DD and her uncle...AIBU to feel uncomfortable?

[maay]

My daughter is 12. In January her uncle started giving her guitar lessons as she really wanted to learn. He has been playing for years and sometimes teaches lessons, so when he offered to teach her for free, it was too good to turn down. The lessons are at our house. She's really been enjoying it. I still offer him money, but it's always a firm no.

He took her to see a band that they both like in March. His wife was also there. DD came back with loads of merch. I was thankful but told him he didn't need to do all of that! I felt like it was really cool they were bonding so well though. DH loved to see it as well.

He has bought her quite a few things now other than that merch. Like a necklace, posters, figurines, he even offered to buy her expensive trainers when she asked me for them in front of him. I said no to that one, because me and DH already decided she didn't need them. (girl has a lot.)

DH and I check her phone regularly. They text each other probably once or twice a week. It's brief and they just send each other memes and links to music they like. I haven't seen an actual conversation with them, so think I'm happy with that.

Yesterday he was at our house. We were all in the same room talking. DD went and sat on his lap and it made me feel uncomfortable. Only because she never sits on an adults lap anymore? I wasn't going to make a scene or anything, so I just made an excuse and asked her to come help me with something in a different room. When she went back into the room, she didn't sit on his lap again.

The same day, he dropped into conversation about how "Asian and half Asian girls are the most beautiful" he looked at DD and she giggled. DD is half Asian. I'm starting to feel a bit uncomfortable with it all. But I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable? I don't want to break an innocent bond, but I feel like I missed some red flags and I'm now seeing them? DH says he just loves his niece and he doesn't think we have to worry.

But it is such an unusual thing for the OP'S DD to do, it smacks of familiarity?
OP have you asked her if this was the first time? I would tread carefully and engineer the topic light heartedly.
Don't let her suspect straight away that you are concerned.
All of this would make me very uncomfortable because of my own childhood memories of abuse, so I realise this affects how I view many interactions.

Talk to him about the need to protect DD from inappropriate behaviour, that other adult men groom children so you have to be really clear with DD about what is and isn’t appropriate.

”DB it’s great to see how well you get on, and she’s loving learning guitar. She’s really lucky to have another safe adult on her side. We’re trying to teach her good boundaries, so she recognises when men are being inappropriate. We don’t want her to think it’s ok to sit on her teachers’ lap at school! It’s so hard to protect them these days!”

I just wanted to say that I’m surprised by the hard line that physical contact at 12 isn’t ok (not the brother specifically - generally). My DS 12 will still come sit on my knee. Only in very comfortable company and mostly if he’s tired or poorly. He will come and have a cuddle in bed (over the duvet that I’m under). It’s lovely and bonding. He is still a child.

With the brother I’m torn. Me and DH had nieces and nephews before we had DC and we felt really close to them and spoiled them. All our maternal and paternal instincts got focused on them. We had DC by the time they were 12 though and I can’t remember when cuddles and lap sitting stopped. They still hug us and DH is a ‘top of the head’ kisser when they are sitting down. I wonder if he needs to stop this?!

So, he might be like my DH. A bit gregarious and unboundaried in showing affection but harmless in terms of sexual risk. He may see her very much as a child and the comment about Asian girls (whilst being disgustingly mysoginistic) might have been a clumsy attempt to boost her self esteem… BUT …

Trust your instincts and whilst this could be all innocent, it is also how grooming starts so it’s very wise to be aware and keep the lies of communication open with DD and tackle things in the moment as per fab post above. Keep a very close eye.

Weird and creepy.
I worked with a lady who was made pregnant by her uncle aged 16, she was massively affected by it (alcoholism).
Her mother thought it was good that he was taking a fatherly interest in her ( from age 13 IIRC ).

Obviously on MM he is trying to groom her. However, in real life I would say that it is probably just a child free to uncle spoiling his niece who he is fond of (especially because of the music). She may well have sat on his lap because she has a childish crush (or she is playing the sweet little girl act to get more treats out of her uncle!)

That’s your son though. If your son was sitting on his teacher’s lap would you feel comfortable with it?

Sounds like your daughter has a crush.

You need to rephrase that last sentence.
Most children are not sexually abused.
Children who are sexually abused are more likely
to be abused by a relative than a stranger.

Indeed, and if anything, history tells us that white men who play guitars are apt to abuse children - seems like half the 1960/70s rockers (e.g. the rolling stones, Bowie, Elvis etc) openly went after 13 or 14 year olds, even marrying them at times!

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this op.

Wow just wow. This is absolutely disgusting comment. How do you feel now that you know the uncle is actually Caucasian??

Sorry that you are going through the turmoil OP. I would reconsider the guitar lessons. Also talk to you DD about grooming. She is old enough to understand this process and may also protect her from other predatory men out there.

He is grooming her :(

Ha! I’m sorry to say, but you’re very wrong, they’ll do that kind of stuff in front of people. OP, I was abused as a child for many years by a relative, so many adults looked the other way or made excuses for him because they didn’t want to deal with it. Some even blamed me because they saw it as me courting his attention. Please keep a very close eye on this, it sounds like grooming 101.

Your list started of innocently, and I don’t see anything wrong with the concert and merch. but when I got to the expensive trainers, my spidery senses started tingling as well, and the sitting in lap was definitely crossing the boundary (although as you say, she instigated it).

Looking at it from a different perspective, has he become the cool uncle, and she’s got a crush on him. She’s twelve, and hormones could begin to kick in.

However, nothing wrong in scaling back the contact and keeping it business only.

Exactly. People like @EmilyTjP put it on the child- SHE has a ‘crush’, as if it’s something the child is doing to an innocent adult, not the other way around.

It is sickening what that poster said. I worked in social services and can assure you familial abuse is not more prevalent in South Asian or any other communities moreso than white. You don’t need to have worked in SS to know this just have some basic common sense. The implication that if the uncle is eg. a white man or non-Asian, she’s less at risk - is vile and baseless .

Why would you say that? Do you think nonces are these rare unicorns that only exist in the pages of The Daily Mail? 1 in 6 children are abused, these predators are more common than anyone would like to think.

12 yo can and do develop crushes. Most men just ignore it and get on with life. A few use the opportunity to abuse them.

The fact she sat on his lap says nothing about him. You should definitely keep an eye, but don't jump to accuse him just because she's behaving inappropriately, don't blame him for a 12yo's behaviour unless and until you have something he has actually done which is inappropriate.

Groomers groom the whole family by pushing boundaries to see how far they can go. It's called abuse in plain sight. I think this is what the uncle did with his comment about looks and seeing what happens when your DD sat on his lap.

It's too close to grooming for my liking. Id find a new guitar teacher and talk to your daughter about boundaries.

Thats odd IMO, he is not just complimentary of his own race, he is giving his preference to which race of women he finds attractive. Such a weird comment. Creepy uncle isn’t a well known thing for no reason.

Indeed. This is an example of how racism puts kids at risk. If you’re so focused on the idea of one community being the predators you’ll miss the groomers in your own.

I read the comment as Asian girls are more attractive to Caucasian men because of the awful stereotypes of "Asian schoolgirl" that you often see in borderline "pornography/child sa images.

I agree. Thats all a bit weird. Listen to your gut