DD and her uncle...AIBU to feel uncomfortable?

[maay]

My daughter is 12. In January her uncle started giving her guitar lessons as she really wanted to learn. He has been playing for years and sometimes teaches lessons, so when he offered to teach her for free, it was too good to turn down. The lessons are at our house. She's really been enjoying it. I still offer him money, but it's always a firm no.

He took her to see a band that they both like in March. His wife was also there. DD came back with loads of merch. I was thankful but told him he didn't need to do all of that! I felt like it was really cool they were bonding so well though. DH loved to see it as well.

He has bought her quite a few things now other than that merch. Like a necklace, posters, figurines, he even offered to buy her expensive trainers when she asked me for them in front of him. I said no to that one, because me and DH already decided she didn't need them. (girl has a lot.)

DH and I check her phone regularly. They text each other probably once or twice a week. It's brief and they just send each other memes and links to music they like. I haven't seen an actual conversation with them, so think I'm happy with that.

Yesterday he was at our house. We were all in the same room talking. DD went and sat on his lap and it made me feel uncomfortable. Only because she never sits on an adults lap anymore? I wasn't going to make a scene or anything, so I just made an excuse and asked her to come help me with something in a different room. When she went back into the room, she didn't sit on his lap again.

The same day, he dropped into conversation about how "Asian and half Asian girls are the most beautiful" he looked at DD and she giggled. DD is half Asian. I'm starting to feel a bit uncomfortable with it all. But I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable? I don't want to break an innocent bond, but I feel like I missed some red flags and I'm now seeing them? DH says he just loves his niece and he doesn't think we have to worry.

Wow I can't believe people are actually having the audacity to blame the CHILD here that is appalling...

The only appropriate ground rule here is that this man doesn’t have access to OP’s DD again. He is blocked on her phone and cannot contact her to set up secret channels of communication or undermine the actions OP is taking. He will of course be offended and say it’s been blown out of all proportion and try and get other family members on side including, if he is able to gain access to her, DD. That cannot be allowed to happen. DD will be upset and confused and wonder if she has done anything wrong. OP needs to be categorical that his behaviour (not DD’s) is very very wrong. This is a man who buys expensive gifts (gifts which OP has said DD cannot have) so he is already undermining her. A ground rule isn’t going to stop him. He is growing in confidence (complimenting her attractiveness and normalising sitting on his knee in public). He is pushing the boundaries of acceptability to see what he can get away with. A ground rule isn’t going to stop him. It will give him a warning as to what he can and can’t get away with and make him more devious. The only way to protect her DD is for OP to prevent any further contact and to report this to prevent him having further access to other young girls. It’s gone waaaaay past asking for ground rules to be adhered to. Given the almost unanimous opinion on here, I am surprised you can’t see that.

The child is an easy/soft target, that's why they so often get blamed.
Accuse a man of something and he will be angry & push back if he thinks he has a chance of getting away with it. And with these types of crimes part of the temptation seems to be that it is easy to get away with, exploiting/fooling/tricking a child is easy- 'taking candy from a baby' etc.
Where csa is concerned the perpetrator will have been drawn to the child because they sense they are an easy target, it will be easy to flatter & seduce her into going along with him.
Accusing a man is risky, he will do all he can to punish you if you threaten his good name.
Blaming the child is easy, she has no power, is already confused & ashamed because she feels it's her fault.
Victims of csa often go off the rails in some way or have mental health issues because of the abuse, and so her accusers are vindicated, 'we knew she was a wrong-un' etc

He's going to be very angry and not want to stop the lessons and of course deny everything.

Good luck OP.

The trainers issue could be your way to get into the conversation with him, first of all about not undermining your decisions to as parents, as he will realise if/when he becomes a parent. This can be your lead into how his behaviour looks and that you will supervise her contact with him for his protection as well as hers. His response will tell you all you need to know.

A lot of people feel worried about reporting potential grooming, as if they are completely responsible if the person ends up being innocent.

Please instead think of it as your duty as part of safeguarding your child, and other children a potential paedophile has contact with. If there are concerns he has been grooming your child then it would be appropriate to report this to the social services mash team (multi agency safeguarding hub). Safeguarding information from healthcare, schools, police and families will go here. If the mash team have enough suspicion, or other reports of inappropriate behaviour come in about him, they will act. You are not the initiator of action but the provider of information to form a better idea for what safeguarding action needs to be taken.

You can report directly to them or the police depending on your preference.

Just caught up on this thread from yesterday. Sending hugs and strength OP. I'm so sorry it's exactly what it sounded like. What a fabulous mum you are. Huge well done for having the difficult conversations. You clearly have a lovely relationship with DD. DDs school and the police will know exactly how to proceed. Take care x

OP PLEASE don’t let the guitar lessons continue. My friend was abused by a tutor- she was 14, he was in his 40s. She said her mum had the door open and would potter in and out of the room the whole time- and he’d still manage to touch her inappropriately, she said he seemed to almost enjoy the challenge of a secret touch when her mum was right there- sometimes even talking to him. I feel sick just thinking about it. She’s nearly 50 herself now and is still completely messed up because of it. She said he appeared to everyone else to be a lovely guy, funny, attractive and good at his job.

At the moment the uncle sounds like he’s in the early grooming phase of showering with presents, time, compliments etc, DD is understandably enjoying all this attention. Hopefully it hasn’t yet progressed to what he more than likely is really after. Please stop this now before it does.

Don’t worry about trying not to offend him, your focus is on protecting your DD. You can explain- we want to make sure DD has very healthy and robust boundaries, and no matter if his intentions are innocent- she needs to learn that sitting on a man’s knee, accepting loads of presents from him, lots of texting with an adult man- even when it’s her uncle - isn’t ok. Maybe say the guitar lesson time doesn’t work for you any more but you’ve managed to find another one somewhere else at a time that does- and then maybe do something nice just you and DD in that time so she gets time with you and doesn’t feel she’s missing out. Please be on guarding for him starting the ‘oh your mum doesn’t approve us being friends haha, she doesn’t understand, we’ll have to meet up somewhere else to continue our music chats….’. I’d have a talk with DD, making sure she knows she’s done absolutely nothing wrong, but explaining why the lap sitting and comments he made aren’t ok. Do you check her phone generally OP?

Sorry I posted before seeing your update. So sorry it sounds like what you feared OP.

Has your husband not had a little chat with him in a small room with the door shut?

I only ask because he doesn't seem to be involved very much with this.

@maay hope you're all ok?

It also leads to ignorant people mistaking paediatricians for paedophiles

And tarring all fantastic male music teachers with the same paedophile brush is just as ridiculous <<shakes head>>

@maay how are things going?

Any news op?