that the nearest one was half an hour away and couldn't walk. He did have a car but didn't offer to drive. I explicitly told him that I was really struggling and really needed some medicine. He wasn't doing anything so I asked him to at least phone reception for medication. The phone didn't work so he had to go downstairs. At that stage he was getting really mean to me, making comments like 'I want this over with, let's get you a medicine and be done' etc. It wasn't even 11pm at this point. He came back with one random loose tablet which had no expiry date on and I didn't know who touched it. Tablets never help me anyway so I told him not to worry. Made myself some tea and dozed off.

In the morning I found out that his foot was hurting. He didn't tell me this last night so I didn't know and it explains some of the irritable behaviour. I also understand maybe I was being slightly difficult as I was really physically struggling (first time in our relationship, I'm not a princess). Today he texted me at work to see how I am only once and when he got back I told him I didn't feel like having dinner and he went out alone to eat. Don't think he even asked me if I wanted anything. I find that lack of empathy/compassion a red flag. AIBU?

OP posts:
pictoosh · 09/05/2024 06:28

MiddleParking · 09/05/2024 06:20

I’d be far more concerned about him sulking today and not bringing you any dinner when you’ve travelled to a different continent to keep him company and you’re feeling unwell. I think that’s dreadful, actually. Don’t put yourself out for him any more.

She said she didn't want any dinner.

AspiringChatBot · 09/05/2024 06:29

Vlop · 09/05/2024 06:11

The pharmacy was 5 minute drive away (half an hour WALK). I 100% would've gone for him. I did look after him when he did get sick a couple of times before, because I care about him.

I was definitely delusional as I had high fever. I was trying to ease my pain up. Don't remember feeling that bad in the last decade. And no, I didn't just happen to doze off after my tea. It definitely helped but I struggled for who knows how long.

Last thing to clarify, we're in a safe English speaking country so not a wild goose chase in some random country.

Did you actually ask him to drive to the pharmacy and get you medicine? If you did and he said no without a convincing reason (like the car couldn't be accessed after/before a certain time, or that he'd taken meds for his foot and couldn't drive) then I think you'd have a much better basis to judge the situation. But it seems strange that he would quite willingly go out on foot to the regular shop and go down and deal with the front desk but that he wouldn't go in the car; I'd want to know why. But I wouldn't expect him to read my mind or interpret my hints.

I can't tell from your post if he really was lacking in empathy and insufficiently caring OR if he's kind of a stiff-upper-lip type (his not mentioning his foot hurting makes me think this), in which case I'd take the "let's get this over with" stuff to mean he was focused on a practical solution so you could feel better soonest. So objectively it's hard to say he has done something wrong. On the other hand, if you want someone to drop everything and take care of you when you feel bad, and he expects you to tough it out like he would, you two might not be compatible without either of you being unreasonable or wrong.

fieldsofbutterflies · 09/05/2024 06:31

I can't believe you expected him to go out at 11pm to get you medication for what was basically a cold 😳

TemuSpecialBuy · 09/05/2024 06:34

Zampa · 09/05/2024 05:54

Imagine a future when you have children and whilst unwell, he won't step up to give you time to recover.

After only 18 months, he should be spoon feeding your Lemsip and bringing you all your favourite treats.

Honestly this.

And i am shocked at the votes.
I would seriously reconsider this relationship and think long and hard about what your life would look like should you actually have any form of long term illness or break a leg etc as well as if you have kids.

GoodVibesHere · 09/05/2024 06:43

If I was abroad in a hotel there's no way I'd go driving to a pharmacy for my DH to get him a lemsip. I'd be telling him to try his best to get a bit of kip and see how he is in the morning.

If you were concerned about work the next day surely you are entitled to take sick leave (which you'd need if you were delusional).

Bs0u416d · 09/05/2024 06:43

I'm not sure how your body is able to dicern between paracetamol in powdered hot drink form vs a tablet? It's the same thing. Same effect. I think you're probably a bit more precious than you think.

