DD and her uncle...AIBU to feel uncomfortable?

[maay]

My daughter is 12. In January her uncle started giving her guitar lessons as she really wanted to learn. He has been playing for years and sometimes teaches lessons, so when he offered to teach her for free, it was too good to turn down. The lessons are at our house. She's really been enjoying it. I still offer him money, but it's always a firm no.

He took her to see a band that they both like in March. His wife was also there. DD came back with loads of merch. I was thankful but told him he didn't need to do all of that! I felt like it was really cool they were bonding so well though. DH loved to see it as well.

He has bought her quite a few things now other than that merch. Like a necklace, posters, figurines, he even offered to buy her expensive trainers when she asked me for them in front of him. I said no to that one, because me and DH already decided she didn't need them. (girl has a lot.)

DH and I check her phone regularly. They text each other probably once or twice a week. It's brief and they just send each other memes and links to music they like. I haven't seen an actual conversation with them, so think I'm happy with that.

Yesterday he was at our house. We were all in the same room talking. DD went and sat on his lap and it made me feel uncomfortable. Only because she never sits on an adults lap anymore? I wasn't going to make a scene or anything, so I just made an excuse and asked her to come help me with something in a different room. When she went back into the room, she didn't sit on his lap again.

The same day, he dropped into conversation about how "Asian and half Asian girls are the most beautiful" he looked at DD and she giggled. DD is half Asian. I'm starting to feel a bit uncomfortable with it all. But I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable? I don't want to break an innocent bond, but I feel like I missed some red flags and I'm now seeing them? DH says he just loves his niece and he doesn't think we have to worry.

In the world or in the UK where most people are actually white anyway?

It sounds like your spidey senses are tingly, and I would trust them. Keep doing what you are doing, staying vigilant and keeping a close eye on the situation. Your awareness suggests you are very capable of safeguarding your daughter if need be. It may be innocent, but no harm in keeping a close eye.

I know women get harassed but as a half Chinese woman the amount of harassment received throughout my life is huge. There is such a disposition towards Asian girls and women and it’s called yellow fever, serious research papers have explored this. Obviously a child abuser will target children regardless of race but I’m warning you how some men have a taste for Asian women and girls.

I would say listen to your gut, does he treat other children in the family the same or is he just spoiling her.

As others have said, I have a DSD who is 12 and very affectionate and loving but no way would she just go on sit on someone's knee, not even her Dads. I wouldn't be happy at all with this OP...

Just stop the lessons and any other contact unless you are present at all times. He is grooming her ready to sexually abuse her or he is already abusing her. No pussyfooting around needed. And why would you appeal to his better nature when you suspect he has a prrverted attraction to her?

*perverted

DH and I are very close to my niece. She's 17 now. When she comes to our house with my sister she always rushes in and hugs both me and DH. She occasionally will still come and sit on my knee and cuddle me too. She doesn't sit on DH knee though. We do buy her things and help pay for bigger stuff for her like school trips because we can afford it and all my DC are adults now and she's and my Foster son are both 17 but the youngest in our wider extended family so they both get treated a lot. I'd allow the guitar lessons to continue but be in the room too. Say you want to see how she makes progress. I'd just be watchful at this point.

Yes, this. She objects to one discriminatory comment and substitutes it with another one. In Nigeria, are most groomers also white? It really seems some people can´t imagine the world different beyond their backyard.
With respect to the op, I would engage with your daughter about what is appropriate and what isn´t now that she is entering teen years. And also engage with your stepbrother. If still not happy get another guitar teacher. Oh, and nanny camera good idea in this case.

I am always suspicious of a grown men giving too much attention or gifts to a young girl & when you said she sat on his lap, that just shouted red flags to me. If I was you OP I would put an end to all this. Even if it's innocent, you're better making a mistake and knowing your daughter is safe then letting something happen to her to avoid making it awkward for others.

