Don’t understand why Hens are such a big thing?

[Endersduffduff]

Just reading yet another Hen drama on here.

I just don’t understand why Hen parties are now such a big deal! AIBU?

I’ve a friend who is my age but whose Husband is ten years her junior. Subsequently, her Husband’s friends (he has a group he is still mates with from school, who now all live miles and miles apart but by the sounds of it, see each other 5/6 times a year) are all starting to settle down. My friend has been invited on 3 big Hen parties (1 abroad for 5 days and 2 x 3 nights away in this country) since 2022. My friend is equally perplexed as to why she gets invited to these things. She did go to the first as her sister is mates with the bride and was there also. But she said it costs her about £400 for transport, accommodation, fancy dress and activities including one meal and booze for the house (my friend doesn’t drink).

Admittedly, I’ve been married 16 years. So maybe I’m old fashioned. But I can’t see in what scenario I’d expect friends and family to fork out hundreds of pounds to help “see me off”.

I mean, if I had a group of friends who holidayed/partied together ordinarily, I can see why that might well be great. But to then add partners
of the best man/others from the groom’s side, family and other friends, why should I think that would work and why on earth should these people all go to great expense for me?

For my hen, I had a night out that started as a couple of drinks at my parent’s house, a train into the town where we met others who didn’t want to/seemed silly travel to my parent’s in advance, a meal at a buffet type place and then onto a couple of pubs and club for those who wanted to. I really did have the best time. Everyone paid for themselves. Although I did get few bottles of wine put on the table and my mum bought these pin badges that said “Duffduff’s hen” with the date. Oh, and everyone wore black except me - I was told to wear a white top. My b/f and sister arranged it all but when I say arranged it, they literally booked the table in the restaurant once I knew who could attend and planned which pubs to go to (they obviously also got in touch with everyone to say wear black and told me to wear a white top but this is something they instigated and I didn’t know about until a week before).

I realise my hen may seem like hell on earth for others if they don’t like meals out/clubs, but my point is it doesn’t always have to involve nightmare logistics, a presents for the bride, nights away and warring bridal parties which surely then can have a knock on effect/added stress for the actual wedding!

Why do so many Hen parties seem so big now? Do the brides really need to feel celebrated to this extent/friends and family feel the need to show their love for the bride by throwing money around? Or have norms moved on so much in this last decade and a half and I’ve lost touch? ( I should add, my friend who I mentioned up thread, got married in 2019, and had an afternoon tea in a hall surrounded by about 20 guests and then went drinking with her sister and the few that wanted to in the evening.)

I realise upon writing this I may sound grumpy and old but I’m a few years off 40 and love a good night out!

tbh the crux of it isn't that some people have massive trips to Ibiza for a week with mates with planned activities, and some invite their mum, granny and vicar for a stale cracker and glass of water.

I think it's people's complete and utter inability to say "thank you, i can't attend" and then just leave it at that. And other people's complete and utter inability to say "that's a shame, thanks for letting me know"

Can you explain why exactly it's 'cringe' to have a low key party? What makes you so uncomfortable about it?

Never been in one - I don't recall a single friend but one having one (and it was a joint hen/bachelor thing and sounded awful).

Then that's ok those people can go and enjoy them what they shouldn't do is shame others into attending.
I think the ones OP and the PP are worried about are when people who say no thank you and are made to feel that they are boring, tertible friends and the worst people in the world because they can't afford it, don't want to be away from their children overnight etc.
I read one post of here where people said someone was terrible because she prioritised supporting her daughter through her GCSEs over attending her friends very expensive hen do.

Nail on head @Brefugee

Best hen do I went to was homemade cocktails and a hot tub in bride's garden. Had a hoot and fairly inexpensive.

I think it's fairly distasteful to expect friends to shell out hundreds for a foreign trip tbh.

When I was deciding on mine, I specifically didn't want people to feel they had to spend £££ so I organised it. I found a very cheap spa deal which included a massage and then we went out clubbing and everyone stayed at mine. When I helped to organise someone else's it was a nightmare as it was people I didn't know who came but didn't pay for stuff they'd agreed to. I ended up having to cover drink costs out of my own pocket and people went for a massage at a different time than I'd booked leaving me having to explain why I wasn't liable for the booking I had made.