Glowecestrescire · 09/05/2024 06:44

After only 18 months, he should be spoon feeding your Lemsip and bringing you all your favourite treats.
What nonsense 😂
The OP had a cold. I wonder how many women would be falling over themselves to spoon feed a man lempsip, and run round a foreign country at 11pm to get paracetamol

beetforever · 09/05/2024 06:44

I was definitely delusional as I had high fever

sure you were

RedHelenB · 09/05/2024 06:45

Hairyfairy01 · 09/05/2024 05:55

Sorry but I think you sound very OTT and demanding. I don't understand how you can go from falling asleep at 10:30 feeling fine to waking up 15 minutes later expecting him to go on a wild goose chase for medication in a foreign country, at night, when he has work the next day. The fact you ended up having a cup of tea and managed to get through the night basically confirms you were being OTT.

This You had a cold. He went out twice to find you some pain relief and you rejected what he did bring back.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 09/05/2024 06:45

Hairyfairy01 · 09/05/2024 05:55

Sorry but I think you sound very OTT and demanding. I don't understand how you can go from falling asleep at 10:30 feeling fine to waking up 15 minutes later expecting him to go on a wild goose chase for medication in a foreign country, at night, when he has work the next day. The fact you ended up having a cup of tea and managed to get through the night basically confirms you were being OTT.

You beat me to it - she couldn’t call reception herself? Jesus.

beetforever · 09/05/2024 06:46

poor guy

Original poster
Vlop · 09/05/2024 06:47

TemuSpecialBuy · 09/05/2024 06:34

Honestly this.

And i am shocked at the votes.
I would seriously reconsider this relationship and think long and hard about what your life would look like should you actually have any form of long term illness or break a leg etc as well as if you have kids.

Show quote history

Me too.

I grew up with abuse and neglect and never had princess mentality.

I hold my hand up to being difficult but I was really struggling and he saw this.

If I were him I'd spare 10 minutes to get medicine (I wasn't fussed about the type, I just didn't feel like taking a random one last night). We're in a Commonwealth country and he's been driving everywhere for a week now. It honestly wouldn't be a stressful situation as people seem to think. I absolutely wouldn't want him gone if it was.

OP posts:
beetforever · 09/05/2024 06:48

OP will be type of person. to expect the world to stand still and be at her beck at call if she ever becomes pregnant

Shiningout · 09/05/2024 06:48

Crikey op, I think id be a bit perved off with you aswell. You have a cold, and you've got him running round going to chemist's at 11pm and acting as if you can't move, it's all a bit dramatic don't you think??

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 09/05/2024 06:48

The problem is, it’s hard to tell whether this is a red flag because the situation you describe is such a non-event.

You have a cold and suddenly decide that the only thing that will do, late at night in a foreign country, is a packet of lemon flavoured powdered paracetamol and artificial sweetener. When this proves not easy to get, you continue to make a fuss until your boyfriend goes to reception to get you some painkillers. You then reject the painkillers, have a cup of tea and go to sleep.

The next day, while at work, he texts you to check in on you and then comes back to the hotel to discuss food. You tell him you don’t want anything. He goes out to get himself some. You are cross with him for this because he doesn’t ask if you want anything. Clearly, you telling him you didn’t want anything was a secret trap because you in fact wanted a four course meal which he was supposed to guess?

I hope your cold’s getting better, but you might want to wait to see how he behaves when you’re actually unwell and in need of proper support before getting rid.

BelindaOkra · 09/05/2024 06:48

I’ve had an awful illness recently - felt worst I have in years. I ran out of non-caffeine containing flu type capsules (helpful because of the decongestant) at night so took a paracetamol until the morning. We have a Tesco 5 mins away but no way would I ask dh to go out for that late at night.

Having a temperature doesn’t make you delusional.

