Don’t understand why Hens are such a big thing?

[Endersduffduff]

Just reading yet another Hen drama on here.

I just don’t understand why Hen parties are now such a big deal! AIBU?

I’ve a friend who is my age but whose Husband is ten years her junior. Subsequently, her Husband’s friends (he has a group he is still mates with from school, who now all live miles and miles apart but by the sounds of it, see each other 5/6 times a year) are all starting to settle down. My friend has been invited on 3 big Hen parties (1 abroad for 5 days and 2 x 3 nights away in this country) since 2022. My friend is equally perplexed as to why she gets invited to these things. She did go to the first as her sister is mates with the bride and was there also. But she said it costs her about £400 for transport, accommodation, fancy dress and activities including one meal and booze for the house (my friend doesn’t drink).

Admittedly, I’ve been married 16 years. So maybe I’m old fashioned. But I can’t see in what scenario I’d expect friends and family to fork out hundreds of pounds to help “see me off”.

I mean, if I had a group of friends who holidayed/partied together ordinarily, I can see why that might well be great. But to then add partners
of the best man/others from the groom’s side, family and other friends, why should I think that would work and why on earth should these people all go to great expense for me?

For my hen, I had a night out that started as a couple of drinks at my parent’s house, a train into the town where we met others who didn’t want to/seemed silly travel to my parent’s in advance, a meal at a buffet type place and then onto a couple of pubs and club for those who wanted to. I really did have the best time. Everyone paid for themselves. Although I did get few bottles of wine put on the table and my mum bought these pin badges that said “Duffduff’s hen” with the date. Oh, and everyone wore black except me - I was told to wear a white top. My b/f and sister arranged it all but when I say arranged it, they literally booked the table in the restaurant once I knew who could attend and planned which pubs to go to (they obviously also got in touch with everyone to say wear black and told me to wear a white top but this is something they instigated and I didn’t know about until a week before).

I realise my hen may seem like hell on earth for others if they don’t like meals out/clubs, but my point is it doesn’t always have to involve nightmare logistics, a presents for the bride, nights away and warring bridal parties which surely then can have a knock on effect/added stress for the actual wedding!

Why do so many Hen parties seem so big now? Do the brides really need to feel celebrated to this extent/friends and family feel the need to show their love for the bride by throwing money around? Or have norms moved on so much in this last decade and a half and I’ve lost touch? ( I should add, my friend who I mentioned up thread, got married in 2019, and had an afternoon tea in a hall surrounded by about 20 guests and then went drinking with her sister and the few that wanted to in the evening.)

I realise upon writing this I may sound grumpy and old but I’m a few years off 40 and love a good night out!

And to alot of people it’s not extravagant.

What’s your point? like I said, if you can’t afford it then say no and if you feel bad saying no then work on yourself.

Things only 'die a death' if there's nobody who wants to do them so I don't know why the posters who love this type of event are squawking as if that poster who suggested it has mystical powers. Carry on if you like to, it obviously works in your circle. There's no need to disparage the smaller hen-do events either if they're not your thing, they were and possibly still are, exactly right for others and they don't think they're missing out on anything.

If you haven't seen the many, many threads where posters are in distress about hen-do creep (starts small with the demands which grow monstrous) then perhaps you wouldn't understand. There's also friend-of-a-friend scenarios where both friends are close to the bride to be but either don't really know or don't socialise with each other. Completely different dynamic which can be awful. Again, if you've never experienced that then you wouldn't know.

I've been married a long time and there was no social media then. I can't imagine the pressure that it puts on nearly everybody but the most obdurate to engage and fully expand to fit the space. Everything, do it right now, make sure it's captured many times, lot of smiles and crazy staring eyes, do it right now!

I'm horrified at the people who've taken selfies to their deaths in their determination to get the perfect shot of themselves doing something risky. When did that become a 'thing'?

Even for people who've grown up with social media and the need to live your life on it or be damned, it must be exhausting sometimes. For brides to be wanting to capitalise on that with destination weddings that their guests begrudgingly accept or cannot afford to attend, I think it's a poor show but, social media and the memories... priceless! Online forever, long after the marriage ends.

Baby showers… another thing people like to moan about. 😂

Thank goodness I’m ancient, and got married 32 years ago - before extravagant hen dos, gender reveals & baby showers.
Me & a group of friends in a restaurant, followed by the nightclub next door. Ex DH went to the races.
Seems to have gone so OTT now with people expected to part with large sums of money they can’t really afford.

I want to know why it's stags and hens?

Why not stag do and and doe do?

Or Hen do and cock do? Well perhaps not that one, but how come the female is a nagging hen and the guys a big bold impressive animal.

Time for a change methinks.

See, I find this interesting.

People have all this disposable income but also there's a cost of living crisis?

There was a thread yesterday about how much people spend on their holidays and I was really surprised to see how much people earning the same as or less than me are spending on their holidays. Then you add on things like 400 quid hen dos.

But at the same time there's all this economic doom and gloom and people having to find an extra 500 quid a month because their fixed rate mortgage is coming to an end, and food getting more expensive in the shops, and so on.

I wonder whether people are kidding themselves that they have more disposable income than they actually do.

I had a great hen do but we kept it to one night away, in a location which was convenient for the majority of the hens, and my bridesmaids did an excellent job of keeping the cost down as much as possible so that everyone could afford to come.

I think it depends on social circles as well as age. None of the women I know who have got married recently (in their 20s/30s) have had big hen dos.

