Don’t understand why Hens are such a big thing?

[Endersduffduff]

Just reading yet another Hen drama on here.

I just don’t understand why Hen parties are now such a big deal! AIBU?

I’ve a friend who is my age but whose Husband is ten years her junior. Subsequently, her Husband’s friends (he has a group he is still mates with from school, who now all live miles and miles apart but by the sounds of it, see each other 5/6 times a year) are all starting to settle down. My friend has been invited on 3 big Hen parties (1 abroad for 5 days and 2 x 3 nights away in this country) since 2022. My friend is equally perplexed as to why she gets invited to these things. She did go to the first as her sister is mates with the bride and was there also. But she said it costs her about £400 for transport, accommodation, fancy dress and activities including one meal and booze for the house (my friend doesn’t drink).

Admittedly, I’ve been married 16 years. So maybe I’m old fashioned. But I can’t see in what scenario I’d expect friends and family to fork out hundreds of pounds to help “see me off”.

I mean, if I had a group of friends who holidayed/partied together ordinarily, I can see why that might well be great. But to then add partners
of the best man/others from the groom’s side, family and other friends, why should I think that would work and why on earth should these people all go to great expense for me?

For my hen, I had a night out that started as a couple of drinks at my parent’s house, a train into the town where we met others who didn’t want to/seemed silly travel to my parent’s in advance, a meal at a buffet type place and then onto a couple of pubs and club for those who wanted to. I really did have the best time. Everyone paid for themselves. Although I did get few bottles of wine put on the table and my mum bought these pin badges that said “Duffduff’s hen” with the date. Oh, and everyone wore black except me - I was told to wear a white top. My b/f and sister arranged it all but when I say arranged it, they literally booked the table in the restaurant once I knew who could attend and planned which pubs to go to (they obviously also got in touch with everyone to say wear black and told me to wear a white top but this is something they instigated and I didn’t know about until a week before).

I realise my hen may seem like hell on earth for others if they don’t like meals out/clubs, but my point is it doesn’t always have to involve nightmare logistics, a presents for the bride, nights away and warring bridal parties which surely then can have a knock on effect/added stress for the actual wedding!

Why do so many Hen parties seem so big now? Do the brides really need to feel celebrated to this extent/friends and family feel the need to show their love for the bride by throwing money around? Or have norms moved on so much in this last decade and a half and I’ve lost touch? ( I should add, my friend who I mentioned up thread, got married in 2019, and had an afternoon tea in a hall surrounded by about 20 guests and then went drinking with her sister and the few that wanted to in the evening.)

I realise upon writing this I may sound grumpy and old but I’m a few years off 40 and love a good night out!

There isn’t any fuss or issue. Except from posters like you who never go on abroad hens but simply can’t understand them and like to start threads about it.
These kind of threads are always littered with people who have never done an abroad hen and never would, yet like to complain about them for some bizarre reason.

They are not a new thing, some people like them and some people don’t. Some can afford them and others can’t. Some say yes and some say no. It’s really that simple.

I think it’s because now that most couples have been living together for years when they decide to marry, they feel that the hen and wedding have to be more of a splash because nothing will really change afterwards. They are not actually starting a whole new life together.

Do they really have much more disposable income?

For a start, housing costs (both rents and mortgages) are generally considerably more expensive, relative to incomes, than they were a few decades ago.

IMO it’s rather more a sense of me-me entitlement behind expensive hen do’s now. Of course if the bride knows very well that everyone can easily afford it, that’s different, but all too often they apparently know no such thing - and don’t apparently care.

You’re really judging women for being more classy and drinking less on a hen do?!

Your hen do presumably was arranged that way because everyone was local. That's fine and great but hasn't been the case for any I've been to, and I would guess is much less likely now than it was a few decades ago. If people are travelling then it will realistically be a weekend long thing.

Where did I say women were drinking less?
I didn't. I said the classy location. When it comes to hen do's, they seem to be getting bigger and more expensive, such as four days in Puerto Banus, an example on my FB.

It’s all to do with social media. Everything is big and showy now and women are addicted to the planning and buying. It starts with the hens, then it’s the wedding, then baby showers, first birthdays….

I'm ancient too but mine was a meal with vast amount of drinks, then clubbing with even more drinks.

Also people aspire to the lives of celebs on social media and these ‘dos’ keep evolving. Just seen Vicki pattisons showy ‘sten’ do on instagram and it’s a prime example.