And if I felt too ill to eat I would expect dh to go out (& would ask him to bring me back some fruit if possible).

You do sound quite hard work tbh - it’s not like you had kids that needed looking after that he left entirely to you. You were able to rest

Barleypilaf · 09/05/2024 06:48

Another one struggling to see what he did wrong.

You had a bad cold. Even though it was late and he had to get up at 6:30 for work, he went to the store. The tablets he brought back were not good enough.

He contacted you the next day from work to see if you were OK. But apparently that’s not good enough.

You said you didn’t want dinner, but then were annoyed that he didn’t bring you dinner.

There are loads of red flags here but for him, not you. You’re 30 and had a cold.

CurlewKate · 09/05/2024 06:49

He was undoubtedly an arse. But to be honest, if you were really that sick you needed a doctor, not Lemsip.

CountFucula · 09/05/2024 06:50

Mate, the stuff that works in the Lemsip is paracetamol.
You might get a bit of relief from the rest of the ingredients but essentially it’s paracetamol.
You sound like a bit of a pain in the ass when you’re ill. Something to reflect on?

He sounds exasperated but he did traipse out in the night on holiday to get you mild painkillers for a common illness. Cut him some slack!

FunkyMonks · 09/05/2024 06:57

Yikes OP that is not good at all I will never forget the time me and my DH newlyweds on our honeymoon I was sick one day and without fuss he jumped into a cab and went to a big supermarket that had a pharmacy to get me meds and plenty of stuff like drinks and snacks for when I would want them etc never once did he kick off that he had to leave me at hotel to go and get me meds.

He has always been like that from day we first got together another time we had just literally started to see each other and I had fallen hurt my ankle so was on crutch's which meant I couldn't drive to see him as planned instead he came to me no fuss etc

I've done the same with him when he's fallen ill or had injuries I think it's important in any relationship to know you're going to support one another when one of you may be unwell etc.

Randomlygeneratedname · 09/05/2024 06:58

If you had a fever so high you were delusional, you should have been calling for an ambulance, not a lemsip!

rookiemere · 09/05/2024 07:00

I'm on team boyfriend here.

He went out late to buy you some, managed to get something from reception,they weren't good enough and you wanted him to drive at 11pm to buy you a hot drink sachet with more than likely the same ingredients.

Yes he sounds a bit grumbly, but surely you bring your own paracetamol with you when you go away ( what with that being the active ingredient in Lemsip) ? It's hard to extrapolate what he'd be like if you were properly unwell, but this does seem like a bit of melodrama on your side.

Ereyraa · 09/05/2024 07:02

I couldn’t deal with this level of fuss and drama over minor illness, I’d be out.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 09/05/2024 07:05

It sounds like a little from column A, a little from column B. He definitely could have been more sympathetic, and does sound like he was being a bit snippy (and I'm not sure what bringing one random unmarked pill was about!). But it sounds like you were being a bit overdramatic (if your fever was so high you were delusional, I think you need a doctor not a lemsip!) and are understandably highly sensitive to these situations due to your past.

In the UK my DH can and has driven 30mins to the nearest 24hr supermarket to buy me medicine when I've had extremely bad IBS flare ups. I'm not sure I would expect him to if abroad - the fact your boyfriend did try I think is a good sign. And he probably didn't tell you about his foot to avoid stressing you out further. There's also a difference between driving around in daylight to driving to a random pharmacy in the night.

On balance, I think he could have behaved better but you're being a bit unreasonable.

Longdueachange · 09/05/2024 07:05

I'm sorry about your upbringing, this situation was obviously triggering for you, but you can't expect someone who hasn't had that experience to molly coddle you over a cold. He did everything right, he got out of bed to look for medication, but you refused it because it wasn't wrapped (fair enough). This wasn't a holiday for him, it was a work trip and you were being a bit ott. Its about what you need in a relationship though, and if you aren't giving each other what you need then you end it.