From the voting on this thread it appears that you are in the minority.

I accept that many people can afford expensive hen dos, but this thread is about the many threads from posters who can't afford them.

I do enjoy a good ‘brides have lost the run of themselves’ hen weekend thread.

I’ve never been married so haven’t had a Mariah Carey style hen or a MN Approved style hen. I’ve been to both varieties and had fun at both varieties.

I have no issue with destination hen weekends, would quite fancy having one on the horizon actually,. as long as the bride is cool with people saying they can’t attend for whatever reason.

It's all about entitled brides, showing everyone how popular you are, outdoing your bride friends with venues, activities, numbers attending, me me me.

MissScarlet you might have hit the nail on why spending has changed.

When I got married, houses costed £40-100k but you could get them for between £6-17,000 also. I think that couples invested more of their income in getting a house because that was reachable and entirely achievable for many couples. Perhaps that's why big parties to celebrate in between engagement and marriage were generally more restrained, buying a house was seen to be a good thing. Spending that money on a piss-up when there's a wedding around the corner, not so much. No social media pressure either.

The recent wedding thread - no details as it's gone now - but a destination 'wedding' where the bride and groom are secretly married. Many posters thought this was no big deal but for many others it was. Investment in your friends lives costs sometimes and that goes for hen-dos too. It's not a small thing, it's a big ask for many.

One of many examples of upscaling of events, designed of course to get you to spend money.

See also 'big birthdays' (all of which are only 24 hours long), 'valentine's weekend (no it is one day), school proms and many other examples.

I think extravagant hen dos are part of this Instagram 'show off' culture, to be honest.

It seems to have changed loads.Ive been married 24 years and had a hen which was similar to yours. I booked the main part - scoped it out with a friend beforehand. Restaurant/club then back to mine (best but imho!). Had some forfeits, friends had made a ‘hen book’, silly games. Mix of my old/new (work) friends. Was great fun. DH went away but in UK and not far - they played football/went for meal/pub. Home next day.
I think I’ve only been to two others - one was a hotel/spa for night 50 miles away and other meal/club but a handful of us. The rest of my friends didn’t get married (gay/single) or we met after they married (mum friends). Never went to a hen of dh’s friends wives - why would I if I wasn’t friendly with them?
I’ve never been to a baby shower, again, wrong generation. The youngest of my friends kids is 10 but she def didn’t have a ‘shower’.
It all seems to have got out of hand now.

Almost lost a friendship over the cost of a Hen party. It put me off so much, I hate the idea of people having to spend money on my life choices. My hen was just my mates at a cocktail bar and then we had a maccas. It was brilliant!

But then, my wedding was also low key and low stress with a registry office and then a back room at a gorgeous pub. No sit down dinner, no themes, no timetable. I just wanted people I love in one room to have a lovely time with me and my husband. I just cant get my head any other way.

Foreign trips might.not be what you personally would class as extravagant, but guess what, that's just you personally. I assume you don't have a detailed knowledge of all your friends finances. I was a few pints person in 2019. It still would have cost people though, they weren't all based in my city. I had some people stay in my house with me to keep their costs down.

They are my idea of hell. I hate getting an invite to one.

just say "thanks but i won't be there". Why is that difficult?

Agree. I am getting married in Dec and not having a hen. A couple of pals have said oh you need to do something, so I might have them round to the house for afternoon tea and prosecco or something along those lines . I don't feel they should have to pay for the privilege of organising a hen.

I did have a hen for first marriage but all it was , was a meal for 8 of us and I paid .

Nowadays there seems to be this big pressure to go all out and make it insta friendly with what looks a load of tat to me.

I am older and wiser now and just can't be arsed!

It was actually a thread on why they are a big thing.

To be honest as well, it’s probably all the miserable people that will pop a kids ball if it’s kicked in their garden more then once in an entire summer, people who don’t answer the phone or god forbid open the door to people that have voted so it was never going to be unbiased. As most people on MN are allergic to having a good time.

Wow. You are extremely judgemental on this thread, and if your attitude is the same in RL as it is on this thread, you don't strike me as the kind of person most people would want to be at a hen do with.

I think hen dos lasting more than one night or abroad are divisive, Not everyone can afford to go, or to take the time away from work or children.

It's the wedding industrial complex. Extract as much money out of people as possible.

Also, it's getting worse. My daughter's friend is having a hen weekend in Paris AND a bridal shower at an expensive afternoon tea hotel in London.

You are right. I stand corrected. I was going off on a tangent there. I don't disagree with you about answering the phone or the door either.

However, I do think it is rather tone deaf to say that a hen do abroad isn't extravagant or beyond many people's budgets.

I agree @Brefugee that people should say thanks, but no thanks to an invitation. It isn't that difficult. I also don't understand why people find it so difficult to say that they can't afford to go.

The 'cost' element seems to be evading you.

I've never had a typical hen do with days of activities, £££ spent for flight and accommodation and pressured people to take days off work and organise childcare. I just organised a night out in town, those that lived far away which were only two cousins stayed the night at mine and we first had dinner, did pub crawl and went to a local night club just for the cheesy fun and my dad/dh picked us all up and dropped everyone off lol.

Equally, I've never organised a sex reveal party and baby shower. I've had two babies and friends and family just visited me after birth when I was ready and that's it. Don't understand all the fuss around weddings and babies which is why I didn't make a fuss for mine.