SiL and friend keep commenting on my age.

[SpringOnionChicken]

I am in a group of friends (some nicer than others!) and one of them keeps commenting on my age. I’m the oldest, and we range from late 40’s to early 50’s. I’m 4 years older than her. She says things like;

Oh, God you’re so old
Not sure I want to hang out with elderly people

Then there is my SiL who constantly refers to the fact I am 5 years older than her. Things like;

You are much older than me
I’m much younger than you
Well, that’s because you are a lot older than me, I’m only 48, and you are 53

This has been going on a long time, and usually I don’t care but recently it’s pissing me off, because I feel they’ve dug deep, had to think long and hard, and this is the only thing they’ve been able to come up with as a stick to prod me with. The friend said it quite maliciously TBH.

Getting down to their level, my SIL has the misfortune of ageing terribly and has had to drop loads of money on cosmetic surgery to fix it. She’s also never run for a bus, and is very unfit. I’ve been asked a few times if my SIL is my DH’s older sister (he’s 5 years older) and if she is older than me. Friend is also not looking so great. Sorry to stoop to their level of year 8 schoolyard.

My age is not an issue to me. I’m grateful I’m fit and healthy and I don’t need any tweakments. I just think these comments are petty, and am thinking of nipping them in the bud with some comebacks.

AIBU? If no, please give me some ideas to shut them up.

It’s quite childish.

But a few years ago, I started in a job where the main woman there (about 10 years older than me) was desperately trying to cling onto her youth and it was embarrassing in lots of ways. Then either in her late 40s or at 50 her younger son suddenly became a very surprise first
time father and I think she’d hoped he’d waited rather than had the baby early.

We’d fallen out by then (very small and toxic office) and one day she either showed me or told me she’d got a “welcome to grandma’s house” artisan sign in the post which none of her friends were owning up sending to her, she assumed it was me being catty. I assured her (she didn’t believe me!) it wasn’t me. But obviously one of her friends was fed up of her Peter Pan act.

She then embraced the glam grandma role to the full.

Yes SIL, I'm 53 and still haven't any need for cosmetic surgery! If that time ever comes I shall call on you first, what with the vast experience of anti-aging treatments you have..

Definitely ask for her cosmetic surgeon's details! also stop seeing her if possible. she sounds awful

My friend was younger than me.
She died a few weeks ago (cancer).
Tell your sil and friend life is not a race and there are no guarantees.

Yeah this. ^

Keep emphasizing how much older she looks @SpringOnionChicken and how someone thought you were her daughter! 😆

She is clearly pissed off, and bitter and angry - because you look amazing, and she looks like a bag of spanners! And you are GASP! older than her!

I know! And aren't I aging well? 😉

‘God you talk about age a lot. Are you worried?’ Tinkly laugh😉

Agree! I am 33 and one of my best friends is 53 (and she is way more fun than I am hahaha). I also have another brilliant friend aged 24 (way more sensible than both of us combined!).
Age is a number. Your SIL is an idiot.

It's irritating, but hard to call out without stooping to their level. I'm wondering if "why does my age matter to you", exactly the same words every single time might work. Or maybe "my age appears to matter to you more than it does to me". Something along those lines. Making it clear that you don't care about your age and you think it's odd that they keep bringing it up.

Do you have to spend time with them? They sound unpleasant and critical.

As PP's have said - the alternative to getting older isn't preferable!

I would go grey rock on this - have a standard non-retaliatory response that I roll out every time.
"Yes thanks Pam, I'm 53 and a quarter".

How about "Honestly, didn't you leave nasty comments like that in the Infant school playground?", @SpringOnionChicken

Sorry, these replies are making me giggle.

It sounds as though they think it’s little jokes that you don’t mind (only true if you join in) or that they’re insecure about their own aging (more likely). I would say “ok that’s enough thanks” and ignore/move the conversation on every time. You are not insecure like them so don’t need to regress to their level

Sorry for your loss @Daisybuttercup12345
I turned 56 this year, the same age at which my mum passed away 23 years ago. You are absolutely right, there are no guarantees.

As for your SIL @SpringOnionChicken ask who does her cosmetic procedures then say thanks for that now I know who NOT to go to.

"There you go, mentioning age again! You'll have to be careful or I'll start thinking that you've got a bit of a thing about ageing!" tinkly laugh
If you're feeling very bitchy, you could say that last bit whilst letting your eyes flit to their very obvious botox/fillers.

I'd just say the exact same thing every time "yeah, ageing is a privilege denied to some..." or "I'm grateful for the years, not everyone gets to my age..." or similar. They can't argue, you don't look arsey but she'll realise how much she mentions it when she hears the same sentiment on repeat. Also remind yourself it's clearly coming from their own insecurity around ageing.

"There's only 5 years between us, besides, you look a lot older than me!"

I think I'd be looking for more interesting people to spend my time with.

Do you have a friend in the group you could rely on or another relative like a daughter or niece that you could orchestrate a plan with?

I’d have another friend in on it, and next time one of the ugly stepsisters bring up your age the friend needs to swoop in straight away and feign shock/surprise:

’Oh wait WHAT? SIL, you’re the one who’s younger?? I thought it was the other way around.’

‘Oh you’re younger than SpringOnion?? I just always forget as she looks so young.’

‘I’d never think SpringOnion was the oldest of the group, she’s radiant and stunning!!!’ Etc etc etc….

Just reply,

Yes I am older but you wouldn't think so as you look dreadful for your age.

Repeat it every time.

Gosh how tedious!
Clearly they are struggling to accept that they are getting older, look at you a few years older than them and are jealous that you don’t seem to share their insecurities.
I wouldn’t bother wasting your free time with these people. True friends don’t try to drag each other down. Most of my friends are older than me. From 5-30 years. We don’t talk about age because it’s irrelevant.

Who do people like that think they are, insulting their so-called friends or family like that?

I'd also be questioning if you have to mix with these people.

in the friend group, what do the other friends think about the comments made by the nasty one?

What was this late 40’s woman doing to “desperately cling on to her youth”? I’m not surprised she thought it was you who sent her the artisan sign as your post does indeed sound catty and judgmental, she then embraced the glam grandma role to the full so what if she did? are women in their late 40’s and early fifties not allowed to be glamorous? Your post comes across as very ageist and that definitely is not a good look.

@Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain "What was this late 40’s woman doing to “desperately cling on to her youth”? "

I'm curious about this too. Sometimes people say the most awful things. I worked with a lady in her 50s who cycled to work. She was injured trying to swerve a sudden car accident and was the subject of nasty remarks from my male boss who told her she was too old to cycle anyway. He really meant it. I ended up having words with him 😂

He actually apologised to her. I bet he was well pissed off with his underling saying that to him but I thought he was just jealous and nasty tbh, as well as having a weird fixed idea about what people in their 50s "should" be like.