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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD and her uncle...AIBU to feel uncomfortable?

415 replies

maay · 07/05/2024 00:35

My daughter is 12. In January her uncle started giving her guitar lessons as she really wanted to learn. He has been playing for years and sometimes teaches lessons, so when he offered to teach her for free, it was too good to turn down. The lessons are at our house. She's really been enjoying it. I still offer him money, but it's always a firm no.

He took her to see a band that they both like in March. His wife was also there. DD came back with loads of merch. I was thankful but told him he didn't need to do all of that! I felt like it was really cool they were bonding so well though. DH loved to see it as well.

He has bought her quite a few things now other than that merch. Like a necklace, posters, figurines, he even offered to buy her expensive trainers when she asked me for them in front of him. I said no to that one, because me and DH already decided she didn't need them. (girl has a lot.)

DH and I check her phone regularly. They text each other probably once or twice a week. It's brief and they just send each other memes and links to music they like. I haven't seen an actual conversation with them, so think I'm happy with that.

Yesterday he was at our house. We were all in the same room talking. DD went and sat on his lap and it made me feel uncomfortable. Only because she never sits on an adults lap anymore? I wasn't going to make a scene or anything, so I just made an excuse and asked her to come help me with something in a different room. When she went back into the room, she didn't sit on his lap again.

The same day, he dropped into conversation about how "Asian and half Asian girls are the most beautiful" he looked at DD and she giggled. DD is half Asian. I'm starting to feel a bit uncomfortable with it all. But I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable? I don't want to break an innocent bond, but I feel like I missed some red flags and I'm now seeing them? DH says he just loves his niece and he doesn't think we have to worry.

OP posts:
goldenretrievermum5 · 07/05/2024 00:39

I’m not of a sensitive disposition and try to see the good in people but I have to admit OP that my stomach dropped at your DD sitting on his lap. Trust your gut - something really isn’t right

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/05/2024 00:44

Sorry, I agree with goldenretrievermum5. Though I wouldn’t immediately leapt to judgement of her uncle: 12 year old girls (and boys) get crushes. He may just be being nice, even if that’s not helpful.

Is he your brother or your husband’s? Either way, I’d talk to him. It needs to be out in the open.

Liliberated · 07/05/2024 00:44

Always trust your instincts on these matters. Always. You don’t have to stop their relationship completely if you are not fully sure of your instincts just be with them always. Speak to your DD and bolster up her boundaries too. Grooming is the process of sweeping away emotional warning systems. Counter any grooming processes by bringing awareness constantly to emotional signals.

Groomers operate by misusing shame and pro social emotions to facilitate abuse. If you say out loud “Oh DD sitting on an uncle’s knee at your age isn’t appropriate” directly in front of him. If he counters your boundaries which you are clearly stating then he is being inappropriate even if it is just low level boundary pushing and not something more sinister.

Changedname23 · 07/05/2024 00:51

Trust your gut here OP

Itwasafterallallaboutme · 07/05/2024 00:59

This reply has been deleted

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DramaAlpaca · 07/05/2024 01:04

You have instincts for a reason.

It might be completely innocent, but I think you'd be wise to ensure your DD and her uncle don't get time together alone.

And yes to telling her, in front of him, that sitting on his lap is inappropriate. Do it in a jokey way if you like, but make sure he knows you've noticed.

Make sure you empower your DD by talking to her about her own boundaries too.

Efh · 07/05/2024 01:04

Perv

pikkumyy77 · 07/05/2024 01:05

I agree its concerning.

Starsandflowers · 07/05/2024 01:08

I'd not jump to conclusions but I'd be keeping a careful eye.
My uncle had no kids of his own and was always very generous to me and is the same to my kids. If someone isn't getting constantly asked for things coz they don't have their own kids they can sometimes appear over generous because they don't quite get the expectation it creates.
I also think that if it were your daughter who went up and sat on his lap of her own accord without any encouragement then the issue may be rather than something untoward, just be that she doesn't understand that's not appropriate and he didn't know how to navigate that type of behaviour so just did nothing.
It's a difficult age in that sense coz she will still be quite innocent and want to be as affectionate with family as she might have been as a younger child.. however as she's now in her teens it becomes a bit inappropriate.
Personally I'd not go straight in with being suspicious but I would be perhaps lessening the time they spend alone together.. not stopping it but just keeping a bit more of an eye. It's a difficult one this one. I get why it's making you uncomfortable and it's hard to tackle without hurting your daughter or him. I guess just trying to subtly scale back the time they are spending together is the best course of action? It sounds like she is a bit too close to him.
Chances are he's a lovely man and there's absolutely no ulterior motive to that... but on the off chance there is I think just to keep her safe, you need to try to scale back the relationship a bit.

Original poster
maay · 07/05/2024 01:08

Thanks everyone.

@Itwasafterallallaboutme uncle is Caucasian. DD is half East Asian.

OP posts:
JadeSheep · 07/05/2024 01:15

The moment she sat on his lap I felt uncomfortable - I can imagine your feeling at that moment.

I'd say it's innocent but that you need to gently explain boundaries to your daughter and, I dunno I'd definitely be keeping an eye on this too.

MarjorieStuartBaxter · 07/05/2024 01:19

So is it yiur brother or not? Sitting in his lap at 12 is weird tbh but otherwise if he was a paedo I doubt he'd be doing all that in front of your face maybe he's just being a nice uncle dies he have kids?

Choux · 07/05/2024 01:22

12 year old half Asian girls may get crushes but the adult object of that crush should not be saying that 'half Asian girls are the most beautiful'.