I love my hens, they give amazing hugs, purr and lay eggs. .best pets ever! More chicken love needed on mn x. 😁

I agree, I got married in 2009 and my hen was a lovely afternoon tea followed by a night out with friends and some family. Some came to everything, some to just the daytime some just the evening depending on circumstances, most stayed overnight but there was no pressure to do so the venue was close enough to travel home if people preferred. It was a lovely day and everyone enjoyed themselves, I wouldn't have dreamed of demanding people forked out hundreds of pounds for my hen do or been bothered about people not attending the whole event!

I think it depends on your social circle.

The ones I've attended have been brunch on Saturday, activity (SUP/escape room/funny orienteering), driving to a cabin (owned by someone's parents) and dinner and drinks and swimming and games there. Then heading back home after breakfast.

Alternatives has been picnic in park, manicures, dinner and then clubbing.

Very basic. And this has been my experience within friendship circles. But then I've heard from my extended family about the more expensive ones.

I don't personally mind paying a bit more or even having a destination one if it is my close friends. And i get something out of it. Im not too happy to spend cash if it involves me watching the bride do cool stuff all day. we are a friendship group of 5, I wouldn't mind traveling for a hen party with this group. But I wouldn't be willing to do that with a large group of people I don't really know.

Yes, they do. Hen dos, big weddings, baby showers, baby sex reveals etc. there is far more of this now. However, I do agree with you about the narcissistic element, they dovetail.

I think you've hit the nail on the head.
It's no longer a rite of passage or saying goodbye to single life.

@MissScarletInTheBallroom - that makes me curious, too. I am 64, and when me and my friends got married they were all very modest hen parties and very low key weddings because that's all that people could afford! I remember more than one bride whose Mum made her dress, or they bought one second hand. I'd never heard of makeup artists. People's standard of living is far higher now, as is consumption of goods and services. I think gradually people have got very used to spending a lot on themselves and any event, so that has become the expectation.

This cracks me up😂 Hen parties are just a group of women getting together. It can be great or a disaster. Some are quiet and some are wild. They are really not one thing and I feel sorry for you if you’ve never had the pleasure of a hen party that was good. I’ve some cracking memories from hens over the years. Some less so. Some absolutely a highlight.

Unpopular opinion: I love a hen do!

Two in spain, one in the uk already so far, majorly helped plan one and it was easy! No big personalities, no dramas.

If you like them go, if you don't no pressure! That's how is in my group anyway!

My first hen 20 years ago was a night round town and the local nightclub. My friends did the same.

15 years later I married my second husband. I was aware the ante had been upped in terms of expectations. I did a weekend in a different city. Cost was £100 for hotel each , activities cost about £30 and then there was food and drink. Everyone came but I was very conscious of cost. I've not gone on any abroad hens they are too expensive although tbf none of my closest friends have done one

Completely agree. I’m in my 40s and when I/friends got married it was a night (or maybe day and night) out, not weekends away, balloon arches, matching T-shirts etc. It’s all completely overblown. Can’t help but feel instagram etc has had a big impact - celebrities show off their big celebrations and normal people want to do the same.

Used to be a night out in town with a few more people than usual!

Well exactly. Obviously 40 year olds aren't going to enjoy L plates, penis straws and a raucous night at The Showboat. It's for young brides and their young friends.

How can this be true?? According to MN everyone is living in poverty because of the wicked tories. The only people with money are boomers who got given 15 houses free and now won’t share anything.

I have never been on one of those big hen dos you see abroad, and it would absolutely be my idea of hell. I loathe 'forced fun' though, and there are only a few people in the world I'd enjoy spending days with at a time! Each to their own but I do always wonder if anyone really enjoys those massive hen/stag dos. Everyone I know who's been on one has talked about it like it's a chore they've had to get through somehow!

There's far more cheap credit now. People shove all this kind of thing on credit cards.

I think you're partly right. Some people are living on credit. However, most people have a standard of living their grandparents could only dream of.

That's largely tech-driven though. My grandparents were far richer than I am, on one income, but they wouldn't have had the same standard of living as times and priorities have changed.

It's very different, but most people definitely had a lower standard of living than now and there was less consumption of all things.
My four grandparents were far less affluent than me. Never owned a home or a car, never had a foreign holiday, never ate out.