My response was in relation to the many hen do threads I read on here from posters who are struggling with spiralling costs, unreasonable bridezillas, spending time with people they don't know or like and being guilt tripped by unreasonable organisers.

I have no issue at all if a group of close friends want a holiday together that they can all afford, but so many of the hen do threads seem to show that there are a lot of tone deaf organisers who don't get that many people either can't afford to go or don't have enough annual leave.

I would have thought the posters defending this kind of hen do must realise this, or have they not read any of these threads?

I did have some uni mates who came and they were from different areas of the country. They stayed at my house so no extra cost for accommodation altogether, granted, their transport costs would have been considerably higher than my local friends and family. (My sister too wasn’t local, and she stayed at my mum’s.)

Yes - it's fine to say "Don't go if you don't want to/can't afford it", but I've seen SO many stories on here of awful pressure on women to go and they often cannot really afford it. Throw in that perhaps there are a number of these in a short period of time and I can absolutely see why it becomes really stressful for some women.

“There isn’t any fuss or issue”. How about the posts we see on here from bridesmaids/guests and even brides where the planning has spiralled?

In case I’m one of the ones you thin has littered the thread with complaints, I was asking whether I was being unreasonable. You seem to think I am. And that’s fine.

Oh and maybe not a new thing but certainly more of a common thing these days.

How about the posts we see on here from bridesmaids/guests and even brides where the planning has spiralled?

@Endersduffduff The posters defending extravagant hen dos have either not read these threads or are in the fortunate position of having the time and money to go, plus friends (who also have the time and money) they actually want to spend time with.

Or maybe we have a couple of bridezillas on this thread?

Agree I think it's beyond expensive these days no one is content with doing a day out/evening out to celebrate it's now let's spend £400 plus for a long weekend etc

And yes you don't have to go along as some will say but it's still hard when you might be seen as a party pooper or scrooge for not wanting to spend £££s on someone's hen

Hens.....I too thought chickens and was ready for a chat about those girls!

My hen was just a meal at pizza hut with a few drinks with my sisters and a few friends (about 10 of us I think). I was relatively young and a lot of my friends were students so I wanted it to be affordable. Plus my sister wanted to come and she was only 14 so clubbing was out. I think big hen parties are fine if you can afford it but it should also be fine to say no without pressure. Also I think it's more enjoyable if the hens mostly know each other, I had my friends from school and both my sisters but it's a bit awkward if you have 1 friend from work, 1 from uni, the Best man girlfriend and your sister in law.

It’s really not difficult to think of reasons why people would prefer to go abroad and celebrate rather then stay in their local city centre though…

Lots of things that wasn’t common, now are… times change and things evolve. It’s just life.

You do realise that some people spending a few hundred pounds on a hen don’t count that as extravagant? Flying to Spain/Dublin/Prague on cheap flight and drinking/sitting by the pool isn’t something I would class as extravagant.

Iv read plenty of these threads and it’s the same thing, people going on about back in the day they had a few pints in the pub and went back home and theirs no need for all this fuss. People like to moan about anything they don’t see as normal now though.

If you don’t want to go on one then don’t, if you don’t have the ability to say no then people need to work on themselves instead of moaning about paying for things because they can’t say no thanks.

I reckon there should be a national 'rent a friend' list for those like me who would love an odd weekend like this but no longer have friends doing hen nights - I'm 62 but love a good laugh - and like meeting new people - at the stage I have the cash to do stuff- no one does things like this that I know

You do realise that some people spending a few hundred pounds on a hen don’t count that as extravagant? Flying to Spain/Dublin/Prague on cheap flight and drinking/sitting by the pool isn’t something I would class as extravagant.

To a lot of people it is extravagant. Haven't you read any of the hen do threads on here?

Same here @Crikeyalmighty

Depends on your friends too doesn't it. Just did a tot up on my fingers of the 10 or so couples with kids who I'm closest friends with: 6 couples aren't married, 2 are same sex, and of the married ones only 2 of those couples had hen/stag nights, both UK night in the pub. One of the weddings was a civil partnership. Another was a Vegas eloping. Literally nobody I know has had adult bridesmaids.

At least we haven't caught Bachelorette yet, unlike fucking baby shower.

It depends on everyone’s different circumstances. The only abroad hen I’ve been on was for a dear friend who quite frankly had a tough few years with multiple bereavements. Everyone was very happy to celebrate her as she deserved a lovely time with her friends. For my hen party I chose one night in a city not far away. Most came, some didn’t, I was fine with that.