Perhaps when playing the guitar they are getting physically close as he helps her with hand positioning etc but she needs to know that is just because of the lesson and is not appropriate when there is no guitar. Were there no empty chairs in the room where she could have sat?

My thoughts with all the gifts is that he's trying to win her over. The gig and merch could have been a birthday gift but what does he say when he gives her necklaces and figurines? Do you think he's encouraging a crush or being inappropriate with her in any way?

And to be honest the phone memes may not be all they are messaging. He wouldn't be the first to tell a young girl 'we can message but make sure you delete my messages afterwards and only leave the memes as your mum wouldn't like knowing we get on so well. Let's keep it between us.'

Original poster
maay · 07/05/2024 01:24

@MarjorieStuartBaxter technically he's my step brother, but we have been close since early teens. He doesn't have kids. He recently married and they are planning on having them.

OP posts:
goldenretrievermum5 · 07/05/2024 01:25

MarjorieStuartBaxter · 07/05/2024 01:19

So is it yiur brother or not? Sitting in his lap at 12 is weird tbh but otherwise if he was a paedo I doubt he'd be doing all that in front of your face maybe he's just being a nice uncle dies he have kids?

Grooming doesn’t always happen behind closed doors

ageratum1 · 07/05/2024 01:27

It was your dd's choice to sit on his lap soI don't understand why you are blaming your poor brother!He was probably embarrassed by it too, and didn't know what yo do
I don't think the buying bits for her is a big deal as he hasn't any children.My childless aunt bought me things.
And the complimentary stuff seems pretty normal too

Original poster
maay · 07/05/2024 01:31

@ageratum1 but she literally never sits on laps since she was little. It really surprised me that she did that. There were seats available. But you may be right.

OP posts:
amispeakingintongues · 07/05/2024 01:35

I wouldn't like any of it OP. Just ask your dd if anything weird is going on, reminder her that it is wrong if he is doing/saying certain things, and that she is totally safe to tell you the truth.

sl0th · 07/05/2024 01:35

Oh, no, no, no! This wouldn't sit right with me at all.

Headstarttohappiness · 07/05/2024 01:43

goldenretrievermum5 · 07/05/2024 00:39

I’m not of a sensitive disposition and try to see the good in people but I have to admit OP that my stomach dropped at your DD sitting on his lap. Trust your gut - something really isn’t right

Edited

Me too.
The beautiful comment too - he’s grooming her in front of you to demonstrate your implicit consent to her.

Original poster
maay · 07/05/2024 01:43

To clarify...she doesn't like showing physical affection much anymore. Because it's "uncool" She will give a quick hug, but no cuddles or kisses on the cheek good night etc. There would be no way she would sit on my lap or her dad's lap. Which is the reason for my surprise.

OP posts:
Crispsandcola · 07/05/2024 01:54

You need to trust your gut here. Sitting on her uncle's lap in these circumstances is not appropriate and I would be uncomfortable with it.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 07/05/2024 01:59

Until the sitting on the lap I thought it sounded like a childless Uncle who spoiled her because he didn't have children of his own yet

The sitting on his lap would start to raise a red flag. It could just be continuing of the familial relationship whereby he wished he had children or a crush from her. But then the comment about half Asians being beautiful would have raised the flag to full.

When you asked her to help you with something you could have causally said "you don't sit in our lap anymore. Why did you sit in Uncle's?"

I'd be sitting in on guitar lessons from now on. And saying to Uncle, "we do appreciate you buying DD gifts but we're worried she's going to become spoilt and she has so much stuff now
Could you cut it back a bit?" And make sure your DD knows she can speak to you about anything.

twohotwaterbottles · 07/05/2024 01:59

Trust your instincts. They're rarely wrong. My daughter is 12 and very loving but there's no way she'd be sitting on anyone's lap. She'd think it was very weird indeed. I'd stay in the room for the guitar lessons and afk him to stop with all the gifts apart from birthdays etc. I'd also talk to her school as they do all sorts of lessons about boundaries and healthy relationships. I'd also talk to your daughter. Be honest. Talk about the uncomfortable stuff. Online safety, grooming, what it looks like and how it happens. Good luck OP

Spinningroundahelix · 07/05/2024 02:26

I'm feeling uncomfortable reading that. I remember at a similar age saying that I really disliked a male uncle. My father, and it was his brother, inquired delicately if there was any reason in particular why I disliked him. I knew what he was getting at as I was quite a precocious child but, honestly, there was any improper behaviour of the type you're suggesting and I told my father that. Your daughter might well have a crush especially as he's not actually a blood relative. At that age I would never have sat on a a male relative's lap. Your brother may be completely unaware.

I would make sure I had some time alone with her - driving her somewhere can often encourage a child to talk. Perhaps raise the topic of she has to stop asking uncle for things - mention that he and and aunt will be likely having children of their own soon. Tell her that if she is ever uncertain about anything she can talk to you about it and you won't tell her off about anything.

When my son was tutored at home in maths, the tutor had an iron clad rule about my son being chaperoned with an adult in the house at all times. I didn't think that was at all unreasonable. We also had a set up with glass doors into the sitting room so they could always be potentially observed. I would want to be much more present for those guitar lessons for your brother's sake as much as your daughter's.

Alternatively, you could "level" with your brother and confess that you think she has a little crush and could he very firmly discourage her. That means if he is grooming he knows you are on to him and if he is completely innocent he is aware of the problem and should take steps to make sure he is not alone with her or letting her behave in an inappropriate fashion.