Just to further add from my own experience, when I was a young teenager, my mum used to take me to my aunties house a lot after school and my uncle (aunties DH) always made me feel quite uncomfortable but no one ever said anything. He would make comments about how big my boobs are getting or jokingly hit my bum to say it's big. There was more and more each time. However, I had so much love for him because of the relationship in the family and always thought maybe he doesn't mean it in a bad way. However, if that was my daughter and a grown man did that in front of me, believe me I would make a scene. The point is OP trust your gut. What looks innocent isn't always innocent.

Stop the lessons immediately. Get DD a new teacher so she's not missing out on that. Stop any messaging between them.

I would keep the creepy uncle well away from her. I'd also be concerned that he's a guitar teacher, so generally has access to children?

Don't set up a nanny cam ffs. You don't need 'proof' and if you get it, then it's already too late. Just end the lessons, end contact between them, and make sure that he is never ever left with her alone and unsupervised.

Trust your instincts and act on them. Has she explained why she sat on his laps at all?

@Itsmychristmasdress

“I read the comment as Asian girls are more attractive to Caucasian men because of the awful stereotypes of "Asian schoolgirl" that you often see in borderline "pornography/child sa images.”

I thought the exact same. Creepy white men who have a sexual interest in underage Asian girls is an absolute thing.

When I was about 11 I walked into my living room and without invitation, sat on my mother's boyfriend's lap. I still don't know why I did it. Some kind of teenage hormonal thing, trying to have some kind of effect, I don't know. I don't look into my motivations too deeply.

Anyways, the guy's face went bright red, he leaned back, pushed me off immediately and my mother told me off in no uncertain terms and sent me to bed.

Don't know why but your account took me back to that memory. I really don't think a guy who is not a bio relative should have a pre pubescent girl on his lap.

I'd draw no conclusions but end the lessons now and take him off your dds phone. You can say an opportunity for tuition elsewhere came up and you've realised her dad and yourself should be the only adults on her phone. Don't take up any offers that leave them alone together. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

But that is the problem. Hiding in plain sight...

Also, since when is it normal for a girl to have a crush on her uncle?? Even if OPs step-brother he has presumably been in her life for some timr as a family member. Do people think this is normal???

WTF is going on in people’s families that it’s considered normal for a 12 year old girl to have a ‘crush’ on male relatives they have grown up with?!

You need to talk to them both. Firstly her, you need to talk to her about boundaries now that she is growing up. Frame it around puberty. It is not appropriate for her to be sitting on any man’s lap any more. This is really important for her safe-guarding around any man, not just her uncle.

You then need to have the same conversation with your step-brother. She is a growing pubescent girl and he needs to be aware of that. No more in-jokes, little gifts, spoiling etc. it is inappropriate and could put her in danger with other men if this sort of behaviour is normalised.

I had a similar conversation with my much younger than me BIL. He still treated my daughter like a little girl and some things, whilst fine for a little one, felt inappropriate as she got older. He was mortified when I pointed it out, but thankfully understood and backed off a bit. He was just trying too hard to be the young, cool uncle.

This could all be innocent, but it might not be. Having open and firm conversations now is the best way forward.

There are indicators of grooming here in him buying her things, taking her to exciting places etc, and she is being over familiar with him for her age and stage of development, which can be another indicator of abuse. The two factors combined do raise concerns. Have a look on the nspcc website at the signs of abuse and see if there are others that feel relevant. I’d also attend all lessons from now on, and find a professional teacher. You can also request a Sarah’s law disclosure from the police to check her uncles record for sexual abuse.

All normal until the last few paragraphs. Trust your gut.

Yes but, you don't want her to experience any groping either

When she sits on his lap and no one around points out it is not ok, it erodes a boundary for the girl. If he, or another man with authority, wants her to sit on his lap in private it will be difficult for her to refuse -because it happened in front of her parents and they said nothing. Predators do groom children with inappropriate touch when parents are present because it breaks down the child's boundary because "if it happened in front of mum/dad and they said nothing it must be ok"

She's 12 - she's flattered by his attention.

At this age children can innocently push boundaries - its for the adults to put the boundaries firmly in place.

It does sound like not only is your step brother not enforcing boundaries it sounds like he is pushing them himself. So yes rad flags unfortunately - trust your instincts.